Since we moved about three months ago we now have a "complicated" neighbor. Several generations living together, an 80-year-old great grandmother (widowed), her daughter and son-in-law (grandparents around age 60) and a four-year-old grandson.
When we first moved in the grandfather had joked that the grandson would always be at our house. We laughed and thought it was a joke. It wasn't.
It started out gradual - a few times a week the boy would run over to our yard when we were outside to come and play with our children. I understood - he was lonely, and could see our three children having fun over here.
Now, after three months, we cannot walk outside without him streaking across his yard as fast as possible to come to our home. The other day I went out to get the mail while the girls were napping and by the time I came back across the street he was in my driveway asking to play. I sent him back home and told him the children were napping.
We no longer have any "family" time in the evening when Trent comes home because as soon as we finish dinner he is back in our yard traipsing around with us.
Perhaps the most frustrating part is that he is so much like our foster daughter, who, as many of you know, was an extreme challenge to us. Granted, he doesn't live with us, but it's probably the closest thing he can get to it without actually living in our home.
Now we find ourselves in a predicament. We want to show to love of Christ to these neighbors, but I find myself not wanting to go outside my own home for fear of now having full responsibility for him and his actions. I have sent him home/threatened to send him home when he is unkind or hitting our girls, but I'm not sure what else to do. We know we are supposed to love our "neighbors" (and in this case they are our physical neighbors), but we also feel that we need to draw some boundaries.
Just a small example: the below picture is of our girls playing in rain water that filled our retention basin. Our neighbor boy came over to watch, then I heard his grandmother yelling and encouraging him to get in, too. He did eventually go home and change clothes and come in with them. I would have had the girls in and out in a short time, but because he was there, my kids didn't want to get out when it was time to go in the house. I am struggling between being internally frustrated and if it is my own selfishness, or if I should just let it go and try harder to love my neighbor.
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| The girls playing in the rain water in our retention basin. |
That is a really tough situation. I don't have any solution for you but I do think that setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is really important or you'll find yourself becoming angry and bitter, and that won't help you really show love. My thought would be to determine where your heart is, first of all, and then you'll be able to follow God's leading. That may mean keeping things as they are, talking to the 4 year old about appropriate visiting times, or even if you need to talk to the grandparents. My guess is that they are eager to let him come play, especially if he is a challenging kid. I can also imagine he is eager for interactions since he's by far the youngest person in his home.
ReplyDeleteAnd two stories that relate somewhat. Apparently when I was young, I was the kid who came over too often. The family, some second cousins on my dad's side, chose to not say anything at the time but did mention it to my mom years later. I know I felt kind of bad about it, as did my mom, but neither of us realized it was an issue at the time.
The other story also involves my mom. She lives next door to 3 of her grand kids and frequently has to tell them "we're not having company right now" when she feels the need for space. It's different because both stories involve family,but both illustrate a need for boundaries, when appropriate. Setting boundaries does not mean you can't be showing love. You just have to figure out what that looks like and only the specifics can come from the Holy Spirit.
Praying and trusting you will have the wisdom you need.