Thoughts on being Mama

Five little (and not so little) girls call me Mama.

Four of them I had the pleasure and pain of birthing. One of them I had the pleasure and pain of adopting. All of them are mine.

For nearly all of my married life I have been a Mama. Just before our second anniversary Anne was born, and so there have always been little ones around.

Eleven and a half years of being "mama". So much of my adult life has been consumed by all manner of bodily functions, doctor appointments, band aids, bikes, and bruises. But also countless hugs, snuggles, sleeping babies in my arms, wet kisses, and belly laughs.

I often tell others that being a mom is the best, hardest job you'll ever get.

Forgot to take a Mother's Day picture yesterday. This grainy selfie is the best I could get. Sorry, folks!

  Recently I forced myself to take a closer look at who I am as a Christ-follower. So much of my daily life is wrapped up in all aspects of mothering that it's easy to forget who Emily is. Mothering is only a stage, a phase, a blip in a hopefully long life. I try so hard to cherish each day with my girls, treasuring it for the gift it really is. And I want to be sure that I'm not so focused inwardly that I forget who I am really here to serve.

I was feeling rather introspective earlier this year as we waited to be matched with sister six. There were many little boys who were becoming available for adoption. In all their ways they were "perfect". They met all the little boxes we had checked off for our next adoption in regards to age and special needs. There was just one "problem". They were boys.

I was determined to examine my own heart to see if perhaps I was finding so much of my identity in a "mama of lots of girls" that I was shutting out a part of God's plan for our life. That perhaps I was making this adoption about me, and not about what it is meant to be, which is to be the best possible family for a child who needs us and that we need them. You see, Ruth has developed my character into a stronger, more determined woman because of who she is. God knew my heart needed her. And I was wondering if perhaps God was showing me that I needed a little boy in my life. Or was I just getting impatient in our wait to be matched with a girl?

After extensive prayer I felt that we were indeed following the path marked out for us. Another girl. Sister Six. That we should continue to wait for our girl. But do you see what I did there?

Psalm 139:23-24

Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts. 

 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

David sets us a great example of praying through determining my will versus God's will. For if we are truly honest with ourselves we would agree with Jeremiah 17:9. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"

Clearly God knows this fact about our humanity and knew we would need it made perfectly clear in Scripture. A blog for another time is why we don't follow our hearts Disney-Princess style. But I digress.

My friends, I don't know if I'm accurately representing what I want to say this Mother's Day week. Being a mom is a gift from God. Children are a gift from the Lord (Psalm 127:3). And I love it. 

But I guess what I'm trying to put into words is that I need to remind myself not to find my identity in my children. Not to find my identity in a "mama of girls". Not to find my identity in my pride of my daughters' external behaviors (good and bad) and their accomplishments. 

This Mother's Day I am trying to remind myself, and maybe other moms who are feeling consumed by their children and their needs, that first and foremost, I am a child of God. I am a woman of God. And for me, right now, that means being a mother as my highest calling. But that job title (if you will) is not who I am.

I am attempting to be a woman after God's own heart.