Looking Back

I have a terrible memory. Seriously, ask my kids. They are constantly reminding me of things I said I would do, but forgot. And if I'm half asleep when talking to you, psshhh, forget it. I probably won't recall ever having a conversation with you.

My poor memory skills are probably why I love blogging so much. If it is written down then it must have actually happened (even if I can't remember it clearly). I also love to journal out those raw emotions. I am often embarrassed by what I write when emotional, but it is so healing in the moment to get them out in a safe place, and later to look back on them.

Monday mornings I give my two oldest girls a spelling pre-test. It is good for them to see growth in short-term way. It's hard for adults to see how they are growing in the moment, how much more challenging must it be for our 6 and 7 year old children? For the past two or three weeks Abbey (age 6) has gotten all of her spelling words right on the pre-test. Whenever this happens I "reward" them by not having them take the test on Friday. This Monday morning, however, Abbey missed one word. To say the girl was upset would be an understatement. Mind you, these are words that she has not studied, and she does not have access to the list ahead of time that she could peek at it. She was distraught over this one little word she missed (I told you she is a perfectionist).

To encourage her little heart I reminded her of how hard even the simplest words were for her in the beginning of the year. She grabbed her language arts binder (that is such a pain for me to put together, but man, today I was glad I did), and flipped to the very beginning. And she laughed. And laughed. And laughed. Oh, what joy that brought to my heart. She looked back to the beginning of the school year. The word was "are", she spelled it "R" on her pre-test, week 1 of the school year. And she laughed! It was very real to her, and showed her just how far she has come this year. I could have cried.

Yes, I'm teaching spelling, but I like to think it is so much more than that. I'm teaching these girls the value of looking back on life. We don't stay back there, we move forward. Yet there is value in looking back. To take a peek at what life was like less than a year ago is important.

Just the other night my dear husband and I were looking back. He had gone through times of self-doubt, of not knowing where he was going, what he wanted to do, where he wanted to go in life. And he prayed and prayed and prayed for direction, never feeling like he was going anywhere or being led. As we talked through the decisions he made he realized just how much the Lord was leading him, guiding him, and setting him on a path. It didn't feel like it at the time, yet when he took a moment to look back, he realized how all these little pieces that didn't seem like much (quitting one job to take a pizza delivery job) all fit together and created this beautiful picture.

Sometimes looking back can be painful. I think of our foster son and daughter on a regular basis. I know I have learned a lot from that experience. However, it is still painful in many ways to look back on that time. I'm sure that someday (maybe not on this side of Heaven) I will see how those months fit into my mosaic to create something whole and beautiful. Certainly I am changed because of that experience.

Isaiah 61:3 (New Living Translation) To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.

Portions of this verse pop into my head from time to time, but I'm not sure that I ever noticed those last three words. The beauty for ashes, the joy instead of mourning, the praise instead of despair, it's for HIS OWN GLORY. Not for us. Not for me. For Him. Wow. 

I'm just letting that sink in.

I will leave you with this: Gungor "Beautiful Things". Hands down one of my favorite songs. 

I encourage you to take a few minutes today, sit, and think. The weather here has been beautiful. Grab a cup of tea or coffee, watch the kids play in the yard, and look back and realize the beautiful things He has done for HIS OWN GLORY in your life.

Shouldn't You Be In School?

I'm often asked what made me decide to home school. It's sort of a long answer so I figured a blog post might be a good way to go with this one!

First off, a very brief note: I know and understand that home school is not for every family nor for every child. Every one is certainly able to choose for themselves what schooling option is best for your family. I hope that nothing I say comes across as judgmental or preachy - that is certainly not my intent.

Now that that's out of the way.....

"Shouldn't you be in school?" This question was posed to my oldest daughter (age 7) this week. She was outside playing in our little patch of woods behind our house. There was an older gentleman cutting wood just beyond our property line and he asked this question. Anne's quick response was, "I'm home schooled!"
 
Part of me cringed when she told me this, because I am acutely aware that we are different. I love people, and I want them to love me. I've always worked SO hard to win the approval of everybody; my parents, my peers, etc. That means I want to fit in.

Is this weird?

 I want to be like everyone else and do what everyone else is doing. I want to be the best at whatever it is I'm doing, and if I realize early on that I may not be the best (i.e. the three years I played saxophone and I did a victory dance when my little brother kicked the case and a key broke) I want to quit. Galatians 1:10 "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." {I professed Christ as my Savior just before my 19th birthday. I am learning to not allow my 'personality' to be an excuse for a lack what I know to be right.}

I never, ever in a million years would have thought I would be a home school mom. Nope. No way. Do you know why? Home school people and their kids are weird. Weird and different are synonyms. I don't like different, I don't like weird. Nope. Not doing it.

Anne reading "James and the Giant Peach" - age 5

You may want to be careful what you say.

I have a teaching degree from Millersville University, formerly known as "the teacher's college". After our oldest daughter was born and growing at an extremely rapid rate (does time speed up once you have children?), my mother-in-law wondered if I would consider home schooling. My immediate response was, "No." I didn't even want to think about it. No way. Not for me. Home school kids are weird.

Our celebration of 100 days of school - 2015

 Then a funny thing happened. The Lord began to work on my heart.

Girls working on their "Heart Journals" - 2015

 As I watched my girls grow (with a special focus on my oldest since she would be the one to go to school first) I noticed some interesting things about her behavior. First of all, she was very much like me. She is so very easily influenced by her peers. For example, when she was about three and a half years old we came home from the mom's group we attended weekly. Anne asked for a cracker at lunch. After providing her with the cracker, she began to chew it like a beaver, letting crumbs fall from her mouth all over her shirt, the floor, and the table. She laughed uproariously and sprayed cracker all over everything. (Can you picture this???) When asked what in the world she was doing she said a boy in her little class did that at snack time and everybody laughed and she really wanted to try it.

Anne reading a Highlights magazine to her sisters - summer 2013 (age 5 1/2)

This became nearly a weekly occurrence in our home. She would see another child do something (always something she knew she probably shouldn't do) and then she would come home and do it. Every. Week. And I thought, "My word! If this is what she does after being with other kids for 90 minutes, what will she act like when she is with them for a whole day?!"

Then something else happened. Anne started reading at age 4. (I didn't even know this was possible.) In my four years of college education and my miniscule time teaching before Anne was born, I had never taught any one how to read. It was a really awesome experience. I can't take credit for what happened next. She picked up her first little book and read it without help. Then our two foster children came into our lives and I no longer had the time to sit and work with her on a daily basis like I had been. About two month after she read that first book I was hurriedly trying to get dinner ready and juggle five children under age five (I don't recommend this). Anne offered to read to the kids for me. I thanked her and went about what I was doing. A few minutes later I peeked on the kids and she had them all lined up on the couch with her as she read aloud from Fantastic Mr. Fox by Roald Dahl. We had read it aloud together before so I assumed she was just retelling the story in her own words. Until I listened more closely. She was reading, with expression, a book on a second grade reading level.

Anne reading "Peter Pan"- age 5

It was at that point that I started to consider home school as a very real option for our family. None of my friends home school their children, so it was a really tough decision for us to make. The more I prayed about it the more clear it became that this is what I should do. If I had to give two main reasons why we chose to home school it would be these.

1. I want to have more influence in my children's lives than their peers. I want to build a firm foundation based on the truth of God's word before asking them to stand up to peer pressure on a daily basis. I want to be the one who talks to them about hard and controversial subjects. And trust me, we DO talk about them. I am not sheltering these kids so that they have no clue about the world. I would much rather them get facts from me than from their little seven-year-old friends.

A little hike to The Pinnacle in Holtwood, PA to see the frozen Susquehanna River: Winter 2015

2. The ability to meet their unique abilities. Teachers in public and private schools are amazing. We have a really awesome county where there are many many wonderful teachers. When Anne started Kindergarten she was reading at a sixth grade level. It did not make sense to me to put her in a class of children who are just learning to read. (Remember how Anne and I are alike? When something is easy our personality tends to get bored and then we get in trouble.) Currently Anne has about six weeks of first grade left. Her reading level is now at an 11th grade level. Although she reads at that level, she definitely doesn't comprehend fully all that she reads, and her pronunciations are sometimes a bit off on some of the larger words that aren't in our every day vocabulary. Our second daughter is a very different personality from Anne, but she is also very bright. She is five (normally Kindergarten age) and will complete first grade with Anne this year. Her reading level is approximately fourth-fifth grade. Our third daughter struggles with some of the things that came very easily to her older sisters. There are still four letters of the alphabet that, try as she might, she just cannot remember. But Maggie is by far the best storyteller and most creative of the three. I have every intention of encouraging her in those regards.

Anne read The Lord of the Rings series (all three books) in under a week. Winter 2015 - age 7

Abbey working hard on First grade math - 2015 - age 5

The close bonds these four girls have is worth it all!

Tea Party at Grandpa & Grandma's

Hard to believe these two are only 17 1/2 months apart.

Sister-friends

Sister-friends (Caroline LOVES little hats/ handkerchiefs on her head!)

 Whew. Did you make it through all that? I hope that answers some questions for you all! Please feel free to ask questions!

He is Risen

In keeping with my standard behavior I am writing an Easter post two days after Easter Sunday, rather than before like all the other bloggers in the world. What can I say? I'm going against the flow. Okay, fine, I'm a procrastinator. (Plus, it didn't end Easter Sunday. He rose. He stayed on Earth another 40 days. So I'm still safe talking about this for another 38 days.)

My chalkboard drawing.

There is always so much that goes on during any holiday. Amidst all the prep work of food, house cleaning, cleaning the children, plus the actual gatherings themselves, I find it easy to lose the meaning of the event itself. I have made a concentrated effort to keep these gatherings as simple as possible. We don't do 500 sides, 20 desserts, and 5 different wines. In fact, we don't do any wine.... maybe we should do one wine. Yes?

Thursday we had Trent's side of the family over for our Easter dinner. This included his parents, his two brothers and one sister-in-law. I taught school in the morning, then cleaned the house, and made green bean casserole. My in-laws made sweet potato pudding, and grilled pork loins. My sister-in-law made an adorable "nest" cake (wish I had a picture of this) and my brother-in-law made a delicious salad. That was it. Simple. We had this at my house so that I could put Caroline to bed, then also the big girls while the adults stayed late, drank coffee and tea and played Apples to Apples. We actually got to spend time with each other without all the fuss and stress of extra food and huge amounts of clean up.

Hess girls!!! (Minus a sleeping Caroline)

 Friday Trent was off work for Good Friday. The girls had a small amount of school (basically just a spelling test), and they wanted to read a little history. We sang this song together (either Thursday or Friday). Matt Maher's Christ is Risen. Anne and Abbey sat in my lap as the words scrolled through on my iPhone. I think I was crying as we finished. Hearing my girls sing these words was so beautiful.

Sunday my mom came over after church to eat with us. We relaxed in the afternoon. Two of my sisters came over with their kids around 4:30 in the afternoon for a huge egg hunt and some snacky foods. We visited with our neighbors.

My beautiful sister, and Caroline

Bunny rolls. This was Caroline's favorite part of the meal.

Opening eggs and discovering the goodies inside. It's always so fun to have the family together!

I think Maggie (age 4) said it best. She liked the basket from Aunt Sarah, she liked the candy, she liked being with the family. But the thing she likes best about Easter is that Jesus didn't stay dead. That he rose again.

These two are so sweet. They are my inseparable girls who love to dress in matching outfits.

 Personally I find it very meaningful to spend a few moments reflecting on where I was before I repented of my sins. And then think of my spiritual conversion. I don't spend this time filling myself with regret for past sins. However, I do find it beneficial to my Spiritual growth and health to remember that I was dead in sin. And when I really and truly accepted Christ into my heart, in a crummy little dorm room in Jackson, Mississippi, that though I still sin and still fail on a daily basis, that I am no longer DEAD in that sin. I am redeemed. And you can be, too. It's a beautiful thing, to be redeemed. To feel the weight lifted from your chest and be free. Thank you, God, for sending your precious son, so that I may have life. None of us deserves it, yet he loves us so much that he pours out his grace on us. Daily. Every day, never giving up on me. And I am grateful. Oh, so grateful.

Note to self: take adorable picture first thing in the morning, NOT when everybody is tired. It's much more difficult to get a good photo with tired children. You'd think I'd know that by now. ;)

 HAPPY EASTER!

Life Isn't Fair

Something that has been on my mind a lot is how "life isn't fair". Trust me, this is not a rant or a complaint on my part. But it is true. Life isn't fair.

I have a high school friend who lost her husband in a tragic accident. Another friend I played soccer with for many years lost her preemie twin son, and her husband who had an unknown heart condition, all in the same year.

Life isn't fair.

I know a young family who work hard, but struggle financially.

Life isn't fair.

I have friends who struggle with mental illness. They fight hard, but they struggle.

Life isn't fair.

I have friends who have had several miscarriages, who have had ovaries removed, who have emergency surgeries, and they struggle.

Life isn't fair.

Currently our family has experienced many, many undeserved blessings. We have a nice home, we are so excited to be expecting our fourth baby, we have more than we need. And it doesn't feel fair.

I have been looking for ways to bless some of these aforementioned friends who are struggling.

Our pastor on Sunday was talking about these blessings that we have, and reminding us that it is okay to have "nice things", but to be sure that we own the things, and the things don't own us. He was also encouraging us to use what we have been given. He gave the example of a man who had a really nice lawn mower and he shared it with his impoverished community.

As I think over the things or talents that I have, I am challenged and encouraged to share those with others. Because, the fact is, life isn't fair. We live in a fallen world. But we can have hope because God has given each of us gifts that we can use to encourage, cheer, and bless others with.

I know that I may not always be in this "season" of blessing. That there will be hard days ahead, just as I've walked through difficult times with the help of the Lord.  And I hope that when those hard days come again that I am reminded that "the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Humbled

Humbled.

By a five-year-old. It never ceases to amaze me the Spiritual depth that a child so young can have.

Over the past few weeks I have been diligently searching obsessing over houses. What is the right house for us? Is now a good time to move? What is God's timing? Will the "perfect" house ever come along? I have spent countless hours on the real estate website, zillow, the county assessment site, searching, researching and following the trail of every possible house that might be an option for us.

Last week at the mom's group I attend we had a guest speaker talking about prayer, and how to "Pray Like Crazy for your Kids" and "Pray Like Crazy for your Husband". She talked about fasting in a way I had never heard before. Since there isn't a particular food that I care for above any other, I decided that I would fast from house searching during the day since it was taking so much TIME. Trent and I would still look together in the evenings, but during the day I would fast from it. Our speaker said that fasting and praying go hand-in-hand. You can't have one without the other. During the time that I would normally spend house hunting I would spend in prayer. This is often 30-45 minutes while the kids are napping. And any time throughout the day that a house or houses would pop into my head I would say a quick prayer. I didn't really pray specific prayers, more just along the lines of peace, in trusting in God's timing and God's will.

But where was I? Oh yes, I was humbled. So here I thought I had grown tremendously this past week (and I still think I have!), when my five year old humbled me. We put an offer in on a house on Monday, and on Tuesday afternoon the offer was accepted! We still have details to work out, but my prayer is that from here on out things will go smoothly.

This morning at breakfast I was excited about this house and thinking about light fixtures and paint and mentally organizing the house (because I'm crazy like that) when Anne starts talking. Our conversation went something like this:

Anne, " Last night after you went out of my room, I prayed that Satan would just turn around and that he would tell God that he is sorry and that he would stop trying to get people to do bad things. And then maybe God would let him be an angel again."

*I think my heart stopped beating here.*

Abbey chimes in with, "And then Annie prayed for your dad that you used to have when you were a little girl and that he would love Jesus, too."

*And here my heart broke.*

I think some people are born with a humble spirit. I was not. I like to feel independent. Unfortunately independence and pride are often best friends. I had felt pretty proud and excited about the Spiritual transformation that I had seen in myself in the past week. And then my five and almost four-year-old daughters displayed so much more Spiritual maturity than I have at 28.

Don't get me wrong. I truly believe that God cares and hears our prayers for the things we worry about and struggle with, things that are often of this world (such as houses)! And he answers those prayers as I have seen in my life this week. How much more will He hear and answer the innocent prayers of sweet children who are praying (not for a house) but for lost souls?? I mean, who prays for Satan???

I had spend so much time thinking and obsessing and worrying and praying about a house. When was the last time I prayed for my dad's soul? When was the last time I prayed for anyone's soul? I have multiple family members who are not walking with the Lord. Why don't I pray for them??? How is is that I have enough faith to pray for a house and believe that God will answer that prayer, but not enough faith to pray for the lost all around me?

Mark 9:24 says, "Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!""

In this passage of Scripture Jesus' disciples had tried to cast an evil spirit out of a boy, but could not do it. The boy was brought to Jesus and the father pleaded that if Jesus could do anything to please have pity on them and help the boy. Jesus responds, "If you can? Everything is possible to him who believes." And that is when the boy's father says, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

Sometimes things seem so impossible to me because I have seen no change for years. Perhaps much as this boy's father had seen no change in him for many years. Yet, he wanted to believe. Sometimes in our human and imperfect lives it is so hard to truly believe that something long unchanged CAN BE TRANSFORMED!!

This morning Jesus spoke to me through my two small children. If they can pray for lost souls, so can I. And I will pray, believing for change, and at the same time asking for help to overcome my unbelief. Thank you, Lord, for entrusting these precious children to me. So often I believe I am the one who will be nurturing them, encouraging them, spurring them on to do the good works of the Lord, when clearly, at least today, it was the opposite.

Voice of Truth

Do you know this Casting Crowns song?

I was in the van today when this song came on. The first verse struck me in a new way today. It says:

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand

In some ways we have taken that first step of faith. We are officially approved for foster care. We received our first call on Friday. We were asked to take two children.


But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"



Suddenly we were afraid. We didn't have a "strong feeling" one way or the other regarding these children. Trent and I talked for awhile, then thought & prayed separately, then talked again. We said, "No," to these two children.
 

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth







Peter got out of the boat and began walking on the water toward Jesus. But he looked down and began to sink. When our eyes are fixed upon Jesus, we can "walk on water".





Our first call was definitely a learning experience. It made us truly realize that this is for real, it's no longer words or a good/nice thing to do. These are the lives of dear children we are talking about. This call forced Trent and I to further discuss what we can take on. We can talk until we're blue in the face, but the truth is, every situation is different, every child is unique, every birth parent has their own struggles, and whatever we say "Yes" to, God WILL see us through. He WILL be our strength.


We WILL choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.

And we WILL be ready for our next phone call.
 

Pure Joy

As I was praying today, the Spirit spoke to me through Scripture, as He usually does. The following verses popped into my head:

James 1:2-5 (NIV) "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

I don't know about you all, but when I go through trials I do not feel pure joy. Often when I look back upon trials I can often see the Spiritual growth that occurred.

As we go through this time of uncertainty, I am going to make a conscious effort to show pure joy, knowing that as I persevere I will mature. My prayer will continually be for wisdom.

If I'm honest with myself, I can really sing He's been "So Good to Me" .

*Just a side note: Scripture memory is so POWERFUL!*  So thankful for the Word of God!

From the Mouths of Babes

Trent's (paternal) grandmother has not been while for awhile. In January she finally went to the doctor and they found a large hard tumor in her throat. She could not swallow any food or liquid by the next weekend. They decided to put in a feeding tube at the end of January. Two weekends ago she was feeling pretty well so Trent and I took the girls to see Granny and Pappy. Granny has trouble talking because it hurts her throat, but she did say a couple of things and was very pleased to hear Anne say Psalm 23. We had a nice visit with them and I was so thankful that we were able to go, tell Granny and Pappy in person that we are expecting again, and just visit for a little while. Granny even laughed a couple of times, and looked as though she was really enjoying watching the little girls play together.
This past weekend things went downhill very rapidly. Granny was having quite a bit a of nausea, and then was vomiting quite a bit. Friday the decision was made to call hospice to come to the house to check on her. This was done, and when the nurse checked the feeding tube she saw that it had become dislodged and recommended that she see a physician as soon as possible. She was taken to Hospice by ambulance, and Pappy rode with her. Trent's dad and aunt followed behind in the car. She was told she could get the feeding tube put back in or she could choose not to. Granny chose to have it put back in but when she was taken to the hospital the physician said there was nothing wrong with it. There was some confusion and frustration, however, many of us feel that this is really near the end for Grandma. She is 85 years old.
In order to prepare Annie for the death of her great-grandmother (Granny), I was reading her the story of Jesus' death and Resurrection from her little Bible. She was really into it, and we were talking about how it was really sad that Jesus had to die, but he did it because he loves us and wants to see us in heaven. And I was explaining that if we tell Jesus we are sorry for our sins and ask him to come into our hearts that he will never leave us and we will get to go to heaven when we die. And while we are still alive we can be Jesus' friend.
I had said to her something like, "Isn't that so great that Jesus did that for us?"
And my little 2-year-old said, "Yeah, and when I go to heaven Jesus will hold me in his arms and I'll hug him!"
I had tears in my eyes as I saw the love that this little one is starting to have for Jesus. She is starting to "get it" and beginning to understand the awesomeness of our Jesus.
Later we had a friend and her children over for lunch. Halfway through lunch Annie said, "Heather, guess what? I love Jesus!" Again, I had tears in my eyes as this dear child is sharing her love of Jesus with everyone she knows. What a great challenge that was for me! My 2 year-old is beginning to share the gospel! Who am I sharing the love of Jesus with??
I hope you all enjoy that story as much as I do and were encouraged by it!