In the Crushing

The song “New Wine” by Hillsong Worship has become my anthem since coming home from China one month ago with Heidi. The first verse says this:

“In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making new wine
In the soil I now surrender
You are breaking new ground”

When I sit to write all the seemingly unfortunate events of the past month it’s nearly incomprehensible. 

All three of our toilets clogged. 

In the crushing

One of them overflowed gallons of water onto the bathroom floor. 

In the pressing

Our shower developed a crack and leaked water into the garage. 

In the crushing

Our refrigerator died and we were without one in the house for nearly 2 weeks. 

In the pressing

Our Suburban (read: main vehicle for our family) went in for inspection and required extra work, leaving me without a vehicle when I had an appointment to make. 

In the crushing

One day after getting the Suburban back we had our first night at Trent’s parents house. When we went to leave with a sick Heidi it wouldn’t start. 

In the pressing

We have had at least two doctor/dentist/eye appointments every week since we came home (not all for Heidi). 

In the crushing

Our dog got fleas. 

In the pressing

Three of our girls (Abbey, Ruthie, and Carrie) caught a nasty cold. 

In the crushing

Heidi got pneumonia. 

In the pressing

And an ear infection. 

In the crushing

We are attempting to maintain homeschool for five children, two Kindergarteners, two sixth graders, and one third grader. 

In the pressing

The song doesn’t stop with the crushing and pressing my friends, and neither does this story. 

“So I yield to You and to Your careful hand
When I trust You I don’t need to understand”

But God, in his goodness, sometimes gives us glimpses of his love to ease the burden when we don’t understand. 

Yes, the toilets clogged and overflowed. But we have indoor plumbing. And they didn’t all clog at the same time. 

Yes, our shower cracked and leaked. But Trent was able to plumber putty it closed until such a time as we can replace the shower. And it was the shower above the garage and not the shower over the school room. 

Yes, our refrigerator died on us. But we had purchased an inexpensive refrigerator to keep in the garage for the overflow of cold items that comes with a large family. We were able to use this “gridge” for the 2 weeks it took for our new one to come. AND, perhaps the biggest blessing is that the fridge didn’t die while we were in China, leaving that burden to my niece and in-laws. 

Yes, the Suburban took some extra work. But my niece planned to visit with my girls that day so I was able to borrow her car and still make my appointment.  

Yes, the Suburban wouldn’t start when we wanted to leave Trent’s parents’ house. But at least it didn’t happen when I was out somewhere with sick children or on the side of the road somewhere. And we have AAA so the next morning within an hour of calling there was a young man at our house to replace the battery so I could take Heidi to the doctor. 

Yes, Heidi has pneumonia and an ear infection. But she has a daddy to hold her, a mama to rock her to sleep and comfort her. She has a doctor who can see her quickly and a nurse who can empathize and give me encouragement. She is no longer an orphan. 

Children who aren’t given love and nurturing from birth can struggle to form healthy attachments. Heidi’s illness is allowing her to trust in us and build a bond that is necessary to come through life successfully. 

I haven’t found anything good about the dog getting fleas. Although it has made me wash every pillow and blanket and vacuum thoroughly. Even though it’s not how I want to spend my time, perhaps it was needed and this forced me to do it.  

Yes, the homeschool has been difficult. But this has led us to consider something different for next year that we would not have otherwise. And who knows but that it could be the best thing for the girls in their future. 

God’s hand is careful with us. And yet sometimes we need to be pressed and crushed to turn us into a better version of ourselves. A more faithful Emily. A more trusting Emily. A more humble Emily. A more compassionate Emily. 

The chorus of the song says : 

“Make me Your vessel
Make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing
But all You have given me
Jesus bring new wine out of me”

I came to the Lord 15 years ago with nothing but my heart to give. If this crushing and pressing is what is required for Jesus to bring new wine out of me, then I submit. 

And through all of these seemingly unending chaotic challenges of the past month I can say to you truly and wholeheartedly; God is good. 

A Month of Miracles: Heidi’s first month home

One month home with Heidi Grace! 

This month has been nothing short of miraculous. Before we brought Heidi home we had been given a laundry list of possible diagnoses. A full three pages typed, single spaced of conditions, syndromes and scenarios. 

Yet we still felt God calling us to her; to parent a vulnerable child regardless of our fears. 

This month has been completely exhausting, hard, and beautiful. 

Heidi has learned to be less and less afraid everyday. She learned to sit in a high chair. First without a bib or tray as they scared her. But soon she was sitting up strong with both bib and tray. A miracle from the screaming child we first attempted to feed in China. 

She loved the swing right away!

The three amigos! These three have the best times together. 

Heidi’s first week home included tagging along to Ruth’s ENT appointment, her own appointment with our family doctor, and a stop at the Solanco fair to see her sister’s show their lambs. She had a pretty big set back after going to the fair (lots of crying) so we tried to stick close to home in the following three weeks. 

Heidi visited the dentist 10 days after coming home and was officially diagnosed with gingivitis. The way to heal that was by brushing her teeth and allowing her gums to bleed. Exactly one week later her gums bled for the last time. A few days after her gums stopped bleeding she smiled when I brushed her teeth. Another miracle for Heidi. 

I had the immeasurable joy of being able to rock her to sleep for the first time. What a privilege to have earned her trust. 

She loves the sunshine and beautiful weather. A sure way to cheer her up is to take her outside. 

Two weeks of being home we noticed that Heidi started to “wake up” or come alive to the world around her. This excited face is when she noticed our chickens for the first time and thought they were the funniest things she has ever seen. 

She’s learning that baths are pretty great and her big sisters are funny. 

I love the expressions on their faces. 

Heidi had her first visit with the eye doctor on October 1 and ran the gambit of emotions. Her original paperwork mentioned ROP (retinopathy of premature infants). Her eyes are completely healed! Another miracle for Heidi! She is nearsighted and will need glasses in the near future but she wasn’t fully cooperative and the doctor didn’t think her vision was so poor that we needed to push it. Instead we will revisit them in 4 months and will likely receive her glasses at that time. 

Sad from the dilating drops. 

Happy from selfie mode. 

Irritated by these sunglasses. 

How she felt about me for putting her through the eye exam. 

She was extraordinarily happy to come home to her sisters. 

On October 2 Heidi had her assessment with the IU 13’s birth to three program. It was discouraging to see just how low she scored on everything. We made a plan and picked her two weakest areas to focus on. One is her inability to suck and chew. The second is her lack of interest in toys and her inability to pick toys up or play with them. Since she scored at the level of an infant we realized we need to meet her where she’s at. She can’t bang two toys together if she can’t even pick up a toy. 

A couple friends filled in the gap to provide some baby toys that we didn’t have. 

In just a couple of days we were seeing more miracles unfold. 

We began ending her lunches and dinners with a spoonful of whipped cream for her to touch and put into her mouth. The first time she cried when I put it on her hand. The second time she didn’t cry but was very unsure. After just a few days she began touching it on her own and sucking the cool whip off her fingers. 

Here she’s examining her hands. 

Success! This may not seem like much but for a child who was previously force fed this is enormous progress. She is learning that food is fun and tastes good, too. She’s learning that her hands can be used as tools to feed herself. These are all things she should have learned but never did. Again, we can’t build on what isn’t there so we are providing her with the support she needs to make improvements. 

Heidi learned to blow kisses (in her own way) on October 5. What a treat when I put her to bed and blew her three kisses to receive  those back. 

Our biggest miracle came on October 10. She noticed a maraca in the living room. She crawled over to it. She picked it up and shook it for about 30 seconds. She transferred it from her right to left hand. She shook it for another few seconds before dropping it. A goal we had made just 8 days before was that she would notice toys and play with them appropriately. Only eight days and before receiving any therapy she is starting to meet goals! 

On that same day she picked up a different toy and put it in her mouth. I know most parents are wanting to discourage this behavior around her age but since she previously wouldn’t allow anything in her mouth but a spoon and the fact that this is very “normal” behavior, you better believe we celebrated and cheered. 

Heidi is the best sleeper (praise Jesus!). She goes to bed around 8 pm and wakes up at 8 am. She naps from about 2-5 pm. She doesn’t appreciate being woken up early from her naps. She was initially taking a morning rest from 10-11 but we stopped that this past week as she was no longer seeming overwhelmed from the stimulation. 

We have done more “cocooning” with Heidi than we did with Ruthie. Since Heidi had so many caretakers previously we needed to establish who mom and dad and siblings are before allowing her to be held by other people. Today, at one month home we went to pizza Sunday at my moms house for the first time. Heidi and my mom hit it off. It brought me so much joy to watch Heidi mimic my mom (another new skill!!) and laugh and laugh and laugh. I don’t know that I’ve ever heard her laugh as hard as she did when she was playing with my mom. It was so beautiful. 

She also thought her cousin Emma’s sweatshirt was fun to pull on the strings. Again! Using her hands in a way she couldn’t one month ago. 

We’re excited to see what this next month holds for Heidi the Brave. We are so thankful she doesn’t have to be brave alone anymore. So many of her self-soothing and concerning behaviors that we saw in China are almost nonexistent after just one month home. We are looking forward to venturing out a tiny bit more and reestablishing our routine visits with Trent’s parents and my mom. I’m hopeful that this month will involve fewer doctor appointments and more days at home. 

I’m so grateful for all the love and support you all have shown us. All I can really say is that God is good. 

Enjoy some sweet Heidi photos and be amazed at what love can do. 

Happy one month home, Heidi Grace!