Happy Christmas!

Since this has probably been the busiest year of our lives, it seemed a shame not to be able to send out a Christmas letter to update our far away friends and family. But with the help of the internet we should be able to reach just about everyone who we would have mailed a card and letter to. It's not the same as having a cute Christmas card to hang up and look at, but it'll have to do for this year.

2012 was busy, busy, busy. In February we moved out of the city after over six years. We decided to rent out our home instead of selling it. Unfortunately this went terribly awry and ended up adding heaps of stress to our lives. After evicting our tenant in August and cleaning it up throughout that month, listing it in September, we were thankful that the sale of our house went through in late November.

 The more children we had the more quickly we began to outgrow our little city house and longed to be out in the country. Through a series of strange events which I like to attribute to God, we ended up moving to Conestoga, Pa, to the very home where I spent much of my childhood (from age 5-11). It is so wonderful to be out in the country. 

Before

After

 Everywhere I look I find something to be joyful about.


A butterfly.

 
 A tire swing.

 

 A sunrise.

(Photo Credit: Trent Hess)

A slip-n-slide.

A walk at the barns.

A chance to skip down a grassy hill.

Many fun-filled days at Trout Run.

A campfire.

Eating s'mores around the campfire.

We had a glorious summer. A week of "staycation" meant a trip to the Baltimore Zoo, Hershey Gardens & Butterfly House, a date to Rock Ford Plantation, a trip to the beach. We spent a weekend at a cabin.
 

Baltimore Zoo.

We went camping at Camp Swatara.

Annie and Paw-Paw fishing at Camp Swatara.

Late in the summer we became foster parents. After having said "No" to our first two calls, we received one close to dinner time on a Monday. Two children, a girl and a boy. And our lives have been forever altered. For a few months we had five children under age five. It was completely insane. We have been pushed to our limits with patience, time, and energy. We have been ready to quit multiple times, yet for some reason we don't. We persevere and press on. We have good days, we have in between days, and we have bad days. The emotional swings that we have are wild. Some days are great and we can't imagine our lives without these two children. Other days are horrible and we wonder when they are leaving.

Our foster daughter was three (almost four) when she came to us.  For their protection we are not allowed to use their names or show any pictures. You can take my word on this - they are beautiful! Our foster daughter has improved tremendously since she came. Week one she was hitting, pulling hair, snatching toys, and screaming. She still screams a lot but those other things have pretty much stopped. She is definitely an instigator and will intentionally upset the other children. BUT, she has learned to share pretty well. In fact, sometimes she shares more willingly than our girls. She doesn't fully understand who He is, but she loves Jesus. She is obsessed with the story of Jesus dying on the cross. Her first night with us I sang "Jesus Loves Me" to her and she finally stopped crying. We're making progress.

Our foster son is precious. He came at 9 months and is now 13 months old. We've gotten him through bronchitis, 3 teeth, colds, and celebrated his first birthday. He is walking and talking. He came to us sitting and staring. He now interacts well with the children and lights up when he sees them. He came to us only showing emotion when he would see his baby bottle; he is now weaned off the bottle and shows more emotion towards people than to food. {Although he really does love food -- if you could see him you would be able to tell.} Daddy is his favorite. He gets to the door as fast as he can when Trent comes home from work.

Typical Anne-face.

Annie turned five in November. The highlight of the year for her was learning to read. She reads at a fourth grade level and loves it. She is starting to be interested in reading books for information, not just for stories. She loves to play school and is most often the teacher. Anne is compassionate, kind, and loving. She does have her moments of uncontrollable emotions and I wonder what she'll be like at 13. Annie is growing to love the Lord more and more. She loves reading to her sisters and baby brother.

Abbey

The puzzle Queen.

Abbey is now 3 1/2. She still loves puzzles. She has also really enjoyed playing with play-doh. Abbey can read several words and enjoys being Annie's student. Abbey is usually the peacemaker in the house. She doesn't like anyone to be upset and quickly comforts any crying child by bringing them a toy or hugging them. Abbey continues to be a diligent child. She has a list of several people in our church who are older or sick who she prays for every night. She never misses one of these people on her list. She is a very mild little girl and is an absolute joy to have around.

Magdalena

Magdalena is 2 years old and is crazy. She talks all the time and is just really really silly. It doesn't help that she gets tons of encouragement from her big sisters. Maggie adores our foster son and he is her baby brother (even though he is much bigger than she is!). Magdalena adds a sparkle to our lives. We can't imagine our lives without that girl. I can't help but bite her cheeks and squish her all day long.








 


I have obviously been busy this year with packing from our move out of the city and taking care of the children. I love teaching the children and doing crafts with them. I love baking Christmas cookies, but I don't love washing the dishes. This has been a stressful year for me with the addition of our foster children. I have been so humbled and have depended on my husband, my mother and father-in-law, and my mom more than ever before. I know I could not have made it through these past four months without their support. I am definitely looking forward to 2013 and am hopeful that it will be a year of rejuvenation for our family.



I (Trent) have also been busy this year.  My work at BCF Group (Insurance agency) continues to go well. The last few months of the year have been especially busy as we acquired a small agency in the area and have been working hard to make a smooth transition for the customers.  It's been a challenge juggling my responsibilities - work, family, church leadership team, dealing with our problem tenant, getting our house sold, mowing the lawn, etc.  I'm continually thankful for many things; especially the health of our family, and an enjoyable, stable job that provides for our needs.  I leave 2012 feeling a bit "spent", so I'm also looking forward to 2013 as a year of rejuvenation. 

We hope you and yours have a safe and happy holiday season. Merry Christmas!

Love,
The Hesses

Truth

I have tried to be very transparent here about how life is for us now as foster parents. I am learning quite a bit about life and about myself.

Life is hard for a lot of people. Up until now, I knew that in my head, but never truly experienced it. After having conversations with "mom" I am realizing just how difficult things can be for many people and it has made it real to me.

I'm learning about myself. I am learning that although I thought I always loved children, I have always loved out of my own love, and not the Love of God. The love that comes from God is rich and pure, measureless and strong. The love that comes from Emily is conditional, it grows weary, it is weak, it fails, it is full of holes.

I've never had to pray to ask God to help me love one of my children. Even when they were wearing on my patience or not sleeping well I had a deep, innate, fierce love for my girls. My feelings are not the same for our foster daughter. She wears on my patience, she exhausts me, she doesn't obey, she doesn't sleep well, she is mean, she is manipulative, she doesn't sit still, she doesn't stop making noise. These things may not seem like a big deal to you. I'm sure if I were reading this, I would think "Well, she's just a child! She has gone through a traumatic experience." And these words are true. I heard someone describe foster children as "the annoying neighbor kid who doesn't ever leave." And if you have never taken in foster children this probably sounds cruel, but that's how I feel a lot of the time.

The other night Anne told me she saw a string in my hair. When she went to get it out she realized it was attached to my head. Yes, I have gray hairs now. Several of them. I hope that whenever our foster children go back home to their mother that I will be able to seek God's face with more passion and time than I do currently. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to find some reason for why we are living the way we are living, if the stress, the gray hairs, the impatience has done any good. Maybe I'll never know.

Oh, and for anyone who has ever heard that foster parents are in it for the money -- trust me -- they aren't. The pay stinks and the work is hard. I could make more money babysitting and I wouldn't have the responsibilities I do as a foster mom.

And all of that to say, if our foster kids were to leave tomorrow, we would miss them terribly. It's a bizarre pull of emotions. Plus - that babykins is just so sweet.

Talking & Walking

I'm sure all of you are familiar with the saying "You can talk the talk but can you walk the walk?"

I've been thinking about that a lot lately as we are entering our fourth month as foster parents. Prior to the children coming it was so easy to "talk the talk" about foster care, about the precious children who need us - a family - a home. And then the children come and we enter the "walking" phase. And that "precious" child is scream-crying, mean to our girls, disruptive, hyper-active and difficult to get along with. And it is hard to remember all those good reasons why we thought foster care was a good idea.

But then, God's grace shines through. The girl had 5 good days in a row. FIVE! That is a large miracle. She was kind, she shared, she slept well and ate well, and we were so grateful at the progress she had made. Unfortunately that positive streak has ended and we've had some rough days again. But I'm hopeful. There will be brighter days ahead.

Our days are crazy. We have so many appointments, doctor appointments, education appointments, dentist appointments, visits with the kids' mom, and the list goes on. Most days are exhausting, but God is giving us the strength to get through. I've been humbled and had to ask for a lot of help.

I can't thank my mother-in-law and my mom enough. They have both been fantastic with helping us with the children. We couldn't do it (and stay sane) without them.

I had high hopes of sending out Christmas cards with a letter like we have done the past few years. Unfortunately, time does not permit me to get that done this year. But - I do hope to put something together in blog form with input from Trent & the kiddos.

Annie Turns Five!

I know I've said it before, and you'll hear me say it multiple times over the years, but there is something really special about turning five. We don't do big birthday parties every year for every child. But turning five is a really big deal. It's a whole hand!! Since I have such a big family usually our birthday parties only involve family. But since turning five is so awesome I thought it would be neat for Anne to invite a couple of friends in addition to all her cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles.

When I asked her who she wanted to invite she said "Mema, the cousins [referring to her 11 or so first cousins], Grandpa and Grandma and Uncle Troy." I asked if she wanted to invite any friends and she said, "Oh yes! Heather!" Heather is my dear friend and we were neighbors for 5 of the 6 years we lived on N. Mary Street. Unfortunately Heather couldn't make it but she sent her husband and their three adorable children.

 

 We had such a great time!

 A little about my Anne at age five. Anne has always loved books. She had been really wanting me to teach her how to read. About four months ago I bought some very simple easy-reading books (one sentence/page) that were leveled so she could slowly work up to the fourth level. Before the books arrived in the mail I taught her some common sight words (the, and, I, go...). The books arrived and she picked up the first one and read it straight through. Typically there was a picture that could help figure out a difficult word on the page. In about a month's time she was reading at the 4th level. I didn't force this or focus on it too much. It was something that she wanted to do. She was highly motivated to read.

Since our foster children came two and a half months ago I hadn't taught her too many new things. She loved that she could read and would pick up books and read them to the other children while I was cooking, cleaning or washing dishes. One day it occurred to me that she is reading some really high level stuff. She picked up a chapter book and started reading it - with expression - nearly flawlessly. After looking at the reading levels of the books she is reading and doing an online assessment, it would appear that Anne has taught herself in short time how to read -- on a fourth grade level!! {I realize this may come across as bragging, but I am totally impressed by her drive and determination to read! Now if only she had the same love for numbers....}

This was completely Anne's idea to put on the angel wings.

Her pose of choice. {She's crazy but we love her!}

 So obviously at age five Anne loves to read. She also enjoys watching movies. Ice Age and Winnie the Pooh are some favorites. Anne loves to dance in her ballerina dress up clothes. She loves to sing. The "little girls" wanted to listen to kid's songs in the van today but Anne piped up that "I want to listen to WJTL" (Our local Christian radio station.) Just today she was singing "there may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning!" I'm so thankful for the good influence of Christian radio.

One of my favorites!!

 The Anne-girl is a sweetheart. She is learning in a very real way God's grace and mercy. She is the leader of the children in this home. It's a huge job - she now has four younger siblings - all of whom look up to her and respect her and watch to see what she is going to do. Foster care has been very challenging for Anne. The girl is not always nice, in fact, she will often intentionally say or do something to upset Anne and she knows just the right buttons to push to get on her nerves. But, when the girl was sick, Anne was the first one to pray for her to feel better. Anne is also very intuitive. One evening at dinner the girl was singing, "Jesus Loves Me" and Anne leaned over to me and said, "Mommy, I want to whisper something in your ear." I leaned over and she said, "You know, she (foster daughter) doesn't talk about 'Chucky' anymore." {For those of you who don't know, Chucky is an evil doll in a horror movie that comes to life and tries to kill people with a knife. Our foster daughter had seen this movie and often talked about Chucky and his knives when she first came. Any time she saw a knife she asked who we were going to kill what that knife.}

She's an angel, right?

 Anne does a very good job at leading our crew. She is a big helper. Of course, she is just a kid, and is usually the last one to have her shoes on because she is lolly-gagging about. But, she can't be perfect, can she?

I hope you have enjoyed reading all about Anne!

Photo credit: JCPenney Portrait Studio - & my awesome sister Audrey Shenk!

Roller Coaster Ride

Hi guys. Long time - no blog.  I've been thinking a lot about this blog and wanting to write, but time has a way of slipping past me. I've been taking a lot of naps these days. These five kids have a way of making me exhausted!

This journey of foster care is an emotional roller coaster. We have had some good days, and some bad days. Of course, that is parenting in general. However, now our bad days are really really bad. I mean, really bad. So bad that it makes me cry. So bad that I was prepared to give up. I rationalized it all in my mind -- that I'm really not cut out for this, that I'm screwing up my own children (and that is yet to be determined), that no one would really blame me (I mean, it's not even realistic to be expected to take care of five children under five).

But, the next day comes and things get a little better, a little better, a little better. The girl sings "Jesus Loves Me" and holds her light high for "This Little Light of Mine". The baby is taking his first steps; clinging to us. The girl feels safe. She feels loved. She knows what to expect. And so, we persevere. We push through the difficult days while clinging to the hope we have in Jesus. There are few things that are sweeter than hearing the girl sing, "Grace, grace, God's grace....." {Can you tell she loves music?}

So, we're in this for the long haul. We just got word that they'll be with us at least another 6 months-- probably longer. Please pray for protection for our children's hearts. They are already growing attached to the girl and the baby. After 2 1/2 months they are very much a part of our family.

On a completely different note - we were thrilled to sell our house in the city. We will have settlement on Nov. 19th. Just in time for Thanksgiving; that is certainly something to be thankful for. Many friends have asked if we have started looking at houses yet. We have a lease here until February and then can go month-to-month after that. We are constantly looking at houses on the real estate listing and have driven past a few that looked interesting to see if they would be something we would consider. But at this point aren't in a huge rush to find a new house!

Be on the look-out for a post dedicated to Anne. We no longer have five children under age 5!!

A Huge "Thank You"

Many thanks to all of you who have been praying for our family. Last week after I posted we had a great rest of the week. I could feel everyone's prayers. And not only the prayers, I have been greatly encouraged by those of you who have put inspirational things in my mailbox, those who emailed me and sent me messages on Facebook.

Your encouraging words have not fallen on deaf ears. I have received them and I am truly grateful. I know many of you have been in similar situations to what we are in now, and I really appreciate your insight and positive words. And to those who haven't been in our situation but have gone through any difficult time, I appreciate your kind and encouraging words.

Recently I was appalled at someone on Facebook who posted that they were going through a difficult situation. When others tried to encourage her through their personal journeys she rebuffed those attempts of kind and encouraging words, chiding them that they could not possibly understand or compare their situation to her own. I was really bummed that she was missing out on their well-meant encouragement and sent them only condescending remarks for their efforts. If we try hard enough we can learn from nearly any situation. And I am remembering this frustration I felt with this individual and vowing not to be so callous.

I speak in all truthfulness when I tell you all that I am grateful for you all. And those who have never done foster care or something along those lines, I know you have walked a difficult path of your own -- probably even more challenging than this -- and I genuinely appreciate you.

Death By a Million Pin Pricks

I haven't forgotten all you dear readers. And not to sound dramatic, but last week life felt as if we were dying a slow and painful death of a million pin pricks. Our foster daughter has had enough of us. Her jabs were constant and unrelenting starting last Sunday during church. Monday I was in tears. I tried to be the adult and rise above the constant "she's looking at me", "he's not your brother", "don't drink all your milk", "don't touch that". What's more fun than some time out of the house at a play ground, right? Wrong. At least last week it was wrong. We drove around while I blared Jars of Clay's Redemption Songs in the van. My spirit calmed, the kids seemed to calm. We went to Safe Harbor Park.

Everything started great, but Abbey was just a little too quick and ran ahead of our foster daughter to the slide. There goes Abbey's head -- being shoved down the slide. Abbey cries, foster daughter looks guilty, then lies, then goes to time out, then screams at me, then has snot and tears running down her face while she screams. The battle ensues. Twenty minutes it took her to tell me what she did then apologize to Abbey.

Battles over food, over telling the truth, over sharing and being kind, waking up at 5:30 am and not napping well. A million pin pricks.

We questioned ourselves. What are we doing? Why did we think we could handle having foster children? Are we destroying our kids lives?? I felt sure that I was not cut out for this. At one point I was so exasperated with the kids that I yelled "Everybody just stop it!! I think my head is going to explode!" They stopped -- they looked at my head to watch it happen.

I prayed more. I asked for friends to pray for us. I cried. I prayed more and more and more. And slowly, the week got a little better. Saturday was actually somewhat relaxing. Sunday wasn't too bad either. Today was actually pretty darn good. Somehow, in the midst of the chaos, our foster daughter has learned to write her nickname. The baby is smiling, and laughing and we just taught him to clap his chubby little hands. Thank the Lord for this baby. He is a joy to have in our home and is a spot of sunshine on the really awful days.

As usual, the Holy Spirit spoke to me through Scripture.

"Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart." Psalm 27:14

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

"Grace, mercy, and peace from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ our Savior." Titus 1:4

When I was ready to throw in the towel, the verse from Psalms appeared in our devotion book. Just because we had a good day today doesn't mean we will have a good day tomorrow. Yet God's grace really is sufficient. It is only through His grace that we made it through those days. And now we've had a couple of good days and we are gaining strength. I'm sure I'm being filled just to be emptied again, but God will see us through.

If you think of us, please offer up a short prayer on our behalf. Many people have asked us how they can help, and right now I feel that prayer is the most valuable way that anyone can help us minister to these children, especially our foster daughter.

J-O-Y

The girl has potential. Don't all children?

Reading is lovely and beautiful and fun. I have always read to all of our children. I question whether the girl has ever been read to in her nearly 4 years.

But today she has learned how to write the first letter of her nickname. She was so proud of herself. We celebrated her success.

I think that small victory makes up for the three crowns and the one filling she had to have this morning.

We are finding JOY each and every day with these dear children who are with us. 

Magdalena Turns 2

I did it!! I took all 5 kids to Park City to get Maggie's 2 year pictures taken. I survived (barely) and only lost one kid for about 5 minutes. Three of the kids fell asleep on the way home so I made many trips to and from the van to carry kids up to their beds. To say it was a long day is putting it mildly. But I was thankful I planned it for a Wednesday, knowing that we would be going to my in-laws for dinner so I wouldn't have to think about food. The more kids I have the more grateful I am for Wednesday nights with my mother and father-in-law.

 This is a funny Maggie-face. I can't tell who she looks like here. I guess she is just her own person!

Since this is an all about Maggie post, I thought I would think of what Maggie loves best at age 2. When she wakes up in the morning, the first things she wants is "nilky" (milk). She loves to play with the water table outside, but is not thrilled about the pool. She loves to take a bath but hates to have her hair washed. She is generally a good eater. I'm not sure what her favorite food is... maybe freeze pops!

She is opinionated. [Gasp! Surely this is not my child!] If she is upset that I am disciplining her she will say, "I don't like you, Mommy! You're yucky!"
 

But she can be very sweet, too. She likes to be held much more than either Anne or Abbey ever did. She can be very kind and helpful. She is starting to enjoy coloring more than she did before. She loves to paint. She loves her pink boots and her unicorn slippers and tea parties and babies. She really really loves babies. [Okay, she must be mine.]

I LOVE THIS FACE!!

 

For fun: Maggie's size and weight compared to Anne and Abbey at age 2:
Maggie: 33 inches tall and 22 pounds
Abbey: 32 1/4 inches tall and 21 pounds
Annie: 36 inches tall and 26 pounds

I think it is safe to say that she will soon catch up to Abbey.

Maggie has not been feeling great for the past couple of weeks. Yesterday and today she seemed much better. She has struggled to get along with our foster daughter since the day they arrived. But yesterday the two of them got along great. They were sharing and using kind words and sitting together nicely. I was thrilled at this change in both of them. Our foster-daughter has fiercely defended Maggie saying, "Don't you do that to my sister!" Maggie adores our foster-son. She crawls along the floor with him, makes sure he doesn't put small things in his mouth and refers to him using terms of endearments such as, "Babykins" and "sweetheart".

Magdalena continues to bring so much joy into our lives. We are thankful for her, for her fun-loving personality, for the different perspective she brings into our family. And I'm even thankful for the noise, the tears, and the hurts she brings. I cannot imagine life without her and am so often reminded of her small beginning, the uncertainty with her health, her gluten-intolerance, the long nights of being awake, and again, I'm thankful. The Lord has seen us through some very difficult days, and I'm confident that He will continue to see us through more of those days as she grows older.

I hope you have enjoyed the Maggie post.

Coming soon.... the Anne girl turns 5.

Bathed in Love

I promise I will have a 2-year-old post on Maggie coming soon. I'm hoping to get her pictures done next week, and then I will write a post dedicated to her.

We are continuing in this ministry of foster care. The longer the children stay, the more revelations come to light. As difficult as some days can be for the girl, I am reminding myself to be thankful that I can speak into her life, if just for a short period of time.

Long before our children were born, we prayed for them. We prayed for their salvation, for their physical bodies, for their future spouses just to name a few things. We loved them. From the moment our children were born, everywhere they turned, they were bathed in love.

Their Mama and Daddy love them; their aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and great-grandparents love them. People at church love them; old women in the grocery store love them. And most importantly, they have always heard that Jesus loves them The love was unconditional. Sure, they disobeyed and had to be disciplined, but they always knew that they were loved.

Can you imagine living your first (almost) 4 years without that kind of love? Of course you would be skeptical of a new person in your life. Of course you would treat them with disrespect. If all you have ever heard are sarcastic words, and rude behavior, what would you be like?

Children are excellent parrots. I remember the first time I heard Anne repeat something I had said to her out of frustration. It didn't sound very nice coming out of a 2-year-old's mouth, but I'm sure she repeated what I said with surprising accuracy.

I am seeing some fruit of the love and dedication I have poured into our girls - especially Annie and Abbey. When the girl is rude, they are not rude back. When she uses harsh words, they do not counter with more harsh words. Yes, I'm sure they are what most of you would consider sheltered. I have been very proud of the way they are persevering, being kind and good and having self-control. Unfortunately Maggie is having a rough time with the girl. Maggie is smaller and the girl knows just which buttons to push. In the girl's defense, Maggie has quickly learned what to say to upset the girl.

But, we are working hard to show her the love of Christ. An unconditional love that is completely foreign to her. I am thankful for the patience that the Holy Spirit has filled me with this past week. It should probably become my daily prayer as I rise each morning.

Lord, grant me patience, help me to show grace and experience grace. Fill me with your Holy Spirit as I minister to these five beautiful children. Thank you, Lord, for your forgiveness. Amen.

Life Lessons this Week

I'm not sure that there has ever been a week more crazy in our home.

Many of you know by now that we became the proud parents of 5 this week. We now have a 4 year old, two 3 year olds, a 2 year old (happy birthday Maggie!) and a 9 month old.

Late afternoon on Monday we received a call asking us to take a 3 year old girl and her 9 month old brother. (***For the children's protection we cannot give their names or show their pictures on any public site - as in this blog or facebook. I will refer to them as "the girl" and "the baby"***) We said "Yes!"

I'll try to give a brief rundown of what this week looked like for us.

The children came around 5:15 p.m. and nobody had eaten dinner. Trent had to work on our city house so he would be home late. Our 3-year-old foster daughter screamed/tried to escape in the proceeding 2 hours until Trent got home. She finally calmed down when he got home as he seemed to have a calming effect on her. The baby came to us with a terrible cough and gross boogery nose. The baby went right to sleep at slept all night. The girl cried for a long time and kept needing me to come to her room for various things. She wanted noodles at 10 pm, she wanted her apple juice in bed, she wanted me to sleep in her bed with her, she wanted to watch Dora at 4 am. She was awake every couple of hours and then solidly from 4-6 am, and then she finally went back to sleep and slept until around 7:30 or 8.

Day #2 I loaded all 5 kids in the van and drove 45 minutes to the baby's doctor appointment that I scheduled that morning. He has bronchitis. Drove through McDonald's for lunch. Somehow managed to get all 5 kids asleep at the same time and I took a nap for an hour. We went to Trent's parents for a Trent/Maggie birthday celebration. Long, tiring day.

Day #3 the girl was a little aggressive toward Magdalena this day. She hit her a few times and also pulled her hair. The baby was VERY fussy. Trent had a pastoral search committee meeting and so I put the kids to bed myself.

Day #4 we had a great day!! We didn't have to leave the house and were starting to get into a routine. My sister stopped by the house and got to meet the baby. The girl was already taking her nap.

Day #5 (today!) we had another great day. We are working on the eating/schedule thing with the girl. She asks for snacks all day long and for food at weird times. The one night she woke up around 1 am and asked Trent for a hot dog. She has asked me for a bowl of cereal in the middle of the day and I am trying to wrap my head around their waking/sleeping schedule. At this point they both seem to sleep very well through the night. They all napped at the same time today and I was even able to do a little painting. I had started a project of re-doing an end table and 2 night stands before they came. We'll see how long it takes me to finish them. =) We went to a picnic with Trent's co-workers. The kids all did great and we had a fun time.

We learned today that the children will be with us for awhile, at least mid-October.

Two of the lessons I have learned this week are:

1. To be humble! My wonderful mother-in-law came over to watch our 3 girls while I took the girl and the baby to Kmart for clothes. I could not have done it without her. Oh, that was on day #3. Did I say I could not have done this without her? I am very very grateful for her help!

2. God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. It's something I have heard before but I'm not sure I have ever really experienced. I know that especially that 2nd morning by myself I could not did not do it on my own strength. He also perfectly orchestrated the children to sleep at the same time because I desperately needed sleep.

We have another very busy week coming up next week, I'm not sure that we have a free day on the calendar. We will also experience our first visit with the children's mother. They are scheduled to have weekly visits. I have no idea what that will do to the girl, but I imagine it is going to be very very difficult.

I do believe that God has these children with us for a reason, and I am hoping that I can shine Christ's light into their darkened lives. The children have never been to church. I always sing "Jesus Loves Me" to my kids before they go to bed, and I did the same for the girl and the baby. The girl often asks me to sing that song, and will sing it along with me now. She also memorized our Bible verse for the week.

"Rejoice in the Lord always; I will say it again, Rejoice!" Philippians 4:4.

A day like Today

This morning as I got out of bed Trent gave me that dreaded warning about our 3-year-old's behavior. "She's in rare form this morning."

After he left for work all three children were playing nicely together and I got to have a few minutes by myself. As I sipped my first cup of coffee I prayed for the children, for our busy day ahead, and for grace. It's really a common theme in this house. I have received much (from God, my husband and the children), and this morning I really felt the need to pray for grace: that I can show it to the children and that I can receive it as well.

Breakfast went smoothly as the children downed their zucchini muffins (2 for Anne, 1 1/2 for Abbey and 3 for Magdalena). Can you tell who is going to grow?

As we went upstairs to prepare for the day, Abbey asked if they could play in the "foster care room". I don't typically allow them in that room because it makes more of a mess for me to clean up. Also, they have developed a bad habit of pushing the toddler bed close to the crib; then climbing into the crib and jumping off the crib rail onto the toddler bed. Not really the safest game in the world, and they are frequently told not to do this. Anyway, I succumbed to the whining 3-year-old (by the way-- what are terrible twos compared to threes?). I quickly checked my email and facebook when I heard thumping coming from the other room. I go over to find Abbey jumping onto the toddler bed and one of the wooden slats under the bed broken in half.

I was not happy. But "not happy" really is too gentle to describe how I felt and my ensuing actions. If I can be honest with you, I was angry; very very angry.

I scolded severely. Okay, I'll admit it, I yelled. I sent them to their room and I yelled some more. I attempted to shame them by telling them our foster child will not have a bed to sleep in and how would that make them feel.

Then... Abbey pointed her finger at me and "pcew" shot me with her finger gun. I was so angry!! How dare she do that while I'm punishing her?? Then Maggie followed her lead and did the same thing. I yelled some more.

A voice of an angel chimed in and said, "Mommy. Mama. I know you're upset and you're very angry, but you need to have some self-control. Just take a deep breath and have some self-control. I know it's hard, but just relax."

Could these words really have just come from my almost 5-year-old who also struggles with self-control?

They were, of course, the words I needed to hear. I stopped, I took a deep breath. But I wasn't ready to ask their forgiveness. However, my 3-year-old was quick to repent and ask me to forgive her for disobeying and for breaking the bed. I said I forgave her and I put a video on for the children to watch so I could take a quick shower.

I prayed and prayed and prayed in the shower. My morning prayer came back to me.  Over and over I heard the word repeated, grace, grace, grace, grace. It's easy to pray for it, it's much harder to act on it.

My soul calmed, I regained my composure, our day moved on.

A stop at Cherry Hill for peaches, a stop to deliver a meal, another stop to deliver another meal. The children were patient. They love car rides.

Home again for lunch. As I was preparing food for the children I thought over our morning. I knew I needed to ask for their forgiveness. I came to the table and humbled myself before my children. Will they please forgive me for not having self-control this morning and for yelling at them? They forgave me. Abbey again apologized for breaking the bed. I forgave her.

Anne reminded me of how difficult it is to be good and obey all the time. She said when we go to heaven we'll always obey and be good.  And won't that be nice because it is so hard to have self-control.

You see, this Anne-girl is a part of me. She has part of my sin-nature. The desire to obey God, yet it is just so difficult at times. We lose self-control.

I think back to the years before I became a Christian and at all the times I was angry and had no self-control. It was a common theme in  my life. And yet, "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)




If that's not a picture of grace, I don't know what is.


Have you extended grace to someone today?

Another Call

We received another call yesterday. A five year old girl and a 2 1/2 year old boy. I desperately wanted to say, "Yes." But, a big concern that Trent has always had was taking a child older than Anne. We said, "No," again.

It was much more difficult this time around for me. I love and respect Trent, so I submit to him. But yesterday it certainly was not easy.

Please pray for unity as we make life-changing decisions that will affect not only us, but also our children and the children we will humbly attempt to care for.

Also, for those of you who don't know how this works, we receive a call with information about the children and their situation. We have about 10-15 minutes to decide if we will take them or not. If we say "Yes," (at least with these first 2 calls) the children will be brought to our house within a couple of hours.

Huge decisions on a small amount of time. Again, please pray for unity as we make these decisions. I thank you all sincerely.

Voice of Truth

Do you know this Casting Crowns song?

I was in the van today when this song came on. The first verse struck me in a new way today. It says:

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand

In some ways we have taken that first step of faith. We are officially approved for foster care. We received our first call on Friday. We were asked to take two children.


But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"



Suddenly we were afraid. We didn't have a "strong feeling" one way or the other regarding these children. Trent and I talked for awhile, then thought & prayed separately, then talked again. We said, "No," to these two children.
 

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth







Peter got out of the boat and began walking on the water toward Jesus. But he looked down and began to sink. When our eyes are fixed upon Jesus, we can "walk on water".





Our first call was definitely a learning experience. It made us truly realize that this is for real, it's no longer words or a good/nice thing to do. These are the lives of dear children we are talking about. This call forced Trent and I to further discuss what we can take on. We can talk until we're blue in the face, but the truth is, every situation is different, every child is unique, every birth parent has their own struggles, and whatever we say "Yes" to, God WILL see us through. He WILL be our strength.


We WILL choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.

And we WILL be ready for our next phone call.
 

Clean!

Praise the Lord! Our water test came back with ZERO (0) bacteria! As far as we know this is the last step in being officially approved for foster care. Continued prayers for wisdom would be appreciated! Thanks everyone!

Iced Coffee

Daddy with the mulberries, surrounded by his girls.

I only have a brief update regarding foster care. We had the UV light & filter installed and gave a water sample two days ago. We should know results on Monday. Once we email these results to our caseworker we will be officially approved. 

I don't think I have ever posted a recipe on here, but as I was enjoying my iced coffee this morning I thought I would share it here, just in case, you are like me: A non-morning person, a busy Mama, stay-up-too late kind of person.

Ingredients:
1 can sweetened condensed milk
12 cups hot, strong coffee
Ice cube tray
Whipped cream ** (Optional)

Directions:
Pour coffee into ice cube tray and put in freezer. Open can of sweetened, condensed milk and pour into a pitcher. Pour remaining hot coffee on top of milk. Stir. Put in refrigerator. Once cold, enjoy it!  For a special treat we sometimes put whipped cream on the top and drink it after the kids are asleep. =)

3 beautiful girls and a wheat field

Pure Joy

As I was praying today, the Spirit spoke to me through Scripture, as He usually does. The following verses popped into my head:

James 1:2-5 (NIV) "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

I don't know about you all, but when I go through trials I do not feel pure joy. Often when I look back upon trials I can often see the Spiritual growth that occurred.

As we go through this time of uncertainty, I am going to make a conscious effort to show pure joy, knowing that as I persevere I will mature. My prayer will continually be for wisdom.

If I'm honest with myself, I can really sing He's been "So Good to Me" .

*Just a side note: Scripture memory is so POWERFUL!*  So thankful for the Word of God!

Fear

One thing I have learned as I walk with the Lord and that He does all things well, and He has a purpose. Yesterday we were told that we will probably have to leave this house I love when our lease is completed in February. I went through a wide range of emotions in a very short time; anger, bitterness, resentment, annoyance, fear, and sadness. I had myself a good cry.

Yet through it I was seeking God. We were so sure that God wanted us here, in this house, for a reason. We thought that reason was so that we would have the space for more children, for foster care. Our homestudy was June 5, and we were approved, except that our well water was full of bacteria. The next step we needed to complete was to get that taken care of, and what we learned was that a UV light was the way to do it. We had Martin's Appliance & Water Conditioning come out Friday to give us an estimate. And we thought we would be on our way to more children within a couple of weeks. Then Saturday we received this news that throws a wrench into our plans.

As I was praying last night and was trying to find the purpose in all of this (what I consider to be a mess!) a new thought hit me. Soon after we moved here, to my old home, I began having bad dreams; nightmares, really. The dreams always revolved around the same theme; that I will be left alone. The dreams varied between Trent leaving me for another woman to Trent getting cancer and dying. Sometimes I would have these dreams multiple times a week. Sometimes I would tell Trent, and other times it felt too painful so I would keep them to myself.

A couple weeks ago I started to write a post on fear, and how I have this terrible fear that something bad is going to happen in my marriage (as in Trent leaving me or Trent dying). I couldn't find the words to put together what I wanted to say, but I'm going to try now. I want to try to be fair to the people who may find themselves in my story, but they are a piece of my story and have shaped who I have become.

As long as I can remember my parents had a rocky marriage. Small disagreements or arguments, a look of annoyance or disgust. I thought that was what marriage was. Some years were more difficult than others. I remember after one particularly heated argument when I was in about 7th grade I shouted at my parents, "Why don't you guys just get divorced!" (I was sent to my room in tears after this outburst of disrespectful behavior.) Everything came to a head when I started my second year of college. I got a phone call from my sister saying mom and dad were going to be separating. Although I saw it coming for years, I was crushed.

Anyone who is going through or has gone through a divorce where children are involved and says, "The kids are doing fine" lies. They may not know they are lying, but they are. For years I've always "seemed okay" and thought I was fine, yet here I am, more than seven years after my parents separated and I'm having nightmares about my husband leaving me. {Just a side note: Trent and I are extremely happy in our marriage!! These are just my fears that I have never dealt with!}

I firmly believe that these bad dreams have been an attack of Satan on me, and on our marriage. Satan would like nothing better than to ruin a wonderful marriage that glorifies God. Thankfully I have God on my side, and He is much stronger than the evil one. Trent has been praying for me and the dreams have stopped.

So how did I get to this point? Well, I believe that one of the reasons we came back to my childhood home is so that I could realize and deal with these fears, so that our marriage can be stronger. I still don't know what it means in regards to foster care, or where we will go when our lease is up, but I am putting my hope and trust in the Lord. We didn't expect to have this house, yet here we are. Sure, we'll be moving again, but God will have something else for us. In the meantime, I intend to take this time to strengthen my marriage, to grow closer to the Lord, to love on my children and show them the beauty of God's creation.

Would you pray for us? I don't think we can ever go wrong in asking for wisdom, and that is certainly what we need now. Thank you friends & family.

We have a Due Date (Sort of)

When you are pregnant with a child one of the first questions you hear is, "When are you due??" Our journey to foster care is so completely different than a pregnancy, but no less exciting and probably a little bit {ok, a LOT} scarier. (Especially since this would be my 4th pregnancy so by this time it's old hat.)

Well, I'm pleased to tell you that our Homestudy date is schedule for June 5th! From that point on I believe I could answer like most expectant mothers past 37 weeks... "any time now!".

Please pray for us as we continue in this process.

Comfortable

Life in the country is comfortable. It is very easy for me to feel happy where we are. In fact, I had that exact thought multiple times on Sunday. The first was in a conversation at church where it struck me that life is, for lack of a better word, easy. Then after the children napped on Sunday we walked across the street to the barns and strolled around. I re-lived a precious moment from when I was probably 6 or 7 years old and living in this place. I walked up the small hill of the bank barn, and skipped down with the breeze in my face and my arms outstretched like wings. Trent had a good laugh at the childishness of the moment and the girls thought it looked like fun. I was below the stone wall watching my dear children skip in the grass with a bright blue sky and cotton ball clouds above them and felt that "God's in His Heaven, all's right in the world." (Robert Browning)

As Trent and I talked and the children played, I told him that we could live here, with our three precious girls, and be very comfortable. But, is that what life is all about? Being comfortable?

Maybe life for some, but not for me, for my Christan walk. Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that I am not trying to be judgmental on how others live their Christian lives. I am just sharing my story.

Romans 6:22 (NIV) "But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life."

I think this verse in many ways describes why I feel the way I do. As a follower of Christ, I have been set free from sin. In this instance, I would say my sin could be called being "comfortable" or (Revelation 3:16 ) "lukewarm". Since being free, I am now a slave or servant of God. As such, I MUST do as He says. Although I could choose not to do as He says, I would not reap holiness. To those who cannot (even as fellow Christians) understand why I have a desire to open my home to foster children, this is the best I can answer you: At the end of my life, I will be standing face to face with my Creator. I want Him to say to me, "Well done good and faithful servant" (Matt 25:23) I do not want Him to say, "You wicked, lazy servant!" (Matt 25:26)

We anticipate our homestudy to be sometime in June. At some point after that, life for us will change. We may not be as comfortable as we once were, but I have no doubt in my mind that our lives will be forever changed for the better.

Sunrise Hollow

I know it's old fashioned and if I didn't read so many L.M. Montgomery books the idea would probably never have come to me. But I do, so the idea came.

Our house was built in 1860. A house like ours should have a name.

Trent hasn't done the research yet to figure out who built our home, but whoever did knew what they were doing. The location (other than being close to the road, which at the time was dirt/gravel and rarely traveled except by slow moving horse & buggies so it didn't really matter) is perfect!! The house sits in a small valley and has lots of windows. Every morning the east side of our house is greeted with a beautiful sunrise and in the evening the west side glows with the sunset. Since our children have always been early risers., the sunrise was one of the first things I came to appreciate about the house. We certainly never saw any sunrises in the city. Too many buildings blocking the view.

Our "master bedroom" is in the back of the house above the kitchen. There are 5 windows in our room. Two of those windows face directly due East. When I wake up in the morning the girls or Trent will pull back the curtain so I can see the sunrise. It's lovely. I'm not much of a singer, but I often find the words to the hymn "the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning, new every morning, Great is thy faithfulness Oh, Lord, Great is thy faithfulness" on my lips on these beautiful mornings. {And on the particularly pink mornings I hear "Morning has Broken" but in my head it is always Cat Stevens singing!} I find it so easy to be full of joy while living here, in the country, in this house, at this time.


If you haven't guessed it, I have decided that our house will be called "Sunrise Hollow" from here on out. It just makes sense for this house to have a name. I like to say things like, "Are you ready to head back to Sunrise Hollow?" or "This is our first Spring at Sunrise Hollow. Look at these lovely irises that the girls and I planted today, dear." It just has a nice ring to it. The photos really don't do justice to the hot pink morning skies that we are privy to nearly every morning. How can you not believe in God when you see something like this?