Interracial Family & Parenting

It is a rare, perhaps unheard of, individual who does not make decisions based on their own personal (or to use a woke-term, “lived”) experience. The current trend is full of individuals attempting to be kind, compassionate, understanding of humans who have had different experiences from our own. This is admirable. However, I believe we need to strike a balance between the two to come to a healthy conclusion.

I'm sure it is clear to you that I am talking about the recent tragedy of the police officer in Minneapolis who killed the man he apprehended, George Floyd, and suddenly we're flung hundreds of years back into a racially divided history.

Before I continue I would like to explain my own personal experience. I am a white female who grew up relatively poor as a young child, then my family moved us into a more comfortable financial situation when I was a teen. Neither of my parents went to college. My uncle (mom's brother) is black. His first wife and my cousins are black. My brother-in-law is Puerto Rican. The high school I attended was fairly diverse. I truly believed I had achieved MLK's dream of judging by the content of character rather than the color of skin.

I received a scholarship to an HBCU (Historically Black College/University) in Jackson, Mississippi. I would spend two years living in the deep south. During freshman orientation a motivational speaker claimed from the podium that “your ancestors were slaves and now you have the chance to rise above the man”. Talk about uncomfortable as one of the only white people sitting there. I experienced, for the first time, people hating me for the color of my skin (something we are told does not happen to white people). I had people I thought were my friends tell me, “You're getting too comfortable with us.” I had a classmate claim I was there to “steal their good men,” while I sat, red-faced and silent in a US History class as the only white person in a class of 50 black people. Ironically, it was one of those good guys who stood up for me, telling her that “you know you'd be out of here in a minute for a rich white guy”. I saw black people viciously attack other black people for “talking white” when they didn't use prodigious amounts of (ebonics) slang. I saw black people shaming other black people for being “too dark”. My eyes were opened in a new way to the racial disparity and the very real racism that is still alive, and strong in the south.

The people it was most difficult for me to make friends with were the ones who grew up in Jackson. Others were easier to make friends with because they had, in their personal histories, positive interactions with white people. These were also most likely the people accused of talking white.

Do I think there is racism still in America? Absolutely. I lived it, after all. Do I think George Floyd was murdered? Absolutely. Do I think people are colorblind? Absolutely not. Do I think we should focus more on our skin color. No.

We have been an interracial family for three years now with our daughters adopted from China. Previously we were an interracial family when we fostered two black children. I do not write or speak much about our foster children because they are no longer my children and their story is no longer part of mine (other than watching them grow from a social media distance which I'm tremendously grateful for). So while I could share from the time they lived with us, I will not.

“Man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

Ruth obviously knows she looks different from the rest of our family. She even looks different from Heidi, our other daughter adopted from China. With summer's first rays, Ruth tans to a glorious, smooth brown. Heidi, on the other hand, is whiter than everyone else in the family. Ruth has silky, black hair, while the rest of us are a range of shades from blonde to brown and everything between. Her best friend and sister, Caroline, is tall (at least in our family of short people) and has blonde curly hair. As for their outward appearances, they couldn't be more different.

Yet, they came to me the other morning dressed alike and noted how no one would be able to tell them apart, because they're the same. Caroline said people would know it's her because she has earrings and Ruth doesn't. 

Why, would two intelligent girls act like they were so similar in looks that people can't tell them apart? I submit to you that it is because their hearts are so in tune with one another that that is how they see themselves. Ruth has gone through periods of time where she is sad and frustrated that she doesn't have curly hair like Caroline. But Caroline reminds her that her hair is nice, too, and as a bonus, it doesn't get any tangles.

So how do I parent my interracial family? I attempt to raise my children in a similar way I was raised: we judge people on their character, not their physical appearance. While we discuss the similarities and differences in our outward appearances, it is not the focus of our lives. My personal belief, based on my own experience, is that when the outward experience is focused on too heavily (such as in the south) it does nothing to ease racial tension, in fact, it appears to exacerbate the situation.

Will my children face unkind remarks because they are Chinese? Most likely at some point in their lives. Did I face unkind and hurtful remarks from my physical flaws and outward appearance? Yes. And sometimes these were comments made by adults who should know better.

But here's the thing. At the end of the day I'm raising my children and growing myself to be a better Christian.

Galatians 3:28 says it best; “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

Obviously there are Jews and Gentiles and male and females and sadly in some parts of the world still slaves and free men. The point Paul is trying to make and that I agree with is this: once we become Christians, none of those things matter, for we are one.

The challenge this brings us to in our current climate of race wars, politics and more, is that many of these people are not Christians. We are not united because we don't all have Christ.

I believe that until we are all united in Christ, division and strife will continue. Jesus is the only answer to cure all our sins (such as racism).

I know there have been many times throughout history when people believe the end times were near. I can see how they would feel that way. Revelation 22:20 resonates more strongly with me everyday: “He who testifies to these things says, "Yes, I am coming soon." Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.”

Come, Lord Jesus, come.