One Year Home With Heidi the Brave!

One year. A whole year of being home with Heidi. Our brave, brave girl. 

There is so much I could say about this past year so it will take great restraint to keep this post short. Likely I will be unsuccessful. 

On this day, Sunday, September 13, 2020 I will say this about Heidi: she has the most contagious laugh. Heidi can be stubborn; if she doesn't want to try something new, you cannot make her. Heidi is brave; after watching you show her something new she will almost always try it if she can do so on her own terms. Heidi is finding her voice, finding her way in the world, finding where she fits in this all-of-a-kind family. Heidi will do things for dad that she refuses to do for mom. Heidi will run to Anne or Abbey if she doesn't want to do what mom wants her to do. Heidi gives the best running hugs when I open her door in the morning. Heidi is very often happy, full of joy and light. She brings sunshine to our lives and we are eternally grateful that she is a Hess girl.

The year has not been without it's challenges. Loving Heidi was never hard. In the midst of all the difficulties the year presented, attaching to and loving Heidi was never one of them, and we are very grateful for that.

When Heidi came home one year ago her skill level was in about the 0-6 month range for everything. She was 22 months old when she came home.

(Heidi just before adoption)

Her cognitive skills were solid in 0-3 months with one skill in 3-6 (pull cloth from face). Heidi spent a significant amount of time staring at her hands. There was a decided lack of opportunity in her orphanage coupled with the fact that she spent her first 6 months of life in a hospital, it is our belief that she did not have the chance to grow these skills. With love and lots of therapy she is now at 18 months! That's a solid 15 months gain in 12 months. Praise God for the miracles He has done in Heidi's life.

Heidi was in the 9-12 range for physical development because she could stand up on her own, but for fine motor was back in 0-3 month because she didn't use her hands for much of anything and certainly could not use the pincer grasp. Heidi could hold a toy for less than 3 seconds before dropping it. She had no connection to toys, didn't know how to play, how to touch, how to explore her environment. Heidi is now solidly in 24 month skill level for her physical development with some higher level skills (kicks a ball, walks heel to toe, swings arms) at 30-36 months. This is an 18+ months gain in 12 months! Her fine motor skills are still lagging behind which is to be expected. With the tremendous help of her occupational therapist (I love you, Chris!) she is solidly at 12 months. That's a 12 month gain in 12 months! She has overcome tremendous fear, sensory challenges, and more in working with her hands. Praise God for the miracles He has done in Heidi's life.

Heidi was at a less than newborn (is there such a thing?) stage for eating. She could not suck a bottle or chew food. If she was not being force fed in the orphanage she would have been on a feeding tube. We were so grateful for our previous experience with Ruth drinking from a spoon bottle for cleft babies who cannot suck, and were even more filled with gratitude to have been able to find one in the city Heidi was from. Her feeding experience had been so traumatic plus she had poor oral hygiene resulting in painful gingivitis that every meal was extraordinarily stressful for all of us (and woe to anyone who happened to be at the breakfast buffet at the same time as us) in China. If she ate 5 bites of watery yogurt without screaming we considered it a win. I made frantic calls from China to our dentist and doctor, both of whom have my undying love and gratitude for their reassurance, kindness, and willingness to personally call me back across the ocean. This need is the one we were not anticipating at all. Her adoption file stated she was eating rice, noodles, drinking a bottle, and more. We were completely unprepared for an almost 2-year-old who had no idea how to eat. 

Heidi can now suck from a straw and sippy cup, she can chew a variety of textures, she can pick up a spoon and feed herself, she can attempt to spear with a fork and feed herself, she can scoop food out of a bowl and feed herself, she can pick up small bites with a pincer grasp and feed herself, she can take an appropriate bite of a sandwich and chew and swallow and feed herself. Guys.... do you see the pattern. Heidi. Is. Feeding. Herself. I had hoped this would happen by her third birthday. Apparently all it took was me going away for two days and daddy being in charge for her to decide she can feed herself. This puts Heidi solidly in the 12 month range with a couple of “big kid” skills like using a spoon independently (12-18 months) and using a fork to stab food (18-24 months). A 12+ month gain in 12 months. This has not been accomplished without great effort on the part of Heidi, Heidi's therapist, Heidi's sisters (who patiently loved her and sat through countless meals where she screamed), me and Trent. But most of all, God, who we praise for the miracles He has done in Heidi's life.

Heidi's communication skills at adoption were, again, very infant-like. She cried. A lot. For everything. She was at a 3-6 month level for her communication skills: meaning she laughed out loud, she would turn her head when her name was called, she made noises. But mostly. She cried. Oh, how she cried. Heidi cried one day for so long and us so unable to comfort her and at a total loss in how to help this sweet, sweet girl, that the hotel sent someone to knock on our door to check on us. I don't know what they thought: maybe they thought the baby was alone in the room, I don't know. I remember feeling so completely helpless. I had five other children and lots of experience with children and babies, and I couldn't make her stop crying. I prayed so much, so hard during our time in China. It's a humbling experience not to be able to provide comfort for a child you've longed for. Because Heidi's other needs were so much more pressing (she NEEDED to eat), we didn't start speech therapy right away, even though she qualified for it.

(Sweet, brave baby girl)

We started only in January, 2020, so just 8 months ago. When I consider the way God works, I can't help but see his hand evident in every aspect of Heidi's life. Heidi has been blessed with two Christian therapists (We love you, Hope!). Her speech therapist has walked alongside of us and celebrated all Heidi's gains with us. Not only did Heidi have a significant speech delay (3-6 month skill level at 22 months of age), she now had to learn a whole new language! In about June we started to see Heidi make some small connections. She understood “more” for the first time, and used the sign appropriately. From there it has snowballed into dramatic improvement. She still relies heavily on sign language, but her therapist is confident (and thus, she makes me confident) that Heidi will be verbal. She WILL be verbal. Heidi is gaining new signs all the time and is putting together 3 signs, most often a combination of more + (whatever she wants) + please. She can sign more, water, milk, yogurt, noodles, jump, book, all done, help me, please, tickle, shoes, baby. She can vocalize “mah” when signing more, “dah” for all done, pluh for “please”, and upon request will say “dada” and “mama”. When asked “Who do I love?” she says “You!”. She can give high-fives and fist bumps. If I say, “Gimme some sugar baby,” she leans her head forward for a kiss. She understands, “No,” and just started shaking her head when she knows she's doing something she's not supposed to (like pulling hair). Heidi is racking up the animal noises: she has mastered elephant, monkey, and sheep, and makes a valiant effort for snake. She can point to her head, eyes, nose, and belly. She's hanging out in the 12-18 month range which a couple of 12 month skills she hasn't mastered (she rarely says anything spontaneously, it's all upon request), pointing isn't a strong suit just yet, and doesn't always respond to “where” questions. If they are questions we have deliberately worked on such as: bring me a diaper, or put the diaper in the trash, she can do those things, but I would say she's still inconsistent enough not to count it.

I saved the best skill set for last. Social-emotional. At adoption Heidi was at a 3-6 month level, with one skill (peek-a-boo) in the 6-9 month range. One of my favorite videos we received of Heidi prior to adoption, one of the videos that gave me such hope for Heidi's future, is a video of her being tickled by her ayi and her laughing and laughing and laughing. Heidi was fifteen months old in that video. She could only turn her head from side to side and roll over from her belly to back. She was very, very tiny. Her head was very flat from lying on her back so much. But she laughed. And oh, could she laugh. And I thought to myself, any baby that can laugh in the hardest of circumstances, has a light in her that the darkest circumstances cannot put out. Maybe in that very moment I began thinking of her as my daughter. In her other very early videos her skill level was so low it was scary. Scary to consider what her future might be. Scary to consider all the challenges she would face. But God. He sees beyond those moments of our fear and provides grace to us for our humanness. 

(15 months old)

Heidi Grace is initially reserved with new people, but when she loves, she loves deep. Heidi has always made great eye contact. When the International Adoption Clinic Specialists told me to consider that she may have autism, my family physician said don't you worry about that. Look at how she looks at the caretaker. And when I brought her for the first visit he said, “look how she looks at you. No, you shouldn't worry about that. I think in a year you'll see a completely different child. What she needs is for you to love her, feed her right, and get some therapy.” And by God, he was right. I'm so grateful to have a Christian doctor in my life! Heidi is now soaring into the 12-18 month range, with some additional skills in the 24 month range such as pride in accomplishments, listening quietly to stories or a movie, and using “please” (still working on “thank you”); additionally she recognizes when others are happy or sad, which is a 24-30 month skill. This is a 12+ month gain in 12 months. The amazing thing is that Heidi has not only adapted to a new language but a new family and STILL managed to gain over a full year's worth of growth in one year. Her speech therapist (and I) fully anticipate much more rapid growth now that she clearly understands English. We Praise God for the miracles He has done in her life.

Sadly, Heidi has some behaviors which are often referred to as “orphanage behaviors” that we continue to work through. The hardest of these has been seeing her hit herself in the head. I had read about children who lived in orphanages doing this but didn't have any personal experience with parenting a child like this. Since Heidi loves to teach me new things, this has been one of them. It was so shocking the first time we saw her do this. Most often it had to do with feeding. Later, it had to do with whenever another child in our home would cry, she would start banging herself in the head. I will admit we haven't worked through this completely and are still attempting to make her feel loved and secure enough that she doesn't feel the need to comfort herself in this way. Often, in an orphanage setting, there aren't enough caretakers to comfort crying children. Many times they learn not to cry because it doesn't elicit a response. Other times, they find other means of self-soothing, like rocking themselves, banging their heads, or hitting themselves. It's a drastic, harsh reminder that children belong in families. The very best orphanages are still not replacements for a child having a family. When Heidi first came home she never came to us for comfort. When she was upset she would lie on the floor and pick at the carpet, or lie on the floor and hit her head. After visiting her orphanage I have no doubt she spent many, many hours in this manner. Now she runs to us when she's sad. She wants someone to pick her up if she's been hurt. She looks to people to provide what she needs. Most of the time. When Ruth cries (since the oldest 4 rarely cry) she often will still hit herself in the head. We are working with her therapist to figure out a way to curb that instantaneous response, but our social worker said often it just takes time. Lots and lots of time. And we praise God for the miracles He has done in her life.

This past month has been filled with so many gains. New signs. Feeding herself independently. So many laughs. So much joy. A new routine with sisters going back to (home) school. And through it all, she remains our Heidi the Brave.

When we were given the laundry list of possible diagnosis for Heidi prior to adoption it felt so scary. We had prayed and prayed and some of you will remember that I felt God pressing on my heart on Good Friday that all we can see is the bad, but he sees the future and knows how her story will end and it is good. We went into bringing Heidi home as a Hess with the knowledge that she may have any number of medical diagnoses. She does not have any of them. Yes, she is still developmentally delayed but we truly believe she will continue to make progress and catch up. We're so grateful to have said, “Yes” to Heidi. We can't imagine our lives without her in it and we feel so privileged to call her ours.

Happy one year home! We love you!