Mary’s first Month

There’s something about a new baby that always makes me notice the passage of time; the coinciding of time dragging and also passing in a blink can make my head spin. 

This month has been extremely difficult. I’ve had more lows than highs. I don’t think I’m generally led by my emotions or feelings but that hasn’t been true this month. I have cried several times over my failings: my inability to feed Mary the way I want to, the physical and mental exhaustion that comes with triple feeding (breast, bottle and pump every 3 hours around the clock), my inability to comfort Hans easily, my inability to teach Ruth or determine the help she needs, my inability to be all things for all my children and feeling as though I’m placing too much burden on Maggie and Carrie because I cannot do everything.

Trent has been even more wonderful than ever. He’s been helpful through the nights with Mary, he’s encouraged me, gone above and beyond to help with the kids, meals, and housework, and loved me well. Our friends and church family have provided more meals and for a longer time than ever before. 

I came very close to giving up with breastfeeding. It’s always been a beautiful bonding experience for me, and while not all of my kids were easy to nurse, I didn’t have near the difficulty as I have this time. One night, with tears pouring down my cheeks, Mary screaming and not latching I wanted to push her away. I felt an emotional severing and in that moment didn’t even want to hold her. Even in that emotional moment I had a feeling this would make or break our future, that it would set the course for our success or failure together. And so I prayed. I prayed that the Lord would allow us to draw close, that I would pull her close and we would lean into this challenge together. 

That was less than a week ago. Since then our feedings have gotten progressively better; she’s latching quicker and more consistently. I don’t think I’ve cried since then. I’m so thankful I didn’t give up. 

I think our snuggles feel a little sweeter since having this success together. 

Happy one month, Mary Jubilee. I love you!

*At 5 weeks Mary weighs 6 pounds 4.5 ounces and is 20.5” long. As she was only 5 lb, 6 oz when she was discharged from the hospital the doctor was happy with her gain. She grew 1.5 inches from her birth length.