In the Crushing

The song “New Wine” by Hillsong Worship has become my anthem since coming home from China one month ago with Heidi. The first verse says this:

“In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making new wine
In the soil I now surrender
You are breaking new ground”

When I sit to write all the seemingly unfortunate events of the past month it’s nearly incomprehensible. 

All three of our toilets clogged. 

In the crushing

One of them overflowed gallons of water onto the bathroom floor. 

In the pressing

Our shower developed a crack and leaked water into the garage. 

In the crushing

Our refrigerator died and we were without one in the house for nearly 2 weeks. 

In the pressing

Our Suburban (read: main vehicle for our family) went in for inspection and required extra work, leaving me without a vehicle when I had an appointment to make. 

In the crushing

One day after getting the Suburban back we had our first night at Trent’s parents house. When we went to leave with a sick Heidi it wouldn’t start. 

In the pressing

We have had at least two doctor/dentist/eye appointments every week since we came home (not all for Heidi). 

In the crushing

Our dog got fleas. 

In the pressing

Three of our girls (Abbey, Ruthie, and Carrie) caught a nasty cold. 

In the crushing

Heidi got pneumonia. 

In the pressing

And an ear infection. 

In the crushing

We are attempting to maintain homeschool for five children, two Kindergarteners, two sixth graders, and one third grader. 

In the pressing

The song doesn’t stop with the crushing and pressing my friends, and neither does this story. 

“So I yield to You and to Your careful hand
When I trust You I don’t need to understand”

But God, in his goodness, sometimes gives us glimpses of his love to ease the burden when we don’t understand. 

Yes, the toilets clogged and overflowed. But we have indoor plumbing. And they didn’t all clog at the same time. 

Yes, our shower cracked and leaked. But Trent was able to plumber putty it closed until such a time as we can replace the shower. And it was the shower above the garage and not the shower over the school room. 

Yes, our refrigerator died on us. But we had purchased an inexpensive refrigerator to keep in the garage for the overflow of cold items that comes with a large family. We were able to use this “gridge” for the 2 weeks it took for our new one to come. AND, perhaps the biggest blessing is that the fridge didn’t die while we were in China, leaving that burden to my niece and in-laws. 

Yes, the Suburban took some extra work. But my niece planned to visit with my girls that day so I was able to borrow her car and still make my appointment.  

Yes, the Suburban wouldn’t start when we wanted to leave Trent’s parents’ house. But at least it didn’t happen when I was out somewhere with sick children or on the side of the road somewhere. And we have AAA so the next morning within an hour of calling there was a young man at our house to replace the battery so I could take Heidi to the doctor. 

Yes, Heidi has pneumonia and an ear infection. But she has a daddy to hold her, a mama to rock her to sleep and comfort her. She has a doctor who can see her quickly and a nurse who can empathize and give me encouragement. She is no longer an orphan. 

Children who aren’t given love and nurturing from birth can struggle to form healthy attachments. Heidi’s illness is allowing her to trust in us and build a bond that is necessary to come through life successfully. 

I haven’t found anything good about the dog getting fleas. Although it has made me wash every pillow and blanket and vacuum thoroughly. Even though it’s not how I want to spend my time, perhaps it was needed and this forced me to do it.  

Yes, the homeschool has been difficult. But this has led us to consider something different for next year that we would not have otherwise. And who knows but that it could be the best thing for the girls in their future. 

God’s hand is careful with us. And yet sometimes we need to be pressed and crushed to turn us into a better version of ourselves. A more faithful Emily. A more trusting Emily. A more humble Emily. A more compassionate Emily. 

The chorus of the song says : 

“Make me Your vessel
Make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing
But all You have given me
Jesus bring new wine out of me”

I came to the Lord 15 years ago with nothing but my heart to give. If this crushing and pressing is what is required for Jesus to bring new wine out of me, then I submit. 

And through all of these seemingly unending chaotic challenges of the past month I can say to you truly and wholeheartedly; God is good. 

A Month of Miracles: Heidi’s first month home

One month home with Heidi Grace! 

This month has been nothing short of miraculous. Before we brought Heidi home we had been given a laundry list of possible diagnoses. A full three pages typed, single spaced of conditions, syndromes and scenarios. 

Yet we still felt God calling us to her; to parent a vulnerable child regardless of our fears. 

This month has been completely exhausting, hard, and beautiful. 

Heidi has learned to be less and less afraid everyday. She learned to sit in a high chair. First without a bib or tray as they scared her. But soon she was sitting up strong with both bib and tray. A miracle from the screaming child we first attempted to feed in China. 

She loved the swing right away!

The three amigos! These three have the best times together. 

Heidi’s first week home included tagging along to Ruth’s ENT appointment, her own appointment with our family doctor, and a stop at the Solanco fair to see her sister’s show their lambs. She had a pretty big set back after going to the fair (lots of crying) so we tried to stick close to home in the following three weeks. 

Heidi visited the dentist 10 days after coming home and was officially diagnosed with gingivitis. The way to heal that was by brushing her teeth and allowing her gums to bleed. Exactly one week later her gums bled for the last time. A few days after her gums stopped bleeding she smiled when I brushed her teeth. Another miracle for Heidi. 

I had the immeasurable joy of being able to rock her to sleep for the first time. What a privilege to have earned her trust. 

She loves the sunshine and beautiful weather. A sure way to cheer her up is to take her outside. 

Two weeks of being home we noticed that Heidi started to “wake up” or come alive to the world around her. This excited face is when she noticed our chickens for the first time and thought they were the funniest things she has ever seen. 

She’s learning that baths are pretty great and her big sisters are funny. 

I love the expressions on their faces. 

Heidi had her first visit with the eye doctor on October 1 and ran the gambit of emotions. Her original paperwork mentioned ROP (retinopathy of premature infants). Her eyes are completely healed! Another miracle for Heidi! She is nearsighted and will need glasses in the near future but she wasn’t fully cooperative and the doctor didn’t think her vision was so poor that we needed to push it. Instead we will revisit them in 4 months and will likely receive her glasses at that time. 

Sad from the dilating drops. 

Happy from selfie mode. 

Irritated by these sunglasses. 

How she felt about me for putting her through the eye exam. 

She was extraordinarily happy to come home to her sisters. 

On October 2 Heidi had her assessment with the IU 13’s birth to three program. It was discouraging to see just how low she scored on everything. We made a plan and picked her two weakest areas to focus on. One is her inability to suck and chew. The second is her lack of interest in toys and her inability to pick toys up or play with them. Since she scored at the level of an infant we realized we need to meet her where she’s at. She can’t bang two toys together if she can’t even pick up a toy. 

A couple friends filled in the gap to provide some baby toys that we didn’t have. 

In just a couple of days we were seeing more miracles unfold. 

We began ending her lunches and dinners with a spoonful of whipped cream for her to touch and put into her mouth. The first time she cried when I put it on her hand. The second time she didn’t cry but was very unsure. After just a few days she began touching it on her own and sucking the cool whip off her fingers. 

Here she’s examining her hands. 

Success! This may not seem like much but for a child who was previously force fed this is enormous progress. She is learning that food is fun and tastes good, too. She’s learning that her hands can be used as tools to feed herself. These are all things she should have learned but never did. Again, we can’t build on what isn’t there so we are providing her with the support she needs to make improvements. 

Heidi learned to blow kisses (in her own way) on October 5. What a treat when I put her to bed and blew her three kisses to receive  those back. 

Our biggest miracle came on October 10. She noticed a maraca in the living room. She crawled over to it. She picked it up and shook it for about 30 seconds. She transferred it from her right to left hand. She shook it for another few seconds before dropping it. A goal we had made just 8 days before was that she would notice toys and play with them appropriately. Only eight days and before receiving any therapy she is starting to meet goals! 

On that same day she picked up a different toy and put it in her mouth. I know most parents are wanting to discourage this behavior around her age but since she previously wouldn’t allow anything in her mouth but a spoon and the fact that this is very “normal” behavior, you better believe we celebrated and cheered. 

Heidi is the best sleeper (praise Jesus!). She goes to bed around 8 pm and wakes up at 8 am. She naps from about 2-5 pm. She doesn’t appreciate being woken up early from her naps. She was initially taking a morning rest from 10-11 but we stopped that this past week as she was no longer seeming overwhelmed from the stimulation. 

We have done more “cocooning” with Heidi than we did with Ruthie. Since Heidi had so many caretakers previously we needed to establish who mom and dad and siblings are before allowing her to be held by other people. Today, at one month home we went to pizza Sunday at my moms house for the first time. Heidi and my mom hit it off. It brought me so much joy to watch Heidi mimic my mom (another new skill!!) and laugh and laugh and laugh. I don’t know that I’ve ever heard her laugh as hard as she did when she was playing with my mom. It was so beautiful. 

She also thought her cousin Emma’s sweatshirt was fun to pull on the strings. Again! Using her hands in a way she couldn’t one month ago. 

We’re excited to see what this next month holds for Heidi the Brave. We are so thankful she doesn’t have to be brave alone anymore. So many of her self-soothing and concerning behaviors that we saw in China are almost nonexistent after just one month home. We are looking forward to venturing out a tiny bit more and reestablishing our routine visits with Trent’s parents and my mom. I’m hopeful that this month will involve fewer doctor appointments and more days at home. 

I’m so grateful for all the love and support you all have shown us. All I can really say is that God is good. 

Enjoy some sweet Heidi photos and be amazed at what love can do. 

Happy one month home, Heidi Grace!

Heidi’s First Appointment

Lots of you have reached out to ask how Heidi is doing with her feedings. I’m happy to say that her teeth and gums look much better than they did while we were in China. I believe the amoxicillin helped and her gums have not bled at all for over a week. 

She has significant build up on her teeth and from what I can tell likely a cavity or two, but definitely not as bad as what I first thought. She sees the dentist next week and they will likely recommend an oral surgeon who will put her to sleep for a full cleaning and repair so as to help alleviate further trauma. 

We have made so much progress with her eating since the first day we met. She went from screaming when she saw food to now sitting up in a high chair, with the tray on and a bib on and opening her mouth willingly to accept food. She is currently only eating baby food (sweet potatoes, peas, prunes, apples, etc). She is drinking still only from the spoon bottle. 

Today Heidi had her first doctor appointment with our primary care physician. Zoey came to hang out with the rest of the girls so I could focus solely on Heidi. If you don’t have a Zoey in your life, you need to get one. She’s amazing. 

I brought a whole list of concerns with me to the doctor. Some of these were things the doctor at CHOP had mentioned as concerns and some were from her previous medical records and some were my own observations on the short time she’s been my daughter. 

One by one we went through the list. There were initially concerns about her liver but that seems to be all cleared up based on her physical exam. I had a worry about her ribs as they slant in midway down her chest but our doctor wasn’t concerned about this. She had a PFO (small hole in her heart-very common with premature babies) that our doctor could not detect. 

Heidi does a lot of strange things with her hands and they often seem uncoordinated and weak. I had some initial thoughts that maybe this was a neurological disorder. While it’s not impossible, our doctor felt this was likely a couple of things. One, lack of opportunity in the orphanage setting. And two, she had a brain bleed sometime as a premature infant. He explained that sometimes these brain bleeds cause delays but that the brain is amazing and can heal. He was confident that with physical therapy she will catch up. 

Another concern I had was that her left eye occasionally drifts inward. He noticed that her eyelid is also a little droopy on that side. Sometimes this happens to babies born premature. He did recommend seeing a pediatric ophthalmologist. Thankfully I have prior experience with this as Abbey was seen by one at about 14 months old. 

The doctor at CHOP mentioned multiple times the possibility that Heidi has autism. She does do some things that are signs of autism but they are also very common orphanage behaviors and self-soothing behaviors. Most notably, Heidi often stares at her hands.

 However, she is very interested in people. She makes great eye contact. She engages with people and is usually curious about what is going on around her. She laughs, smiles, and plays peek-a-boo. She cries when she needs something. 

(She’s mastered the “mean mug”) 

The overall take on Heidi is this: she is (medically speaking) healthy; and with love, a family, and therapy she will in all likelihood catch up. This is literally the best case scenario prognosis we were given. While it remains to be seen where she will be cognitively, we have tremendous hope for our sweet girl. 

She does have a lot of fears. She was handled roughly in the orphanage and will often blink rapidly, flinch and cry when something happens. This was especially bad in China when I would get her dressed or undressed. The act of putting something over her head terrified her. With gentleness and patience this no longer makes her afraid. The same with the high chair. She used to cry being sat in the chair and we had to gradually add on new things (bib and tray) but she doesn’t cry or flinch at this anymore. 

Friends, you get to join us in watching Heidi blossom. Enjoy watching miracles unfold in the life of Heidi Grace. 

I Literally Can’t

Yesterday I had a hard day.

I don’t do well when I’m tired. I am cranky, impatient, noise bothers me, irritable, short tempered, and can be downright unpleasant. Basically I become a hungry toddler. 

The morning started with smiles and sweetness. 

But I was cranky. I was impatient when one of the girls didn’t understand a school concept (probably not my brightest idea to start school while jet lagged). I was irritated when my 4 and 5 year olds were chattering non-stop (truthfully, not any different from any other day). I was short tempered when my 10 year old threw a fit about school. And I was unpleasant when I yelled at her. 

All my spinning plates came crashing down and I started to wonder, “what was I thinking? I can’t handle six children.” One of my girls was crying that I don’t care about her, I only care about the little girls. 

I can’t meet the needs of all my kids at the same time. 

I literally can’t. 

And in my time-out moment lying on my bed I felt God whisper to my heart, “but I can.”  

Even if I could meet every physical and emotional need of all of my children at every moment I would still be unable to meet their spiritual needs because I am not God. You see, I’ve dealt for a long time with my pride. And just when I think I’ve gotten good at not being proud God blesses me with another child and I realize that I have very much been depending on myself and not on God. 

While it was a hard lesson to learn it felt like a breakthrough for me. I talked to my crying 10 year old and told her how much I love her, even when it may feel like I don’t. I apologized. I led her back to seek Jesus on her own. We prayed together. 

The rest of the day was better. And I went to bed early and woke up late and my own attitude is much improved. 

Heidi has a doctor appointment tomorrow so I’ll plan to give a big Heidi update then. 

But, I’m so happy to say that, medical/trauma/adoption issues aside, the six sisters are doing great. 

Heidi feels like she’s always been here. I had high hopes for how Ruthie would do, giving up her spot as “baby”. In typical Ruth fashion she took it all in stride, because, obviously, she’s big. She is loving her role as the big sister. She will sit on the floor with Heidi and Heidi will climb all over her. Ruth said, “Heidi thinks I’m a mountain!” Ha-ha!

Carrie likes to help her stand. She’s been a big sister for awhile but it’s so special to have a tiny sister. 

Maggie likes to show her how to play with toys. 

Abbey is happy that she’s big enough to hold and carry Heidi. 

And Anne. Bless her. Anne is like another mama to Heidi. She is my extra set of arms when I need to clean up the kitchen or fold laundry or do anything where I can’t hold Heidi. 

Honestly, Heidi has had a difficult start to life. But God. He saw fit to place her in a family with five big sisters. There are always arms ready to hold her, sisters to play, a mama to rock her, a daddy to swing her high. 

So for every tough day we have along the way, I keep in mind the alternative of my baby growing up in an orphanage. I’ll take my tough days and thank the Lord for carrying me through and thank my friends and family for lifting us up. 

Traveling + First day Home

We left our hotel at 7 am on Friday, September 13, 2019.

(Awkward mirror selfie: but gooooodbye hotel life)

Heidi ate a good breakfast but when we got to the airport in Guangzhou she was fussy. 

Fussy as in screaming and shrieking. 

Trent really did the lion’s share of walking her around (away from people) to help calm her down. 

He even grabbed me a coffee. 

Once I woke up a little I helped, too. 

Me, doing what I do best: falling asleep whenever we start moving. My parents tell me I was a fussy baby until they put me into a swing bed. Even at 34 I still fall asleep easily in the car and apparently on planes. This was a short 40 minute flight from Guangzhou to Hong Kong. 

We had a long, long layover in Hong Kong. A little over 6 hours to kill with a 1-year-old. Not my favorite way to pass the time. 

Heidi did remarkably well. We gave her a bottle of milk. She ate some food. 

She stood around looking sweet. 

I walked her around and around and around the terminal until she fell asleep. 

Her daddy fell asleep also. 

She took a step all alone. She’ll be walking before we know it!

She did lots of happy crawling also. She made lots of people smile. 

Finally it was time to board our plane. We fed her right before we got on the plane. When the stewardess came around to ask if we wanted drinks we got some milk for Heidi. She drank a big cup of milk (slowly from the bottle) then she slowly drifted off to sleep in my arms. She slept in my arms for about 2 hours (after being awake for 3). I gave her to Trent and she slept another 5 hours in his arms. 

She woke up slowly but once she was awake she was very happy. The sad thing was we still had another 5 hours to go....

Something was funny. 

It was poop. Poop is funny. She actually stood on Trents lap like this, staring him in the eyes while she pooped. It was humorous. 

We passed her back and forth trying to keep her entertained the rest of the flight. She did remarkably well. We know so many of you were praying and we certainly felt that God was answering you all with grace and kindness to us and the fellow travelers. 

We arrived in Newark, New Jersey a little after 10 pm on Friday, September 13, 2019! Going through immigration was fine except we got put into the slowest line there was. We finally decided to switch lines and got through much more quickly. Then we had to go through the immigration department to give our passports and Heidi’s documents. She became a US citizen upon stepping onto American ground. 

We worked hard for her citizenship. 

We really don’t take for granted the freedoms we have in America and are so thankful to extend them to our daughter. 

My sister, Stacy and my mom picked us up from the airport. It was a little over 2 hours to get home so it was nearly 2 am when we finally got home. Heidi did well for her first time in a car seat. She cried at first but once we started driving she was fine. 

I was so happy to eat a piece of pizza. I came home to a very clean house thanks to my mom. Pretty sure I should just hire her to do my cleaning that I never do. 

Heidi was very interested in Petey. 

Poor Petey was just trying to get away from her but was quite patient for a 13-year-old dog. We weren’t sure how Heidi would do, but she went to sleep well. We ended up waking her up around 7:30 am so as to try to help her work through the jet lag and get on a regular schedule. 

Anne was so pleased Heidi seemed to warm up to her pretty quickly. 

Getting a photo with all the girls looking in the same direction with their eyes open and smiling is even more difficult than it used to be....

Ruth was pretty unhappy with the idea of a group photo. Abbey was thrilled because she got to hold Heidi. 

Ruthie was much happier to get a photo with just her little sister. They are pretty sweet together. Ruth said she loved being a big sister. 

We had some chain reaction tears at breakfast. Carrie took a sip of her tea while it was still too hot. She sloshed a little and it hurt so she cried and came to my lap. Then Ruth started crying because she missed us. Then Heidi started her scream/cry because everyone else was crying. It made the bigger girls get control of themselves more quickly because they wanted Heidi to stop crying. The older three were I think amazed and the sheer volume their younger sisters can produce. 

Zoey did a little grocery shopping for us and then she left to go back home. We are so thankful for all the work she put into caring for the girls while we were gone. 

We turned on a movie and Heidi got to know her sisters. 

Crawling in for a closer look. 

She approved of Maggie and gave her a little head bump to show her love. 

She’s already got the best cheering section. 

She did get quite overwhelmed and overstimulated at one point. We laid her down in her crib for 15 minutes and then she was ready to go again. She definitely isn’t used to constant attention like she has now and it can be a little stressful. We found removing her for a short time from the room is very helpful for her. Obviously we don’t isolate her but for brief periods it has seemed to work well to give her a short break. She was fine the rest of the day.  

We gave her a nap just after 1 pm and had to wake her up at 4:30. 

Sleepy baby. 

Trent and I are tired as well. I laid down for a short time in the afternoon but didn’t want to sleep too long. 

We were so grateful to Pat and Lori Ward from our church who brought us a meal tonight. It was such a blessing not to need to think about a meal. 

After dinner I was washing clothes and putting away laundry from our trip. The third trip up the stairs I was feeling so exhausted. I plopped down on the bed and immediately fell asleep. The girls woke me when it was time for baths and showers. 

Heidi seemed to like her bath. She’s asleep now, hopefully for a long night’s sleep. 

I’m falling asleep typing this so I hope it is coherent. 

We are so thankful to be home. Just living each moment full of gratitude.