Fear

One thing I have learned as I walk with the Lord and that He does all things well, and He has a purpose. Yesterday we were told that we will probably have to leave this house I love when our lease is completed in February. I went through a wide range of emotions in a very short time; anger, bitterness, resentment, annoyance, fear, and sadness. I had myself a good cry.

Yet through it I was seeking God. We were so sure that God wanted us here, in this house, for a reason. We thought that reason was so that we would have the space for more children, for foster care. Our homestudy was June 5, and we were approved, except that our well water was full of bacteria. The next step we needed to complete was to get that taken care of, and what we learned was that a UV light was the way to do it. We had Martin's Appliance & Water Conditioning come out Friday to give us an estimate. And we thought we would be on our way to more children within a couple of weeks. Then Saturday we received this news that throws a wrench into our plans.

As I was praying last night and was trying to find the purpose in all of this (what I consider to be a mess!) a new thought hit me. Soon after we moved here, to my old home, I began having bad dreams; nightmares, really. The dreams always revolved around the same theme; that I will be left alone. The dreams varied between Trent leaving me for another woman to Trent getting cancer and dying. Sometimes I would have these dreams multiple times a week. Sometimes I would tell Trent, and other times it felt too painful so I would keep them to myself.

A couple weeks ago I started to write a post on fear, and how I have this terrible fear that something bad is going to happen in my marriage (as in Trent leaving me or Trent dying). I couldn't find the words to put together what I wanted to say, but I'm going to try now. I want to try to be fair to the people who may find themselves in my story, but they are a piece of my story and have shaped who I have become.

As long as I can remember my parents had a rocky marriage. Small disagreements or arguments, a look of annoyance or disgust. I thought that was what marriage was. Some years were more difficult than others. I remember after one particularly heated argument when I was in about 7th grade I shouted at my parents, "Why don't you guys just get divorced!" (I was sent to my room in tears after this outburst of disrespectful behavior.) Everything came to a head when I started my second year of college. I got a phone call from my sister saying mom and dad were going to be separating. Although I saw it coming for years, I was crushed.

Anyone who is going through or has gone through a divorce where children are involved and says, "The kids are doing fine" lies. They may not know they are lying, but they are. For years I've always "seemed okay" and thought I was fine, yet here I am, more than seven years after my parents separated and I'm having nightmares about my husband leaving me. {Just a side note: Trent and I are extremely happy in our marriage!! These are just my fears that I have never dealt with!}

I firmly believe that these bad dreams have been an attack of Satan on me, and on our marriage. Satan would like nothing better than to ruin a wonderful marriage that glorifies God. Thankfully I have God on my side, and He is much stronger than the evil one. Trent has been praying for me and the dreams have stopped.

So how did I get to this point? Well, I believe that one of the reasons we came back to my childhood home is so that I could realize and deal with these fears, so that our marriage can be stronger. I still don't know what it means in regards to foster care, or where we will go when our lease is up, but I am putting my hope and trust in the Lord. We didn't expect to have this house, yet here we are. Sure, we'll be moving again, but God will have something else for us. In the meantime, I intend to take this time to strengthen my marriage, to grow closer to the Lord, to love on my children and show them the beauty of God's creation.

Would you pray for us? I don't think we can ever go wrong in asking for wisdom, and that is certainly what we need now. Thank you friends & family.