Truth

I have tried to be very transparent here about how life is for us now as foster parents. I am learning quite a bit about life and about myself.

Life is hard for a lot of people. Up until now, I knew that in my head, but never truly experienced it. After having conversations with "mom" I am realizing just how difficult things can be for many people and it has made it real to me.

I'm learning about myself. I am learning that although I thought I always loved children, I have always loved out of my own love, and not the Love of God. The love that comes from God is rich and pure, measureless and strong. The love that comes from Emily is conditional, it grows weary, it is weak, it fails, it is full of holes.

I've never had to pray to ask God to help me love one of my children. Even when they were wearing on my patience or not sleeping well I had a deep, innate, fierce love for my girls. My feelings are not the same for our foster daughter. She wears on my patience, she exhausts me, she doesn't obey, she doesn't sleep well, she is mean, she is manipulative, she doesn't sit still, she doesn't stop making noise. These things may not seem like a big deal to you. I'm sure if I were reading this, I would think "Well, she's just a child! She has gone through a traumatic experience." And these words are true. I heard someone describe foster children as "the annoying neighbor kid who doesn't ever leave." And if you have never taken in foster children this probably sounds cruel, but that's how I feel a lot of the time.

The other night Anne told me she saw a string in my hair. When she went to get it out she realized it was attached to my head. Yes, I have gray hairs now. Several of them. I hope that whenever our foster children go back home to their mother that I will be able to seek God's face with more passion and time than I do currently. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to find some reason for why we are living the way we are living, if the stress, the gray hairs, the impatience has done any good. Maybe I'll never know.

Oh, and for anyone who has ever heard that foster parents are in it for the money -- trust me -- they aren't. The pay stinks and the work is hard. I could make more money babysitting and I wouldn't have the responsibilities I do as a foster mom.

And all of that to say, if our foster kids were to leave tomorrow, we would miss them terribly. It's a bizarre pull of emotions. Plus - that babykins is just so sweet.