Journey to Perfection

Two encounters this past week led to this blog. One from a person asking me to write more often, and another who (I think secretly) believes I/my life, is perfect. And, to be quite honest, I don't think this "friend" likes me very much.

Of course, none of us is perfect. I remember that when I was in middle school and I was so confused about who I was and my life, that I truly believed a classmate of mine was absolutely perfect, and that her FAMILY was perfect. This was so painful to me because I felt like my family was falling apart. I made a comment to this classmate about her "perfect life" and (much to my surprise) she set me straight and told me of the past struggles of her family, of a death of an infant sibling and several other things that were far, far from perfect. I was shocked. To me this family looked like a picture of perfection, and in some ways, they seemed even more unreal when they were honest about their struggles.

Each of us has a story to tell. Some might be a little more "mundane" than others. Some may feel like a constant battle with more downs than ups. But here's the thing: each of us are on a journey. It is up to us to choose where we go. Of course, there are factors that we cannot control such as divorce of parents, abuse, illness, etc. BUT, it is up to us how we overcome and walk through these negative influences in our lives.

Do you guys remember those "choose your own adventure" books? I used to love those in maybe third grade. But did you ever get to the end of your adventure and realize that you didn't like one of the choices you made somewhere along the line because you didn't like the ending that you chose? But when you tried to go back you couldn't figure out exactly where you made the mistake, because of course, there were many many little choices that ultimately led you to your ending.

Maybe that is a poor illustration of what I'm trying to say, but it makes sense to me.

I think often I choose not to share my story because I am too prideful. Also, I try to be careful not to make others look bad, especially on the internet. So in an attempt to shed some light on how I came to be the "perfect" (ha!) person I am now, I will share a portion of my journey.

As I have mentioned before, things were difficult in my home growing up. Each of my siblings would probably share their story differently, as each of us were different ages as we went through these things, and they would have interpreted situations differently than I did. But I cannot share for my siblings, so I will share for myself.

When I was in sixth grade I "fell in" with a bad crowd. Of course, this was a choice that I made, along with a series of other poor choices I made that year, like swearing (a lot), being disrespectful and kissing a boy. Each of those choices led to other things that I cannot change but am not proud of.

I was baptized at church that year. Not because I really felt, or believed what I was professing to believe, but because my friends were and I didn't want to have to go through the class alone in the next few years or whenever I thought I believed in the Lord as my Savior.

In seventh grade my mom made the decision to take me out of public school and put me in private school. At the time I absolutely hated her for this. But looking back (even though I still made bad choices), it was definitely for the best and I am extremely grateful for the sacrifices she made to pay for my education and essentially, the better influence of peers.

Also in seventh grade I was accused of doing something that I did not do. One of my parents lied to the other to cover up their own sin, and blamed it on me. This was so detrimental to my self-esteem, my joy, and my life. I couldn't believe that my own parent would say something like that about me. The little respect that I had for adults was now almost completely diminished. While I still kept good grades, I was, for lack of a better word, a jerk to all my teachers. Because in my mind, who knows what disgusting things they are also capable of? All of my report cards showed "needs improvement" in the "Respect" category.

Most of my confusion came out in the aforementioned lack of respect, talking out in class, and joking. Always, always joking. Because if you are laughing and joking, you can't be hurting. At least that is what I told myself for many many years.

And boys. There were always boys. I never felt secure in who I was unless I had a boyfriend. And of course, boyfriends led to many other poor choices. 

Now that I'm a mom and have read lots of "Raising Daughters" books I know the psychology behind this. Dads are so extremely important in their daughter's lives. I have always thought Trent was a great dad, but especially after reading these books I realized how essential he is to the girls, and he was already doing the "right" things to help raise strong daughters.

I think that is all for today. Perhaps another day I can let go of my pride even more and share again.In the meantime, enjoy this adorable picture of the girls!