Nine Months Home with Heidi

Heidi, sweet Heidi. Another month home. Another month full of miracles and challenges. 

Heidi chomped some peanuts, goldfish and other crunchy things this month!

She made the “vvv” sound which was new for her. 

(She likes when daddy takes her on wagon rides to the animals and really is interested in what Chili Pepper the pig is up to!) 

We have been working a lot on sign language and she’s mostly resistant as she still struggles to use her hands. However, she loves little hand games and when she wanted us to do “round and round the garden” she moves her hand in a circle. She even tickled her own armpit and laughed hilariously. 

She signed water in her own way (tapped one finger to her mouth). She also signed more and jump. She has only done these things upon request and after we’ve just shown them to her, and when we’re withholding what she wants. For example: she loves for me to jump her on the bed and I wouldn’t bounce her again until she showed me “jump”. She is, after all, a 2-year-old and can be quite stubborn! I was very surprised after breakfast one morning when Caroline said, “Heidi, are you all done?” And she signed “all done” without Caroline doing the sign. 

I believe there is a lot of processing going on in her little brain and sometimes she is slow to react or respond. But not always! If you tell her “no” she’s quick to throw herself on the ground and kick her feet in a fit, or give you a side eye, or growl in her anger. 

(That side eye!!)

She is (usually) good about instantly repeating “mama” and “dada”. One disappointing thing from this month is that she has seemed to lose a lot of words. Other than our names she has never kept a word for more than a week. She sometimes will repeat a word she hears, such as cheese, doll, etc but she can’t get the word again if asked. She did have “baby” for about a week, but she can no longer say it. 

We tried several sensory things this month that have mostly been fails in Heidi’s book. She hates the baby pool. She despised finger painting. She was angry about shaving cream play. And yet. If she can come back to the activity on her own terms she will engage to a small degree. After she freaked out about the finger paint and she calmed down she did eventually pick up a paintbrush and wave it around. She also picked up the can of shaving cream to shake and throw. She didn’t cry when a small amount got on her hand. 

(Hated it)

(Hated it)

(Hated it! She was so mad at me for this she wouldn’t even look at me for 5 minutes.)

I have started work to desensitize her face to wearing glasses as she will likely get them in August at her appointment. Since she loves to swing I put the glasses on her. At first she threw them off but eventually she left them on for several minutes of swinging. 

(Throwing them off)

(Now the coolest little chick!)

We had some good and bad days with eating also. She fed herself the ice cream cone while holding it herself but only one lick, then handed it back to me. But she did it several times. She was picking food up with her fingers. The one meal she fed herself a whole piece of toast that was cut into small pieces! She fed herself bites of a sandwich, a plate of noodles, popcorn, a chicken nugget bite, and more. Most of the time I gently tap her hand to remind her to pick up what’s on her tray and she does it. She has been doing well with the spoon as well. I can usually get her to feed herself 10 bites per meal which is a big accomplishment for her. And actually, sometimes she does better for Trent than for me. Another daddy’s girl, go figure! 

We have had many bad evening meals and we’re trying to find a solution. We’ve been swinging her before dinner and for awhile that seemed to help. Unfortunately, that stopped working and she would be in her chair for a minute and start crying. She would go to her room to help calm her and then she would usually be okay after that. We tried putting her in her room before even going to the table and that sort of worked. It usually isn’t a problem at any other meal, just dinner. I do think it could be too loud at dinner with everyone trying to talk about their day at once. Tonight we had everyone talk more quietly and that actually seemed like to help. So, if it continues to work it looks like I’ll come out a winner with quieter meals, too!

(She loved all of Brandon’s tattoos!)

For a few weeks we worked on pointing to eyes. She didn’t seem to get it until baby Cai was here and she automatically pointed to his beautiful brown eyes. She also pointed to my eyes! 

(Heidi & Cai! The cutest babies!!)

She learned how to high-5 in one day. Normally it takes us weeks to teach her a new thing so the fact that she got it and kept the understanding amazed all of us! 

(She started liking our neighbor boy and he is SO proud. It’s kind of one of the sweetest things to see a new side of him that Heidi brings out!)

She mimicked saying “ahhh!” After taking a refreshing drink of cold water. 

(Obviously Heidi loves her cousin, Zoey!)

(And Emma) 

We would like to see continued growth in her ability to communicate with us. She doesn’t typically initiate her desires in a way that is understandable to most people. We know if she’s at the back door crying she wants to go outside to swing. We added a photo of Heidi in a swing to the door and point to it and say, “Does Heidi want to swing?” And take her out. The hope is that she will eventually take us to the photo to show us she wants to swing. I’m planning to add several other pictures around the house to help her learn to communicate her wants/needs. 

It really does seem like Heidi is understanding us more everyday. She is loving, affectionate, and so very silly. She still has the most contagious laugh I’ve ever heard. She has a light in her eyes and joy in her heart. Heidi is a bit like unlocking a treasure. Each time we think we’ve got it she surprises us with a new complication. Yet each portion that is revealed brings deep joy to all of us. 

Heidi continues to be our brave girl. We’re forever grateful that she no longer has to be brave alone; we’re here to fight for her and with her and cheer her on endlessly. We’re the lucky ones to have her in our lives. 

Happy 9 months home, Heidi! We love you! 

Interracial Family & Parenting

It is a rare, perhaps unheard of, individual who does not make decisions based on their own personal (or to use a woke-term, “lived”) experience. The current trend is full of individuals attempting to be kind, compassionate, understanding of humans who have had different experiences from our own. This is admirable. However, I believe we need to strike a balance between the two to come to a healthy conclusion.

I'm sure it is clear to you that I am talking about the recent tragedy of the police officer in Minneapolis who killed the man he apprehended, George Floyd, and suddenly we're flung hundreds of years back into a racially divided history.

Before I continue I would like to explain my own personal experience. I am a white female who grew up relatively poor as a young child, then my family moved us into a more comfortable financial situation when I was a teen. Neither of my parents went to college. My uncle (mom's brother) is black. His first wife and my cousins are black. My brother-in-law is Puerto Rican. The high school I attended was fairly diverse. I truly believed I had achieved MLK's dream of judging by the content of character rather than the color of skin.

I received a scholarship to an HBCU (Historically Black College/University) in Jackson, Mississippi. I would spend two years living in the deep south. During freshman orientation a motivational speaker claimed from the podium that “your ancestors were slaves and now you have the chance to rise above the man”. Talk about uncomfortable as one of the only white people sitting there. I experienced, for the first time, people hating me for the color of my skin (something we are told does not happen to white people). I had people I thought were my friends tell me, “You're getting too comfortable with us.” I had a classmate claim I was there to “steal their good men,” while I sat, red-faced and silent in a US History class as the only white person in a class of 50 black people. Ironically, it was one of those good guys who stood up for me, telling her that “you know you'd be out of here in a minute for a rich white guy”. I saw black people viciously attack other black people for “talking white” when they didn't use prodigious amounts of (ebonics) slang. I saw black people shaming other black people for being “too dark”. My eyes were opened in a new way to the racial disparity and the very real racism that is still alive, and strong in the south.

The people it was most difficult for me to make friends with were the ones who grew up in Jackson. Others were easier to make friends with because they had, in their personal histories, positive interactions with white people. These were also most likely the people accused of talking white.

Do I think there is racism still in America? Absolutely. I lived it, after all. Do I think George Floyd was murdered? Absolutely. Do I think people are colorblind? Absolutely not. Do I think we should focus more on our skin color. No.

We have been an interracial family for three years now with our daughters adopted from China. Previously we were an interracial family when we fostered two black children. I do not write or speak much about our foster children because they are no longer my children and their story is no longer part of mine (other than watching them grow from a social media distance which I'm tremendously grateful for). So while I could share from the time they lived with us, I will not.

“Man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

Ruth obviously knows she looks different from the rest of our family. She even looks different from Heidi, our other daughter adopted from China. With summer's first rays, Ruth tans to a glorious, smooth brown. Heidi, on the other hand, is whiter than everyone else in the family. Ruth has silky, black hair, while the rest of us are a range of shades from blonde to brown and everything between. Her best friend and sister, Caroline, is tall (at least in our family of short people) and has blonde curly hair. As for their outward appearances, they couldn't be more different.

Yet, they came to me the other morning dressed alike and noted how no one would be able to tell them apart, because they're the same. Caroline said people would know it's her because she has earrings and Ruth doesn't. 

Why, would two intelligent girls act like they were so similar in looks that people can't tell them apart? I submit to you that it is because their hearts are so in tune with one another that that is how they see themselves. Ruth has gone through periods of time where she is sad and frustrated that she doesn't have curly hair like Caroline. But Caroline reminds her that her hair is nice, too, and as a bonus, it doesn't get any tangles.

So how do I parent my interracial family? I attempt to raise my children in a similar way I was raised: we judge people on their character, not their physical appearance. While we discuss the similarities and differences in our outward appearances, it is not the focus of our lives. My personal belief, based on my own experience, is that when the outward experience is focused on too heavily (such as in the south) it does nothing to ease racial tension, in fact, it appears to exacerbate the situation.

Will my children face unkind remarks because they are Chinese? Most likely at some point in their lives. Did I face unkind and hurtful remarks from my physical flaws and outward appearance? Yes. And sometimes these were comments made by adults who should know better.

But here's the thing. At the end of the day I'm raising my children and growing myself to be a better Christian.

Galatians 3:28 says it best; “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

Obviously there are Jews and Gentiles and male and females and sadly in some parts of the world still slaves and free men. The point Paul is trying to make and that I agree with is this: once we become Christians, none of those things matter, for we are one.

The challenge this brings us to in our current climate of race wars, politics and more, is that many of these people are not Christians. We are not united because we don't all have Christ.

I believe that until we are all united in Christ, division and strife will continue. Jesus is the only answer to cure all our sins (such as racism).

I know there have been many times throughout history when people believe the end times were near. I can see how they would feel that way. Revelation 22:20 resonates more strongly with me everyday: “He who testifies to these things says, "Yes, I am coming soon." Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.”

Come, Lord Jesus, come.