Half a Year with Heidi Grace

It’s been the fastest, slowest half year. Our hard days seem to crawl at an ant’s pace. Our great days have sped by. And through it all, God has been our strength and comfort, an ever present help in our lives. 

Heidi has had an excellent month (other than that one ear infection and being near pneumonia at the same time). But after that, it was great! 

(Always wants snuggles when she’s sick.)

Heidi’s speech is starting to progress. This month she added to monkey, elephant. She loves, loves to hear and make the elephant sound. She attempted to repeat “quack-quack” in her own way. She made two different sounds together “ahhhh-bbbbb” and was trying to say “uh-oh”. Previously she would only repeat the same sound two or more times (Ex. Dada, mom-mom, ah-ah, you-you, etc.) 

(Can you handle her cuteness??)

She did some really sweet things this month also. After I kissed her cheeks she leaned into me and kissed mine. She likes to give hugs and reaches up to be held. 

(So loved)

Heidi has been eating really well this month. She ate some cheese curls that were smashed onto her tray by licking her pointer finger, getting them to stick, and sucking them off. She ate a piece of pizza in her way. I cut it up and fed it to her on a spoon, but not the crust or any crunchy parts. She is drinking from a non-therapeutic straw cup.

 And while it’s backward on the milestone chart she successfully drank from a sippy cup!

 This was a huge step as the cup close up to her face terrified her for these first 6 months. She even picked the cup up by the handle and put it in her mouth!  We were so impressed. 

Sitting up at the table like a big girl! 

One downside from this month is that for the past two weeks she has started waking up 1-2 times a night screaming. (So sad for me because she’s always been an amazing sleeper and I love to sleep.) She is typically easy to calm and goes back to sleep but has also been waking up earlier than usual for her (6:30 am instead of 7:30 or 8:00). One night in particular was horrible because when I went into her room to pick her up my touch scared her and her cry changed to sound terrified. Thankfully once she heard my voice she grabbed me right and stopped crying. I can’t even blame the time change since the waking at night started before that. 

She has started knocking down towers and people. Heidi finds it hilarious to push her sisters to see them topple like her towers. 

It makes her laugh so hard so we let her do it over and over because there are fewer things we enjoy more than hearing her sweet laugh. She has learned to pull open the pantry door if it isn’t latched and push doors shut also, which means poor Petey gets shut out of the laundry room several times a day (where his food and water is kept). 

Heidi surprised us all by doing somersaults this month. She pulled clothes out of a laundry basket, attempted to scribble on the wall, and hit a pot with a pen to drum. 

Perhaps seemingly insignificant, but important, she looked up when the front door opened just two days ago and again today. We think that she can hear fine (but does have a hearing exam scheduled for next month just to be safe). Heidi never seems to notice when the front or back door open and slam shut. She also doesn’t always look up when we call her name from the other room. Based on some little tests of our own with the therapists help, we think it is more likely that she has auditory processing challenge as she often has delayed reactions to what she hears. It could also have been that her time in the orphanage was loud and she learned to block out background noise as a way to protect and comfort herself. The way we got her to notice the door was to walk her to the door anytime someone comes and make a big deal of it . We have also started making a big deal of daddy when he gets home. 

(She also got left in the nursery at Bible study for the first time this month and did well both weeks!)

She had a milestone check done today by her occupational therapist to determine how we should change her goals over the next six months. Heidi came home at 22 months and is now 28 months.

 Her lowest scores were for fine motor skills which we anticipated. She still hasn’t mastered pincer grasp which is only an 8 month skill, but she does have some higher level skills like turning pages in books. She probably averages at 11-12 months for fine motor. It’s a significant improvement as just 6 months ago she was basically a 3 month level with some random higher level skills.  

(She’s loving these warmer days and so am I!)

Her gross motor skills are around 20-22 months. They would like to see her starting crawling down the stairs, climbing up furniture. Keep in mind, she wasn’t even walking 6 months ago but is now attempting to run and is climbing stairs. 

Heidi made significant improvement with her eating as well. She is at about a 12 month level. We would like to see her improve with self feeding and to lose her fear of forks (truly, she’s terrified of forks). Also we want to see her actually bite into food, pick up bites to feed herself and use the spoon more. But guys, remember 6 months ago when she could only eat very runny purées and cried with every swallow? Oh, how far we’ve come! 

Her speech and cognition both shake out to about 12-months. We anticipate seeing significant growth as she seems to be understanding her new language and will make more connections everyday. 

The big question is: will she ever fully catch up to her age? We have great hope that this will be possible for Heidi. Both of her therapists expect great things for Heidi’s life. God has already done incredible miracles in her life and we fully expect to see many more. 

Overall, Heidi is a happy, happy girl.

 She loves her sisters deeply and is so much more expressive than she was six months ago. She brings tremendous joy into our lives. 

It was so hard to choose a 6-month photo today because she was so happy. This eyes-shut clapping photo might be my favorite. 

Happy half year home, Heidi, our brave sunshine girl. We love you so much! I can’t even imagine what the next six months will bring but I am looking forward to watching you learn and grow and bring joy to everyone as it unfolds. 

Great is His Faithfulness

If you are anything like me you may find yourself fighting off the winter blues.

February is typically the hardest month of the year for me. I know this about myself and have made purposeful changes in my life over the past few years to combat this.

However, sometimes it still creeps up on me. Homeschooling has helped our family to remain fairly healthy many winters. Unfortunately that has not been the case for our family this year. It is inevitable that with a family of six children that at some point we'll have some illness passed throughout our home. This year that has certainly been the case. We have had multiple doctor visits, seen the ENT for two different kids, had a two-night hospital stay, taken a baby to the eye doctor, had persistent coughs, snotty noses, gone through several boxes of tissues and much more all in the past four weeks.

These tribulations begin to weigh on the spirit of even the strongest of people. After having the smallest person in our home cough into my face and sneeze into my eyeballs even my tough immune system has taken a hit.

When I'm not feeling well I tend to spend more time on my phone, scrolling through Instagram and Pinterest and Facebook and Twitter and all the mindless ways to waste my time. The thing is, none of those things make me feel better. In fact, they tend to make me more miserable. 

I begin comparing my roughest days of the year with women who have the most perfect homes in the history of the world. I look across the room to see a waste can overflowing with snot-filled tissues. I see a woman who goes thrift shopping and finds the most stunning things to make her home look gorgeous. And I lift up my eyes to see carpet that once was white but is now covered with stains from dirty shoes and spilled drinks. I barely have the energy to see my family through their daily needs, let alone make things look pretty just to look pretty. This cycle repeats itself until I begin to feel so down on myself and my own inability to make my home look immaculate and magazine-cover worthy.

Thankfully I've got a great God and an amazing husband who remind me of who I am.

I am not enough.

“Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us...”

But God is.

“... but our sufficiency is from God.” 2 Corinthians 3:5

I am raising six children, who are gifts from God. (see Psalm 127:3)

I am weary at times, but He will give me strength.

When I can take a step back from my pity party I can see much more clearly. I can count the endless ways God has provided for this day.

Do you guys remember in art class learning about that famous artist (Georges Seurat) who painted masterpieces using tiny little dots (Pointillism)? Up close the paintings look disjointed, unconnected, pointless, and undefinable. However, when you step back you realize what a genius he really was.

I think sometimes life can be like that. Some days the dishes pile up, carpets get stained, dirt and snow get tracked in, kids fight, moms get sick, dads have late meetings, and these little dots don't make sense. We can't see what is happening. But then we take a moment to step back and we are reminded that earthly treasures rot (or go out of style), and kids learn compromise and selflessness, mothers grow strong and capable, fathers contribute not just to their homes but to their community, and slowly these dots are taking form into something beautiful. If we keep ourselves in a perpetual state of discouragement we won't see the good God is doing.

Perhaps one of the most beneficial parts of stepping back from our momentary problems is once again seeing the eternal perspective of our lives. As Christians, we are not to be living for the world, but for God.

Friends, God will give you strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.

Great is His faithfulness.

I'm so glad that I took a step back to see what the good work He is doing in our family. Even in February.

Five Months Home with Heidi

Another month home, and a mostly positive month it has been. 

When I got home from having Ruth in the hospital it was on top of my only weekend a year that I go away. I had only seen the other kids for about 4 hours for the previous five days. Heidi melted my heart by coming to me to snuggle and saying, “mom-mom”. 

 My sweet, snuggly girl! 

She now is climbing up the stairs as soon as I turn my back. We have to put the baby gate up or she will be halfway up before you realize it. She’s not only quick but very quiet. 

Heidi had her bangs trimmed for the first time! She had her hair shaved regularly when she lived in the orphanage so we love seeing her hair grow!

She is continuing to do better each day with her mealtimes. She is also finally getting the hang of gripping onto things with her hands. Carrie was very excited when she started to hold onto her hand to walk  to another room. 

She loves all her sisters in turn. She goes through swings of liking one sister more than another and there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason for it. this is currently one of the biggest issues we have in our home: fighting over who gets to hold Heidi and crying when Heidi doesn’t want whoever is holding her. 

But when she DOES want you, it feels so so good. 

We went to the library for the first time since she came home in September. All the girls were happy about this. I was delighted to take her to an unfamiliar place to see her reaction. She walked towards the play area but looked back at me for reassurance before walking in. There were a fair amount of kids in there and she came quickly back out and reached her arms up to me to pick her up. 

These small things are great gains in our communication efforts. She had speech therapy every-other week now and we are being reminded that before she even uses sign language or speaks that she will learn to gesture. Attempting communication with a 2-year-old is difficult in the best circumstances but even more so with a developmentally delayed, English as a second language child. When I remind myself of those things I am comforted by the great strides we have made. While I would love to hear her repeating words or signing her needs and desires we just aren’t there yet. 

Perhaps the greatest strides we made this month are with food. She started chewing on Tuesday, February 21. She chewed bites of strawberry first. Then bites of chicken salad. Then for dinner that night she ate rice and poppyseed chicken. We were completely amazed. Not everyday is good and we still have to work on getting her to feed herself and eat crunchy things, we are amazed at what she CAN do. 

We celebrated my 35th birthday and I was happy that she DID crunch some Cheerios mixed with infant cereal. What a gift these girls are to me. 

We celebrated Chinese New Year with friends who also have four biological children and two girls adopted from China. It was so good to connect with them and be able to relate in unique ways. Heidi even ate some pork fried rice. 

(Aren’t they sweet in their Chinese dresses?) 

Here she is with another huge miracle. Holding a toy with both hands. She carried that giraffe around, switched it from hand-to-hand, dropped it, picked it back up, and even grabbed it tight to pull it out of Ruth’s mouth. Heidi’s miracles are small but amazing to us. We are so grateful for these glimpses of hope for her future. 

She picked up a cheerio and put it in her mouth. Granted, she spit the cheerio out but still, progress! 

She got very interested in bubbles this month. One day she ate spaghetti and bites of meatballs. In fact, she has started eating so regularly just about everything that we eat that I stopped writing it down. 

She has been holding Trents fingers really tight. Guys, I know that this is something newborn babies do as a reflex but it is all so new for her. We are celebrating her victories. 

The sweetest daddy and daughter 🥰

There are a bunch of things I don’t have photos of so you’ll have to bear with me as I explain. 

Heidi grabbed her bear cup by the straw, put it in her mouth and drank! While looking at a book with Anne she saw a monkey and said, “Ahh-Ahh!”. She said “na-na” which didn’t mean anything but that was a sound we have never heard her make. She washed her own belly with a washcloth. She signed “all done” after me after lunch one day. Most of these things she has done only once or twice so unfortunately they aren’t consistent behaviors just yet. 

But this. This she did a few times so I was able to get photos. 

Holding the spoon!!!!

Getting yogurt onto the spoon!! (I did have to tilt the bowl to help her get it on the spoon). 

Feeding herself!!!! I was so overly enthusiastic about this. You have no idea how loud it was in our home that day at lunch. I’ve said from before we brought Heidi home that she’s got the best five big sisters to cheer her on to greatness, and cheer we did this day. Oh, the joy. 

Unfortunately we feel like we’ve lost progress this past week as sickness has swept through our home. Heidi ended up having an ear infection and nearly had pneumonia. We got her started on some antibiotics but when she isn’t feeling well she pretty much refuses to eat anything but purées. 

Ruth has the great idea of putting these suspenders on Heidi one day. 

It was one of the cutest things ever. 

We’re learning more about Heidi’s personality each day. She prefers to wake slowly from her nap. Typically she naps from 2-5 pm but recently she has started playing (!!) in her crib so she isn’t falling asleep until later. Then it might be 5:30 or almost 6 and we’re waking her and instantly trying to give her dinner. That goes poorly. So we’ve started trying to go into her room around 5:20 and one of the older girls or I (unless I’m making dinner) will sit in there with her until she’s ready to get out of bed. Usually this takes 20 minutes. 

Abbey did a great job calming Heidi down early one morning when I couldn’t get her to stop crying. 

In truth, sometimes I feel a little discouraged that she isn’t doing more or learning things more quickly. But then I remember how the fact that she is even alive is a miracle. I’m strengthened to keep working hard with her and fighting for her because her life is valuable. She is a gift from God and her life matters. 

She also had her eye exam follow up this month. Her prescription is -1.5. The doctor felt this was not so bad (since she can see clearly a common distance in which people stand to talk and she isn’t yet reading a chalk board) to warrant the stress that keeping glasses on her will cause our family. Since Heidi has sensory challenges I really appreciated his care in this matter. We will follow up in 6 months and depending on her prescription and how improved her sensory disorder is, she will likely be getting glasses. If not then, definitely sometime in the future. 

Heidi wasn’t feel well when we took photos this month so they aren’t her best. 

Happy five months home, beautiful brave Heidi with the sweetest kissy lips. 

Your life matters, my dearling. Don’t ever let anyone try to tell you otherwise with their fancy talking points. 

We love you, Heidi and can’t wait to see what you learn next month! 

Beautifully Broken

All adoption starts from a place of trauma. A place of loss. Of grief. Sadness.

A few years ago I read something along those lines but did not fully understand it. In truth, I may never fully grasp this.

Before adopting our children I talked to my friends who are adoptees from multiple different countries. I read books. I scoured blogs and websites. And all the information and stories were different. Just as no two biologically related children are exactly the same, no two adoption stories are the same.

Our first adoption was as smooth as possible. Our second quite rocky.

But trauma and grief and loss are tricky things. A child who does not have any cognitive memory of their abandonment and multiple moves feels those things deep inside of them.

Recently one of of biological children had surgery. Ironically, this brought up some fear of abandonment in Ruthie. She was very anxious days before the surgery and was terrible the day of the surgery. When I got home with her sister she was very needy and upset. After taking her to my room to calm her down later that evening I held her and rocked her and rubbed her back.

And she said, “I was afraid you weren't coming back.”

Broken. So terribly broken. She was abandoned as an infant, placed in an orphanage, moved to a care home, fostered by an amazing family, and finally adopted. Five breaks in the first two years of her life.

While most of the moves she made were for her to receive better care and eventually a forever family, they are still breaks in connections her little brain was forming.

Many of you have been following along and praying for Ruthie as she spent time in the hospital a couple of weeks ago.

Her illness came upon her suddenly, what we later learned was a case of Salmonella brought on from eating chicken at KFC. Some of you may remember that Ruthie has a genetic blood condition. Her specific condition is quite rare and has a long name: Alpha Thalassemia Hemoglobin H Disease, Constant Spring. This affects her red blood cells and leads to a chronically low hemoglobin. Her normal hemoglobin is between 7.9-8.1, whereas a “healthy” child has a hemoglobin of about 12 or 13.

When people get sick it is normal for their hemoglobin to drop. For a child like Ruthie, her hemoglobin doesn't have far to go before she is too sick to recover on her own and would need a blood transfusion.

This is what happened when she got Salmonella. She was very dehydrated within three days of first getting ill (Friday she was sick for the first time and Sunday we were in the ER). Her hemoglobin was 6, but she was so dehydrated the doctor thought it was probably closer to 5.5. This meant that she would need fluid, plus a blood transfusion, plus another bag of fluids. She was admitted to the hospital Sunday and we came home Tuesday morning.

Although Ruth knows she has this condition, she did not previously grasp what it meant when we talked about if she gets sick she may need a blood transfusion.

Her time in the hospital was traumatic. She was very, very scared. Ruth is a strong little girl and to see her so out of sorts was terrible. The first night in the hospital I had to sleep in the little crib-bed with her because she was afraid even if I was just in the chair on the other side of her bed. The second night I could sleep in the chair, but she would wake up crying and yelling, “Mama! Where are you???”

It broke my heart. Since coming home we've had a large emotional set back for Ruth. She was napping in her own bed but has since needed me to lay with her until she falls asleep. When she wakes up from her nap she is full of fear, crying, and wanting to know where mama went as I have other demands and cannot nap with her for 2.5 hours everyday.

It was during this time that we were hit with the unfairness and the brokenness of adoption. I'm reminded that brokenness is not God's first plan for families. God's first plan was for a husband and wife to hold fast to one another (Genesis 2:24), then to have children (Genesis 9:7). There are stories in the Bible of adoption (Moses) and the pain that is often associated with this way of building a family.

But God is so good. He loves Ruth. He loves people. And God began writing the redemption story before man and sin even entered the world. Praise God that He is in the business of making beauty from ashes (read Joseph's story as just one example).

Today, for the first time in weeks, Ruth took a nap in her own bed. We trust that God will continue to work on Ruth's heart and mind. We trust that she will lose her fear of abandonment and be able to come to the realization that she is forever loved, cherished, and wanted.

It is my prayer that all of my girls will cling to these words from Isaiah 43:1; “Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by your name; You are mine.”

Four Months Home with Heidi

Already another month has come and gone. At one point I started to feel like we were not making much progress with Heidi. Yet when I consider even the most mundane acts, I realize she has grown to feel truly safe with her forever family. 

Heidi is laughing a lot these days. She is getting occupational therapy weekly. We alternate goals for this: one week we work on sensory play and the other we work on feeding. I quite like the weeks we play because she typically enjoys the activities. Feeding therapy is still very stressful. She is starting to chew occasionally but not regularly. There were a few days this month she wasn’t feeling well and she only ate applesauce for days. But, refusing food is something new and totally appropriate for any child. 

Heidi is developing object permanence (a very young skill generally 4-7 months). She followed a ball under a chair and reached for it when it was out of sight. She noticed her doll was missing and looked for it. When she drops things from her high chair she will lean over to look. Again, a very young age skill but we were thrilled to see her develop this!

She signed “more” a couple of times one day but it was very frustrating for all of us getting her to do it. She said “mama” when I walked in her room to get her up in the morning so I’m pretty sure she’s connecting me to the name “mama” and that makes me happy!

Christmas was a hard day for her. We woke her up for presents but she cried the whole time so we put her back to bed. This was one of the days she didn’t seem to be feeling great. She ate good at Trent’s parents’ house and then was much more cheerful. She wasn’t interested in the wrapping paper or the gifts. 

Trent and I got to go away one evening and two of our nieces (Addy & Emma) babysat for us. Anne was a terrific help in caring for Heidi. 

Heidi continues to grow and grow! I moved her into 18 months clothes in January. For those of you keeping track, she was in 6-9 month clothes four months ago when we brought her home. She has steadily gained 1 pound a month since coming home. It’s astounding! Her meals don’t take nearly as long for her to eat. When she came home every meal took an hour but now we’re at a more normal paced 30 minutes per meal. 

(First visit to Pine View Dairy to see the cows! She did great until she recognized the ice cream container then freaked out and lunged toward it almost out of my arms. She started crying that I wouldn’t give it to her so Anne had to take her to the car while I paid.)

She is getting stronger everyday. She can now climb the stairs easily. Crawling up, walking on the landing, crawling the last four stairs, then walking down the hallway or to my room. 

Heidi started speech therapy and we really love her therapist. She had a lot of good ideas and we’ve already seen some tiny improvements. She also explained that the reason we were frustrated with teaching her sign language is because we’re skipping a step (like building a tower and attempting to place block 5 on top of block 2// it doesn’t work without all the pieces connected). We are instead hoping to see Heidi start consistently gesturing (waving, moving her arms to be picked up, clapping, etc.) and then we can start to build signs on top of those gestures. 

We are seeing Heidi use her hands more and more. She picked up a tiny popsicle crafting stick off the hardwood floor. She started taking apart her foam mat (which is annoying but awesome). She will pick up a pencil or marker that the girls leave down and wave it around. 

This is her “cheeeese” smile. 

Maggie was singing a clapping song and Heidi started to clap her own hands. It’s always incredible to see her learning even the smallest things. 

We received photos of when she lived in China and was only 4.5 pounds at 5 months old. It was shocking and heartbreaking to see these photographs but I’m so thankful we have them. Of course she’s significantly delayed, Heidi the Brave was quite literally fighting for her life for those many months. 

(Five months old on a train to Beijing from Nanchang to go to a care center for some specialize care.)

She started shrugging her shoulders and raising her eyebrows  and it’s hilarious but hard to photograph.  

She really loved the snow this time! I was so surprised but it wasn’t too cold or windy so I think that helped. 

We got to see our best friends for a couple hours and Heidi loved her. 

(Haven’t seen Heidi laugh as hard as she did with my BFF in... maybe ever. She has good taste in friends 😉)

We are humbled and grateful to be her family. We love her and can’t wait to see the good things God will do in her life and those who will be impacted through her beautiful life and story. The month wasn’t without its hard days (a cold, some vomit, teething pain, etc) but the good outweighs the bad and that’s something to be grateful for!

Happy 4 months home, Heidi boo-boo. We love you more than you love ice cream!

Had to get this cow outfit for our ice cream lover!

A Glance Back to Focus on the Road Ahead

Our family had declared 2019 as the year of growth. We set some specific goals at the beginning of the year. Near the end of 2019 we sat together as a family to review what we set out to do and if we accomplished what we hoped to do. We all agreed we started out fairly well on our meeting the specific ways we hoped to grow in our lives. However, until the end of the year, if the goal hadn't changed into a habit, it likely fell to the wayside.

Even though we didn't accomplish everything we set out to in 2019, it's safe to say that adding Heidi to our family made all of us grow in completely new and unexpected ways. Heidi has taught the other seven Hesses to be more selfless, more patient, more compassionate, more understanding. We have to continually put her needs above our own.

This has looked different for each of us, but some specific ways we have adjusted are: Anne took over reading the school lessons in the afternoon (and I am SO glad we're in a good place for the start of 2020 where I've been able to start teaching again!). Abbey has set aside her own for-fun books and gotten Heidi up from naps, changed diapers, and helped with dinner. Maggie has a special knack for making Heidi break into gales of laughter. Caroline will drop anything she is doing to sing to Heidi and help me rock her to sleep. Ruth has willingly released her slot as “baby” for her preferred status of “big sister”. Ruth rarely complains that Heidi takes so much of my attention and has gotten involved with Heidi's therapies and encourages her to do all the new things (walk, climb the stairs, don't hit yourself) and has even provided the nickname we all started using; Heidi Boo-Boo.

I know all the cool kids are calling this year, 2020, the year of vision or the year of perfect vision as a play on 20/20 vision. I haven't been a cool kid for a long time so our family is taking a different track for the year.

My original idea was something along the lines of “2020, the year we don't do anything new” or “2020, the year where get lots of sleep”. Of course, when raising a family, you'll never have a year where nothing changes. Children, by their very nature, are constantly growing, learning, and changing. And of course, I want to see those things happen, especially for Heidi in her first year home.

As Trent and I discussed what we hoped to see happen in 2020, we realized what we hope our family can learn is to change some habits to create in our minds a constant state of thankfulness. We have dubbed 2020 to be the year of gratitude. 

I've purchased some inexpensive journals for each of the kids to keep track of three things per day that they are grateful for. It is my hope that as they go throughout the day they'll make mental notes of something that happened or an instance which made them grateful.

“...godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and neither can we carry anything out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with these.” 1 Timothy 6:6-8

Practicing gratitude leads to contentment. While we have plans of some projects we would like to accomplish this year, if they don't happen it is my hope that we will not be continually striving for more and more worldly things and instead be content with our food and clothing. In an effort to raise children who are not spoiled by all we could give them in terms of possessions, we hope our whole family can show a testimony to the world that contentment and joy come not from what we have but Who we know.

“Give thanks to the LORD and proclaim his greatness. Let the whole world know what he has done.” Psalm 105:1