Our Adoption Story

For many couples, their adoption story starts long before their actual paperwork. The same is true for our family. I have had the desire to adopt for as long as I can remember. I had multiple friends throughout the years who were adopted, most internationally. While Trent wouldn't say he had a burning desire to adopt, he has never been opposed to it, and has in fact been quite open to the idea of growing our family in this way.

After Magdalena was born, with the complications she had (Intrauterine Growth Restricted, preemie, emergency Cesarean section, a vertical cut on the uterus, a 6-day NICU stay) we started seriously talking about adoption. We knew we wanted more children, and having another biological child anytime soon was suddenly scratched. Maggie was born in August 2010.  By May, 2011, we were researching agencies and countries.

There weren't many countries we qualified for due to our ages (I was 26 and Trent was 28, most countries require you to be 30 years old) or the fact that we already had three children, or our income. We were qualified to adopt from Ethiopia and felt our hearts being drawn toward this African country.

We attended information sessions and filed a preliminary application. We were so excited to have been accepted into the Ethiopia program. Unfortunately, both Trent and I were not feeling comfortable with our agency. There were multiple things, mainly dealing with communication (or lack thereof) and a particular worker who misplaced paperwork multiple times. When handling large stacks of papers we really did not feel comfortable proceeding. We took time to pray before moving on to the next step. I distinctly remember sitting on the porch of our little city house after we had put the kids to bed. We had felt so sure that we were stepping out in faith to do this hard thing (mainly financially, but also trusting that we would have the space for a fourth child in our small home), only to have hit this road block. We were unsure whether this was the type of stumbling block that we were meant to push past and persevere through, or if it was the kind intended to make us come to a full stop. After much prayer, both Trent and I felt it was God's way of closing the door on international adoption for the time being. I was crushed.

Several months later we were still praying for guidance, but mostly we were enjoying life. I was being as intentionally grateful for my three girls as possible. Around November 2011 multiple people starting speaking into our lives regarding foster care. It was something I never thought much about. We still had the problem of a very small house. We started putting some feelers out to our local Children and Youth agency to learn more.

Late December we got a phone call from an older lady at church, notifying us of a nice big farm house in the country for rent. When she explained where it was located I nearly cried. It was the house I grew up in and had loved dearly. After talking with the owner of the house and learning there was potential that he would subdivide the house and a couple acres off to sell to us eventually we went to look at the house. So many delightful childhood memories were brought back, and we went for it. We moved to a five bedroom farm house in January 2012. Shortly thereafter we began our foster care classes.

Late August 2012, our birth children were 4, 3 and 2, we got a call for a sibling group. A 4-year-old girl (it later turned out she was 3, almost 4) and her 9-month-old brother. We accepted. Thus began the most intense, challenging months of our lives. There were many tears shed, weight lost, and gray hair gained. Our foster daughter had such intense struggles, and we were at a loss to help her. As we tried to help her, we only received push back from agencies with new, young caseworkers. We were told that "not every child in foster care is in therapy" and repeatedly told by multiple people "you're doing a good job with her". I didn't want to be told I was doing a good job. I wanted help. I wanted her to get help for her anger, for her inability to attach to people, for her manipulation, for her self-harming. Instead I was told, "you're doing a good job." We did have some good days, but there were many many bad days. At the time, I described her behavior as "death by a million pin-pricks". It was never one huge thing that she did, but the million times a day she did little things.

After five intense months, she left our home to go to another foster home. It was the hardest decision we had ever made. Her little brother, now a delightful, joy-filled, chubby 14-month old, had thrived in our care. As his sister spiraled out of control, he blossomed in the love of our three biological daughters. We were forever grateful he got to stay with us until the court was to decide whether he should move to the same foster home as her, or if he would stay with us.

It was a joyful month with our foster son. It was a month of healing for our family. He was doted on and loved and read to and snuggled like never before. He would run to the door when Trent got home, yell, "Daddddyyyyyy!" and run into his arms. Then court day came. The judge decided that since they are siblings they should remain together. Our hearts were crushed. An hour later Children and Youth came to get him. This boy we loved so hard and so well for six months was taken from my arms. He was placed in the back seat of the caseworker's car. I'll never forget him looking out the window at me. Confused. It was the last time we saw him.

The month after he left was so extremely painful. I closed his bedroom door. I couldn't walk past that room with the door open to see his empty crib. I washed all his blankets so I wouldn't have to smell his baby smell, then immediately regretted that I had washed them, knowing I would never again have that to help me remember him. The girls begged for a sibling they could keep. One they wouldn't have to give back.

Three months after he left I ran into the kids new foster mom (we had met several times at visits with the kids' birth mother). She said the kids were doing well. Our foster daughter was finally able to get some counseling and therapy. She said our foster son cried a lot at first but was starting to do better. As hard as it was to hear that he cried, it was also a relief. He had formed an attachment. Attachments can be made again, as hard as it is to break them. They were being loved and cared for. It had to be enough for me. In reality, it wasn't about me, it was about the children.

Several months after they left, we bought a house and moved away from the farmhouse. The day we signed papers on the house we found out we were pregnant with our fourth child.

December 2013, Caroline was born. Another growth restricted baby, another C-section, another preemie, another NICU stay, this time 10 days. She was lovely and precious and wonderful.

Around her one year birthday I felt myself wanting another child. Another biological child probably wasn't the best option. I started researching international adoption agencies and countries. I was 29, not yet old enough for the magical age 30 that many countries require. I talked with Trent. It was a resounding, "No." I was crushed. I cried for several days.

Life moved on and we celebrated our 10th anniversary a couple months early, during the fall of 2015. We talked adoption. This time Trent was more open to the idea, but still unsure. That fall Trent went hunting. When he came home after spending some time away, praying in the woods, he felt adoption was something we should pursue.

December 2015, Caroline turned two. We knew an adoption would likely take two years, so wanted her to be about two when we started so that she would be close to four when we had to travel out of the country and leave her and her sisters behind.

After much prayer, we filed our application to adopt a little girl from China on January 4, 2016. From there things have moved relatively quickly with only a few paperwork hiccups along the way. Our dossier went to China on June 24, 2016. We are still waiting for that to be Logged In.

And now, we wait for our referral. Our story is not finished. We are grateful to be this far. Though it certainly hasn't been easy, we believe that God has led us through all these years to prepare us more fully for our daughter. Thank you all for following along as we wait for our fifth daughter to come home!

A Belated Birthday Post

Two months ago our second oldest daughter celebrated her seventh birthday.

Abbey and Trent for their annual daddy-daughter date!

This post is truly a joy to write as our mother-daughter relationship has changed so much over the past year.

Monkey see- monkey do. Abbey is proving herself to be such a compassionate big sister.

As a teeny, tiny toddler, Abbey was by far my hardest child. She fought me and knew exactly how to push my buttons. In response, I did the worst thing possible, I withdrew from her. It wasn't until I heard another mom share how when you have a difficult child you need to PRESS INTO that child. What she meant was, go out of your way to find things to praise them for, to invite them to sit with you and read books,  to color with you, or bake with you or garden with you.

Sweet sisters

I knew I didn't want our relationship to continue on the path it was going, so I tried. I tried harder to invite her into my world. When she would push me, I would press into her. Did she still need disciplined? Absolutely! But even our discipline started to look a little different. Instead of me just getting angry and frustrated, I worked to be more self-controlled. Her discipline was then followed up with discussion and prayer. Eventually when she was about to "blow" she started asking me to pray for her.

Abbey loves to help in the kitchen.

Now, my seven-year-old Abbey is a delight to my heart. She has learned so much self-control, and I have learned new parenting techniques. It wasn't enough for me to say, "She has a different personality from me. I don't understand why she responds to situations like she does." I needed to work harder to be the best mom for Abbey that I possibly could. I still make mistakes, but I think we've made some great improvements!

A little about Abbey at seven. 
*Abbey is SO excited for her little sister to come home from China. She thinks we should name her sister Lily or some other flower.
*Abbey is an introvert.
*Abbey LOVES to joke. I'm continually surprised at her wit. (For example - she has had a loose tooth for awhile and we thought she would lose it while we were visiting friends in Virginia. She didn't. But she said, "if I pull it out in the truck on the way home you'll just have to throw me back some cash." :: She did pull it on the way home and I DID crumple up and throw her back "some cash".)

Three top teeth gone, and her Ca$h.

*Abbey loves reading. The book she is digging into now is Charlotte's Web.
*Abbey experienced a miracle just before her seventh birthday. She has had chronic constipation since she was an infant and was on a daily medication. Without it the consequences were quite painful. She asked if she would have to have this medicine for the rest of her life. When I told her I didn't know she was pretty upset. We prayed about it and talked about it for awhile. After that we decided to take her off the medicine. In the past two months she has only needed it one time. We are so thankful for her miracle!!
*Abbey loves gardening. She is always my buddy out in the garden. As a prize for her memorizing Paul Revere's Ride by H.W. Longfellow I surprised her with a really nice trowel. Not many 7-year-olds would be thrilled that they spent FIVE hard weeks memorizing a long poem to get a trowel - but Abbey was! She hugged me so tight and was thrilled to have it!
*Abbey will probably be a runner someday. She just loves running outside. I could definitely see cross country running in her future.
*Abbey doesn't like having her picture taken.
*Abbey loves sweets (just ask her Sunday School teacher, right Miss Janice??)

We love you, Abbey Frances! Happy seventh birthday my Toothless Wonder!
xoxo,
Mama

Paul Revere's Ride and the end of Second Grade and Kindergarten

May 20th we said goodbye to Second grade and Kindergarten, at least for a couple of years.

Anne and Abbey will both move up to third grade in the fall. It seems hard to believe that we have finished our third year of home schooling and look forward eagerly to the start of the fourth year.

Maggie will be doing what I lovingly call Pre-First. I know this grade doesn't actually exist in our country anymore, but if you are my age you will remember many children leaving Kindergarten and heading to pre-first instead of first grade. We have chosen to do this for Maggie for numerous reasons. I'd love to share my thought process with you all. First, Maggie turned five a week after school started last fall. She has a late summer birthday and was technically *by one day* premature (born at 36 weeks and 6 days). So she is young for her grade and quite small as well. Second, while we saw tremendous growth throughout the year, it was a hard battle. Maggie has learned to read, but she continues to sound out nearly every word, every time. She really really has to work hard to accomplish what comes easily to others. We want her to love learning and love school. I can guarantee she will not enjoy school if we push her to first grade next year. Third, I want to take this in between year to try some different techniques with Maggie - especially more music. I really believe that if we give her another year to grow and mature it will be extremely beneficial for her in the long run.

Here's a short video from the end of the school year of Maggie reciting "Trees" by Joyce Kilmer. Isn't she so adorable?

A few months ago I was introduced to the Eric Metaxas Show. I listen to his podcasts at night while I'm painting. On April 18 he gave the challenge to memorize Paul Revere's Ride by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Although I was familiar with the poem it was not one I had memorized myself. At that point we had five weeks left of school. I decided it would be just the thing to push the girls through the end of the year.

Here is Anne's recitation.

Abbey was also able to memorize the full poem. She was a little nervous while I was recording. When I wasn't recording she was doing a great job of adding inflection to the words, but she was more concerned about getting the words right to focus on her inflection. Also, Abbey just turned seven on April 18. The fact that she was able to memorize this (with a couple minor mistakes) was astounding to me.

We are giving three cheers for summer vacation!
Hip, hip, hooray!  
     Hip, hip, hooray!  
          Hip, hip, hooray!

Immigration Approval

Hey friends! Just wanted to give everyone a quick update on our adoption.

Friday, May 20 we received immigration approval for our daughter to immigrate to the US! Hooray!

Unfortunately, we still need to have the immigration document certified and authenticated. This will take about five more weeks.

Wonderfully, this is the LAST piece of paper we need before our Dossier (huge pile of information on our family and all the things we have ever done in our lives) can be sent to China. Hopefully our Dossier will be in China the first week of July.

Once our Dossier is in China we wait for our referral, which is a formal way of saying our DAUGHTER and all her medical information and her photograph. We aren't exactly sure how long this wait will be. It can be 5-6 months or sometimes a little longer.

Once we accept our referral we have a bunch more paperwork to do before we can travel to China. Usually travel is 4-6 months after referral.

Thank you all for sharing in our joy and excitement. We do have a fundraiser planned for this summer that we are excited about and it is open to the public.

More information can be found here: Ice Cream Social Fundraiser

If at any time you feel led to give a donation you can message me for our address to send a check. Or we also have a YouCaring page which you can find here: Bringing Home Little Sister

Thank you, thank you!
xoxo,
Mama Hess 

Mother's Sacrifice

Yesterday was Mother's Day, and our pastor had a sermon unlike any other I've heard on Mother's Day. One particular passage stuck out to me. Most of you are probably familiar with the story of King Solomon's display of wisdom in handling the situation of two prostitutes  who came to him with a complaint. As the passage is short, I include it here for you now to read again quickly.

1 Kings 3:16-28(NIV)

¹⁶ Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. ¹⁷ One of them said, “Pardon me, my lord. This woman and I live in the same house, and I had a baby while she was there with me. ¹⁸ The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us.
¹⁹ “During the night this woman’s son died because she lay on him. ²⁰ So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast. ²¹ The next morning, I got up to nurse my son—and he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t the son I had borne.”
²² The other woman said, “No! The living one is my son; the dead one is yours.”
But the first one insisted, “No! The dead one is yours; the living one is mine.” And so they argued before the king.
²³ The king said, “This one says, ‘My son is alive and your son is dead,’ while that one says, ‘No! Your son is dead and mine is alive.’”
²⁴ Then the king said, “Bring me a sword.” So they brought a sword for the king. ²⁵ He then gave an order: “Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.”
²⁶ The woman whose son was alive was deeply moved out of love for her son and said to the king, “Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!”
But the other said, “Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!”
²⁷ Then the king gave his ruling: “Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.”
²⁸ When all Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer justice.

As you can imagine, it was an interesting choice of Scripture for Mother's Day. And maybe I've heard this before, but this year it really hit home in a new way. I think it's hard for most of us American moms to consider the physical giving up of a child, let alone to a woman you live with who is apparently quite devious. Yet the true mother in the story was willing to sacrifice her own feelings and emotions in order that her child might have life.

I believe this struck me as profound because that is what our "birth mom" is doing/has done. Most likely, she was unable to keep her daughter because of a medical condition that she could not afford to treat. So she does what she believes best. She places her infant daughter in a place where she believes she will be found quickly in order that she can receive the medical care necessary that she can have life. Or the social stigma of having a child with a special need in China is so intense that she believes it best for her child to be placed in an orphanage. Again, I think we can't fully comprehend this as Americans. But I'd like for us to try. If we knew or thought we knew that our child could die if they stay in our home, would we not do whatever we could that they could have life? And while it seems extreme, this is the choice thousands of people around the world face.

Thankfully, most of the people reading this won't ever have to make a decision so intense. Yet on smaller levels, moms do sacrifice for their children. I read two wonderful blog posts yesterday that friends have written about their moms. The thing I love about these two moms is that they are SO completely different. And both daughters have wonderful things to say about their moms. 

First: Patsy. A cookie-baking, soccer mom extraordinaire. 
Mama Patsy  
 
Next: Edie. A no-nonsense, fun-loving, director.
Mama Edie 

So as this younger generation of moms rises up, I hope that we can remember that we are different. We have different skill sets. We aren't all going to make delicious cookies. Some of us might make terrible jello. We might not all have the gumption to speak our minds. Some of us are going to be softer. And that's okay. Regardless of our skills, I think we all make sacrifices for our children. While some might be very larger, others will be seemingly small and insignificant. And while it may take those children twenty or thirty years to understand why you parent them the way they do, I think they will understand someday. 

Now What?

Friends. You have all humbled me. Yesterday when I posted about our Home Study in my hands I was hoping you'd share in my excitement. And you did! And you all went SO far above and beyond that I was literally brought to tears.

Unless you have been through an international adoption or know someone who has, you might not know what comes next. Now that we have our completed, notarized copies of our home study we file for immigration. Then we wait up to three months for that to process. We will also need to have a special appointment made for biometric fingerprints (I don't even know what that means, but I'll tell you when I do).

From there we are mostly done with our side of the paperwork. We will need to pay $4,250 before our dossier can be sent to China (maybe July/August?). That cost will cover the paperwork that our agency has done for us, along with the fee for the agency processing our dossier paperwork.

I know it may sound cliche, but we really do want you to pray for us. As Matthew 17:20 says, "He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

If you think of us, please pray for the mountains to move! I can't stress enough that your contributions are literally changing the life of a child. The life of our little girl. If you feel led to help financially I have several options for you.

1. A direct donation through our YouCaring page : Bringing Home Little Sister

2. A kind, and generous friend has offered a portion of the sales of this "HOPE" necklace to our adoption. Again, you guys blow me away! Ordering info can be found on the image below. 

3. Mama Hess Shirts! (Gotta give a shout out to FoxDuck Printing who made these super comfy shirts for me!) Shirts are $16 and exactly half of that will go towards our adoption. Again, I was surprised at the response I received and am nearly sold out. I can order more if people are interested. Sizes that are available as of 4/15/16 are: (Womens) 1 small, 1 medium, 2 larges, and 1 XL. (Mens) 1 small, 1 medium, 1 large. Please contact me through my Facebook page to get your size.

 

Notarized Home Study copies!!

So friends, that's it for now! I will, of course, keep you updated on the progress of the remaining paperwork and as we get closer to being matched with our daughter!

Lots of love,
Mama Hess

Tempe, Arizona

I had the opportunity to tag along with Trent to a conference being held in Tempe, Arizona. In the beginning of March. Just when you can't stand winter any longer in Pennsylvania. We flew out of Philadelphia's airport at a brisk 32 degrees and touched down in Phoenix's Sky Harbor Airport at a lovely 80 degrees.  It felt like Heaven.

Front of Tempe Mission Palms

We stayed at the Tempe Mission Palms hotel. I can't even tell you how lovely this hotel was. But I'll try.  Open your door to a beautiful open-air courtyard full of palm trees, orange trees full of oranges, and the most deliciously fresh, clean scent you can imagine. The room itself was also nice, recently updated. The pool was on the second floor, a roof pool over looking shiny buildings on one side and a desert mountain on the other.

Orange trees right out our door!

Courtyard view

  The main reason (other than the obvious escape from the cold) I wanted to go was the chance to visit my grandparents. They live in Clarkdale, Arizona, about 2 hours away from Tempe. My Grandpa (78) made arrangements for someone to cover for him at his job at the hospital (he does valet parking at the hospital), and my Nana (72) communicated with me on the timing of it all. They were very generous and helped pay my way to them since they knew we were trying to be super careful with our spending as we plan for the huge expense of our adoption. I was thrilled for a chance to spend a full day with them.

The last time I saw both of them, Magdalena was just three weeks old, and I was still recovering from the c-section and the whirlwind of adding a third child under age three to our family. I was not fortunate to grow up with any grandparents living in the same state as my family. My family is originally from California, but we moved to Pennsylvania when I was four years old, leaving behind aunts, uncles, cousins, and both sets of grandparents. I remember well the angst of "grandparent's day" at school, knowing that mine would never be there. I feel extremely grateful that we were able to drive out west multiple times during my childhood to see family and they were able to come see us a few times as well. I'm very grateful that my daughters can get to know their grandparents very well.

Even though I didn't get to see them often, the feelings and memories are alive. When Nana and Grandpa stepped out of their car it was like no time had passed at all since I last saw them. What a treat to have them all to myself!

Selfie with my Nana!

We sat in the courtyard and chatted for a couple of hours, then made our way to Macayo's for lunch. Legend has it they are the unintentional inventor of the chimichanga (deep-fried burrito). The story goes that a burrito was accidentally dropped into the deep frier, and out came the chimichanga. The rest is history. Obviously I had to have one. With guacamole. Because you're in Arizona. So you need a margarita to go with it. What a lunch!

Macayo's with my grandparents!

What a treasure these people are!

Next we drove outside of Tempe for some sight seeing. Grandpa didn't get us lost at all. ;) We had a nice scenic view of the botanical gardens and even drove past the zoo. It was getting too hot for us to walk around at this point.

We went back to the hotel to get some water and lemonade and a piece of carrot cake. Trent was able to get out of his classes from 5-6 so he hung out with us for a little while. At 6 Trent had to go back for a cocktail hour and dinner. My grandparents still had a two hour drive home so they headed out. It was sad to see them go, but what a wonderful day we had.



Friday I was on my own as Trent had to be at his conference. I walked to Starbucks at 10 am for a late, delicious breakfast. The weather was just perfect. I enjoyed walking down the streets, not a care in the world, and perfect temperatures.

Totally turned into one of "those" people who takes pictures of their food. Haha!

Tempe seems to be a very young city. Everything was bright and clean, although there were a lot of homeless people. After leisurely strolling around I headed back to the hotel to hang out by the pool. I caught up on my Bible study, relaxed, listened to podcasts, and swam.

Bible Study with a view!

Trent joined me there when his lunch was over.

Watching my man swim :: weird leg pic.

I ate a nice big salad from the Pool Grille. After more swimming and more relaxing we headed back to our room.

Another food pic - but Oh man! I wish I could eat this salad again!

After cooling off and drinking lots of water we headed out for a hike to the little mountain we could see from the pool. It was a nice climb with many beautiful cacti. There was a gorgeous view of the city and our hotel on one side, and the other side was the suburbs and more red mountains. It was just lovely.

The little mountain we climbed (view from the pool, of course!)

"Mountain" top selfie

That night we went to an Irish Pub Trent had seen and wanted to take me to. Unfortunately, well, it was Irish (my mom's side of the family is Irish). And, I just had to chuckle because in some ways it reminded me of what a family reunion would be like. Loud. Lots of laughing, lots of loud talking. Definitely not Trent's scene.

Had to wear a fringe dress while I was in Arizona!

But the food was awesome, and of course I had to have some sort of Irish coffee. I went with the "Nutty Irishman". Warmed me right up!

Me and my Nutty Irishman!

We again walked the streets of Tempe. Found these candy cigarettes in a Sweet Shoppe. Am I the only person who loved these as a kid yet never smoked a real cigarette in my life???

Wanted to buy them for the girls - Trent said, "no!"

We ended the night by sitting in the courtyard of the hotel, enjoying just being together in a beautiful place. I'm so grateful to Trent's parents for watching the girls, my grandparents for helping make it happen, and Trent's job for letting me tag along. I really believe that one of the best gifts we can give our children is to show them what a strong marriage looks like. For me, that means occasionally getting away with my husband, so that when the kids are grown and out of the house we still know who each other are and still have a strong bond and connection.

So if you ever go to visit Tempe, Arizona in March, just be prepared that you might not want to go back home.

Love this man!