To Help the Perfectionist

I like goals. I especially like when they are attainable and when I meet those goals.

However, raising children isn't exactly like other goals. For example, in business, I may have a goal to make, say, $1,000. And I can work hard and be creative to meet and exceed that goal. There may be factors that detract from that goal, but there are a lot of things that I can do to make it happen.

This school year started out really rough for one of our girls. So challenging, in fact, that I questioned my ability to even teach her. Yet as the days wore on I came to realize that the material is not too difficult for her as I suspected at first glance. The challenge for this child is that she is a perfectionist. She has unrealistic goals for herself. For example, every week I give the children a pre-test for their spelling words for the week. The idea behind this is to see what they already know and what they need to study. At the end of the week when the take their test they can see how they have improved and what they learned. If, however, during the pre-test they already know how to spell all the words I do not require them to take the test. This was a semi-frequent occurrence for this child last school year. This year there are more words and they are more challenging. So during a pre-test she has the unrealistic goal of getting all 16 words correct. And then she gets to a hard word (without even trying it because she *knows* she will get it wrong) and will throw her pencil across the room, or start yelling, or run out of the room. I wish I were exaggerating. You can see why I would wonder whether going to "real school" (as the kids like to call it) would be a better option for her.

The thing with a perfectionist child is this: they are much more prone to depression and other psychological problems with physical side affects (such as cutting, drug use, etc.) In their unattainable quest to perfection they can spiral out of control. Perhaps going to school would curb those physical outbursts, but more than likely they won't be building her spiritual needs or really addressing the area of perfectionism that needs help.

The idea with helping a perfectionist is to remind them that doing their best is what is most important. It's really hard not to coddle the perfectionist and prevent her from ever failing (and watching the irrational outbursts that come from a perceived fail). Also to help them set realistic goals for themselves. Yes, it's good to have hard goals, but for the perfectionist they need to realize that spelling one word incorrectly is not worth throwing a pencil across the room or running away. And I don't want this child to have these intense struggles for the rest of her life. If I can help her work through this as a young girl I'm hopeful that it will be easier for her as she grows up into a young woman.

As we wrap up our third week of school I am grateful for how much progress we have made already. We have hard days, and days where she is unnecessarily hard on herself. But we're making it. And (dare I say?) even enjoying it. But pray for us. It's Friday - spelling test day.