The year of Hope :: Explained

Friends, I've been holding out on you. I apologize. I'm terrible at keeping secrets and this is such a big one.

Spirit lead me Available in my shop: HERE

But maybe you can guess.

I'm not getting enough sleep.

And I am going to lots of appointments.

And if you catch me on a good day you might say I'm glowing. (On not so good days I might be crying).

Friends, I am beyond thrilled to announce to you all that our family is growing.

Wood flash card available in my shop: HERE

We are in the midst of mountains of paperwork and clearances, and FBI fingerprints, and birth certificates and more paperwork.

I cried when this came in the mail.

We are adopting!

This song has been one that has been really meaningful to me: No Longer Slaves // I am especially encouraged by the words "You split the sea so I could walk right through it". I have been praying for the "seas of paperwork" to split so we can walk right through. And I believe that is happening!

So this year, 2016: the year of Hope, our hope is focused on our adoption.

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I'm going to answer some of the questions that I've been asked so far.

1. Q. Where are you adopting from (domestic/international).
     A. We are adopting internationally from China.

Big sister, Caroline finding China on the globe

 2. Q. So you are you finally going to have a boy??
    A. No. Although there is a great need in China for families to adopt boys, after much prayer and consideration we have decided on another girl.

Just as the other girls kissed my belly when pregnant, Caroline is kissing "Little Sister" on the globe.

3. Q. How old will she be?
    A. We don't really know - probably about two years old when we bring her home.

4. Q. How long does it take?
    A. About two years. China has a very steady, predictable program, and the current time frame for girls is about two years. Based on that, we anticipate bringing our daughter home January, 2018.

These ladies are all so excited to have another sister! I'll need a new hashtag: #hessgirlsx5

5. Q. Do you have to go to China?
    A. Yes. We will go to China to bring our daughter home and will be out of the country for about two weeks.

6. Q. Why go to China when there are children in the United States who need families?
    A. This is a tough one. As many of you know we did foster care a few years ago. Not all children who are in foster care will be adopted, in fact, many of them won't. We felt that the back and forth (between visits to birth family and special appointments) was too difficult for our family and would rather settle in with one child who we can help to nurture and grow.

Maggie is a natural little Mommy. She's eager to meet her sister and prays for her and her birth mom.

7. Q. So you're adopting a healthy infant girl? (Actually this isn't usually a question because it is assumed).
   A. While this used to be the norm for China adoptions it is no longer the case.  In fact, there are more boys than girls who need families in China right now. And all the children who need families right now are special needs. Special needs may be something such as cleft lip, cleft palate, webbed fingers, or a birth mark. There are many other special needs many which are easily manageable and/or correctable.

Anything I missed? Please feel free to ask questions. I'm not politically correct so don't worry if you feel like you don't have the "right language" to ask. I'm happy to answer any questions you may have.

Enjoy this live version of Hillsong United singing "Oceans". Such a lovely song that has been an encouragement to me during this process so far.

Another Break & a Break Through

I know what you're thinking. "Didn't you just take a break?" And the answer is, "Yes." And I'll beg you to forgive me for this unusual behavior. So, the last day to order will be Wednesday, October 7th. I will reopen Monday, October 26th.

Favorite photo from my last break.

I PROMISE this will be my last break until my regularly scheduled break from when I stop taking Christmas orders. I will take a break from the Christmas cut off (Nov. 30) until the end of January. This gives me time to make all the Christmas orders before Christmas, and then breathe a little and even create some new designs that I've been wanting to do. Early in November I have a craft show I'll be at for all you locals who want to come out. More details closer to the date.

AND - I will be offering a FLASH SALE on the Monday I re-open. It will only be on two signs, but you can customize them and they will be finished before Christmas. I am so so excited to offer these to you all, so check back. I've never done a flash sale before. Ever. So this is going to be really big. You will love it. I promise!

For those of you who like my personal updates I have a really exciting one for you. As you probably know, I am not just a sign painter, I'm also a homeschool mama. And this year has been TOUGH for us! I have one Kindergarten student and two second graders. I've been challenging my Kindergartner to push herself to read. She WANTS to read, and knows the letter sounds and can sound out words. However, she has had a hard time NOT sounding a word out. She will sound out the name "Pam" every time it appears, even though she just read the same word one page ago.

That little girl on the far left is now a reader!!

Yesterday, it clicked. It was the quintessential light bulb moment. It made sense that every time she sees the letters p-a-m in that order, it will say Pam. And the same with the rest of the words in the little book she was reading over and over. She was SO excited to run to her big sisters and show them that SHE CAN FINALLY READ! And the way they gushed over their little sister and her big accomplishment was beyond precious. Then she waited for Daddy to get home to reveal her BIG SECRET. She wouldn't tell him all through dinner what the secret was. After she finished eating she ran for her little book and read it to Daddy.

Of course, my dear husband who has supported me through all the really rough days we were having lovingly encouraged me to write this down. On the really hard days where I'm sure I'm ruining my kids' (and my) life, I can look back and remember why I'm doing this. I wouldn't trade this moment for all those hard days wrapped together. And such is parenting, isn't it? It's like those old ladies in the grocery store who are always telling you to cherish every moment because they go so quickly. And yes, even if the little old ladies are a little fuzzy on whether their child ever had tantrums, they are crystal clear on one thing.

It is worth it.

To Help the Perfectionist

I like goals. I especially like when they are attainable and when I meet those goals.

However, raising children isn't exactly like other goals. For example, in business, I may have a goal to make, say, $1,000. And I can work hard and be creative to meet and exceed that goal. There may be factors that detract from that goal, but there are a lot of things that I can do to make it happen.

This school year started out really rough for one of our girls. So challenging, in fact, that I questioned my ability to even teach her. Yet as the days wore on I came to realize that the material is not too difficult for her as I suspected at first glance. The challenge for this child is that she is a perfectionist. She has unrealistic goals for herself. For example, every week I give the children a pre-test for their spelling words for the week. The idea behind this is to see what they already know and what they need to study. At the end of the week when the take their test they can see how they have improved and what they learned. If, however, during the pre-test they already know how to spell all the words I do not require them to take the test. This was a semi-frequent occurrence for this child last school year. This year there are more words and they are more challenging. So during a pre-test she has the unrealistic goal of getting all 16 words correct. And then she gets to a hard word (without even trying it because she *knows* she will get it wrong) and will throw her pencil across the room, or start yelling, or run out of the room. I wish I were exaggerating. You can see why I would wonder whether going to "real school" (as the kids like to call it) would be a better option for her.

The thing with a perfectionist child is this: they are much more prone to depression and other psychological problems with physical side affects (such as cutting, drug use, etc.) In their unattainable quest to perfection they can spiral out of control. Perhaps going to school would curb those physical outbursts, but more than likely they won't be building her spiritual needs or really addressing the area of perfectionism that needs help.

The idea with helping a perfectionist is to remind them that doing their best is what is most important. It's really hard not to coddle the perfectionist and prevent her from ever failing (and watching the irrational outbursts that come from a perceived fail). Also to help them set realistic goals for themselves. Yes, it's good to have hard goals, but for the perfectionist they need to realize that spelling one word incorrectly is not worth throwing a pencil across the room or running away. And I don't want this child to have these intense struggles for the rest of her life. If I can help her work through this as a young girl I'm hopeful that it will be easier for her as she grows up into a young woman.

As we wrap up our third week of school I am grateful for how much progress we have made already. We have hard days, and days where she is unnecessarily hard on herself. But we're making it. And (dare I say?) even enjoying it. But pray for us. It's Friday - spelling test day.

Comparison

Three weeks ago I found while scrolling through Instagram this Theodore Roosevelt quote shared by @goldenpaisleyshop .

Comparison is the thief of joy. Doesn't that sound like it should be in the book of Proverbs?

Those of you who follow me on Facebook or have purchased a sign from me in the past year will know that I stamp all of my work with a stamp made for me by 2Impress which reads:

I think it is nearly impossible not to compare. I find myself constantly looking at the art of other people and think "I could NEVER do that!". And yet here is an artist, GoldenPaisleyShop who does beautiful work that I admire, and even she falls into this trap of comparison.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to be a vendor at a beautiful outdoor market. Nearly all the vendors had some sort of signs. And it was so easy to find myself judging the work of others and constantly comparing myself to these other artists. Most of the vendors were selling painted furniture, and even hearing the chatter amongst other vendors each one had a little insecurity about their own work when compared with all these other vendors.

So how do we get past it? I think just being aware of how easily our joy is stolen as a result of comparison is a good place to start. Since it's something I've been thinking about for the past three weeks it was a little easier for me to try not to compare my work with the others around me at this event. I was able to celebrate over each item sold for myself and each vendor at the event. Because the reality is, these women put a lot of time into their work. And each piece was beautiful in it's own way. And my style might not be the right style for everyone, and that's okay!

Friends, don't let comparison steal your joy. Nice words, Teddy R. Nice words.

Looking Back

I have a terrible memory. Seriously, ask my kids. They are constantly reminding me of things I said I would do, but forgot. And if I'm half asleep when talking to you, psshhh, forget it. I probably won't recall ever having a conversation with you.

My poor memory skills are probably why I love blogging so much. If it is written down then it must have actually happened (even if I can't remember it clearly). I also love to journal out those raw emotions. I am often embarrassed by what I write when emotional, but it is so healing in the moment to get them out in a safe place, and later to look back on them.

Monday mornings I give my two oldest girls a spelling pre-test. It is good for them to see growth in short-term way. It's hard for adults to see how they are growing in the moment, how much more challenging must it be for our 6 and 7 year old children? For the past two or three weeks Abbey (age 6) has gotten all of her spelling words right on the pre-test. Whenever this happens I "reward" them by not having them take the test on Friday. This Monday morning, however, Abbey missed one word. To say the girl was upset would be an understatement. Mind you, these are words that she has not studied, and she does not have access to the list ahead of time that she could peek at it. She was distraught over this one little word she missed (I told you she is a perfectionist).

To encourage her little heart I reminded her of how hard even the simplest words were for her in the beginning of the year. She grabbed her language arts binder (that is such a pain for me to put together, but man, today I was glad I did), and flipped to the very beginning. And she laughed. And laughed. And laughed. Oh, what joy that brought to my heart. She looked back to the beginning of the school year. The word was "are", she spelled it "R" on her pre-test, week 1 of the school year. And she laughed! It was very real to her, and showed her just how far she has come this year. I could have cried.

Yes, I'm teaching spelling, but I like to think it is so much more than that. I'm teaching these girls the value of looking back on life. We don't stay back there, we move forward. Yet there is value in looking back. To take a peek at what life was like less than a year ago is important.

Just the other night my dear husband and I were looking back. He had gone through times of self-doubt, of not knowing where he was going, what he wanted to do, where he wanted to go in life. And he prayed and prayed and prayed for direction, never feeling like he was going anywhere or being led. As we talked through the decisions he made he realized just how much the Lord was leading him, guiding him, and setting him on a path. It didn't feel like it at the time, yet when he took a moment to look back, he realized how all these little pieces that didn't seem like much (quitting one job to take a pizza delivery job) all fit together and created this beautiful picture.

Sometimes looking back can be painful. I think of our foster son and daughter on a regular basis. I know I have learned a lot from that experience. However, it is still painful in many ways to look back on that time. I'm sure that someday (maybe not on this side of Heaven) I will see how those months fit into my mosaic to create something whole and beautiful. Certainly I am changed because of that experience.

Isaiah 61:3 (New Living Translation) To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.

Portions of this verse pop into my head from time to time, but I'm not sure that I ever noticed those last three words. The beauty for ashes, the joy instead of mourning, the praise instead of despair, it's for HIS OWN GLORY. Not for us. Not for me. For Him. Wow. 

I'm just letting that sink in.

I will leave you with this: Gungor "Beautiful Things". Hands down one of my favorite songs. 

I encourage you to take a few minutes today, sit, and think. The weather here has been beautiful. Grab a cup of tea or coffee, watch the kids play in the yard, and look back and realize the beautiful things He has done for HIS OWN GLORY in your life.

Shouldn't You Be In School?

I'm often asked what made me decide to home school. It's sort of a long answer so I figured a blog post might be a good way to go with this one!

First off, a very brief note: I know and understand that home school is not for every family nor for every child. Every one is certainly able to choose for themselves what schooling option is best for your family. I hope that nothing I say comes across as judgmental or preachy - that is certainly not my intent.

Now that that's out of the way.....

"Shouldn't you be in school?" This question was posed to my oldest daughter (age 7) this week. She was outside playing in our little patch of woods behind our house. There was an older gentleman cutting wood just beyond our property line and he asked this question. Anne's quick response was, "I'm home schooled!"
 
Part of me cringed when she told me this, because I am acutely aware that we are different. I love people, and I want them to love me. I've always worked SO hard to win the approval of everybody; my parents, my peers, etc. That means I want to fit in.

Is this weird?

 I want to be like everyone else and do what everyone else is doing. I want to be the best at whatever it is I'm doing, and if I realize early on that I may not be the best (i.e. the three years I played saxophone and I did a victory dance when my little brother kicked the case and a key broke) I want to quit. Galatians 1:10 "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." {I professed Christ as my Savior just before my 19th birthday. I am learning to not allow my 'personality' to be an excuse for a lack what I know to be right.}

I never, ever in a million years would have thought I would be a home school mom. Nope. No way. Do you know why? Home school people and their kids are weird. Weird and different are synonyms. I don't like different, I don't like weird. Nope. Not doing it.

Anne reading "James and the Giant Peach" - age 5

You may want to be careful what you say.

I have a teaching degree from Millersville University, formerly known as "the teacher's college". After our oldest daughter was born and growing at an extremely rapid rate (does time speed up once you have children?), my mother-in-law wondered if I would consider home schooling. My immediate response was, "No." I didn't even want to think about it. No way. Not for me. Home school kids are weird.

Our celebration of 100 days of school - 2015

 Then a funny thing happened. The Lord began to work on my heart.

Girls working on their "Heart Journals" - 2015

 As I watched my girls grow (with a special focus on my oldest since she would be the one to go to school first) I noticed some interesting things about her behavior. First of all, she was very much like me. She is so very easily influenced by her peers. For example, when she was about three and a half years old we came home from the mom's group we attended weekly. Anne asked for a cracker at lunch. After providing her with the cracker, she began to chew it like a beaver, letting crumbs fall from her mouth all over her shirt, the floor, and the table. She laughed uproariously and sprayed cracker all over everything. (Can you picture this???) When asked what in the world she was doing she said a boy in her little class did that at snack time and everybody laughed and she really wanted to try it.

Anne reading a Highlights magazine to her sisters - summer 2013 (age 5 1/2)

This became nearly a weekly occurrence in our home. She would see another child do something (always something she knew she probably shouldn't do) and then she would come home and do it. Every. Week. And I thought, "My word! If this is what she does after being with other kids for 90 minutes, what will she act like when she is with them for a whole day?!"

Then something else happened. Anne started reading at age 4. (I didn't even know this was possible.) In my four years of college education and my miniscule time teaching before Anne was born, I had never taught any one how to read. It was a really awesome experience. I can't take credit for what happened next. She picked up her first little book and read it without help. Then our two foster children came into our lives and I no longer had the time to sit and work with her on a daily basis like I had been. About two month after she read that first book I was hurriedly trying to get dinner ready and juggle five children under age five (I don't recommend this). Anne offered to read to the kids for me. I thanked her and went about what I was doing. A few minutes later I peeked on the kids and she had them all lined up on the couch with her as she read aloud from Fantastic Mr. Fox by Roald Dahl. We had read it aloud together before so I assumed she was just retelling the story in her own words. Until I listened more closely. She was reading, with expression, a book on a second grade reading level.

Anne reading "Peter Pan"- age 5

It was at that point that I started to consider home school as a very real option for our family. None of my friends home school their children, so it was a really tough decision for us to make. The more I prayed about it the more clear it became that this is what I should do. If I had to give two main reasons why we chose to home school it would be these.

1. I want to have more influence in my children's lives than their peers. I want to build a firm foundation based on the truth of God's word before asking them to stand up to peer pressure on a daily basis. I want to be the one who talks to them about hard and controversial subjects. And trust me, we DO talk about them. I am not sheltering these kids so that they have no clue about the world. I would much rather them get facts from me than from their little seven-year-old friends.

A little hike to The Pinnacle in Holtwood, PA to see the frozen Susquehanna River: Winter 2015

2. The ability to meet their unique abilities. Teachers in public and private schools are amazing. We have a really awesome county where there are many many wonderful teachers. When Anne started Kindergarten she was reading at a sixth grade level. It did not make sense to me to put her in a class of children who are just learning to read. (Remember how Anne and I are alike? When something is easy our personality tends to get bored and then we get in trouble.) Currently Anne has about six weeks of first grade left. Her reading level is now at an 11th grade level. Although she reads at that level, she definitely doesn't comprehend fully all that she reads, and her pronunciations are sometimes a bit off on some of the larger words that aren't in our every day vocabulary. Our second daughter is a very different personality from Anne, but she is also very bright. She is five (normally Kindergarten age) and will complete first grade with Anne this year. Her reading level is approximately fourth-fifth grade. Our third daughter struggles with some of the things that came very easily to her older sisters. There are still four letters of the alphabet that, try as she might, she just cannot remember. But Maggie is by far the best storyteller and most creative of the three. I have every intention of encouraging her in those regards.

Anne read The Lord of the Rings series (all three books) in under a week. Winter 2015 - age 7

Abbey working hard on First grade math - 2015 - age 5

The close bonds these four girls have is worth it all!

Tea Party at Grandpa & Grandma's

Hard to believe these two are only 17 1/2 months apart.

Sister-friends

Sister-friends (Caroline LOVES little hats/ handkerchiefs on her head!)

 Whew. Did you make it through all that? I hope that answers some questions for you all! Please feel free to ask questions!

He is Risen

In keeping with my standard behavior I am writing an Easter post two days after Easter Sunday, rather than before like all the other bloggers in the world. What can I say? I'm going against the flow. Okay, fine, I'm a procrastinator. (Plus, it didn't end Easter Sunday. He rose. He stayed on Earth another 40 days. So I'm still safe talking about this for another 38 days.)

My chalkboard drawing.

There is always so much that goes on during any holiday. Amidst all the prep work of food, house cleaning, cleaning the children, plus the actual gatherings themselves, I find it easy to lose the meaning of the event itself. I have made a concentrated effort to keep these gatherings as simple as possible. We don't do 500 sides, 20 desserts, and 5 different wines. In fact, we don't do any wine.... maybe we should do one wine. Yes?

Thursday we had Trent's side of the family over for our Easter dinner. This included his parents, his two brothers and one sister-in-law. I taught school in the morning, then cleaned the house, and made green bean casserole. My in-laws made sweet potato pudding, and grilled pork loins. My sister-in-law made an adorable "nest" cake (wish I had a picture of this) and my brother-in-law made a delicious salad. That was it. Simple. We had this at my house so that I could put Caroline to bed, then also the big girls while the adults stayed late, drank coffee and tea and played Apples to Apples. We actually got to spend time with each other without all the fuss and stress of extra food and huge amounts of clean up.

Hess girls!!! (Minus a sleeping Caroline)

 Friday Trent was off work for Good Friday. The girls had a small amount of school (basically just a spelling test), and they wanted to read a little history. We sang this song together (either Thursday or Friday). Matt Maher's Christ is Risen. Anne and Abbey sat in my lap as the words scrolled through on my iPhone. I think I was crying as we finished. Hearing my girls sing these words was so beautiful.

Sunday my mom came over after church to eat with us. We relaxed in the afternoon. Two of my sisters came over with their kids around 4:30 in the afternoon for a huge egg hunt and some snacky foods. We visited with our neighbors.

My beautiful sister, and Caroline

Bunny rolls. This was Caroline's favorite part of the meal.

Opening eggs and discovering the goodies inside. It's always so fun to have the family together!

I think Maggie (age 4) said it best. She liked the basket from Aunt Sarah, she liked the candy, she liked being with the family. But the thing she likes best about Easter is that Jesus didn't stay dead. That he rose again.

These two are so sweet. They are my inseparable girls who love to dress in matching outfits.

 Personally I find it very meaningful to spend a few moments reflecting on where I was before I repented of my sins. And then think of my spiritual conversion. I don't spend this time filling myself with regret for past sins. However, I do find it beneficial to my Spiritual growth and health to remember that I was dead in sin. And when I really and truly accepted Christ into my heart, in a crummy little dorm room in Jackson, Mississippi, that though I still sin and still fail on a daily basis, that I am no longer DEAD in that sin. I am redeemed. And you can be, too. It's a beautiful thing, to be redeemed. To feel the weight lifted from your chest and be free. Thank you, God, for sending your precious son, so that I may have life. None of us deserves it, yet he loves us so much that he pours out his grace on us. Daily. Every day, never giving up on me. And I am grateful. Oh, so grateful.

Note to self: take adorable picture first thing in the morning, NOT when everybody is tired. It's much more difficult to get a good photo with tired children. You'd think I'd know that by now. ;)

 HAPPY EASTER!

Giving Up

Most of the time we think of "giving up" as a negative term. However, I want to share with you today how "giving up" saved my life.

I had started to share many months ago about my Spiritual conversion, but sort of chickened out because of my pride.  Recently I have seen and read many articles about gay marriage, homosexual relationships, ordaining ministers who are openly homosexual, etc. Most of these articles have been well written. I wonder how many people really change their mind after reading these articles, or if they only cause them to stick to their guns more tightly and cling to their previously held beliefs?

I can't remember how long ago I read the article in WORLD magazine, but it was something that stuck with me. It has clung to my brain more than the philosophical, biblical, amazingly balanced, well written articles that I have read since then (and I have read a lot of them).

If I could find a link I would link you directly to the article.  In the meantime, I'll give you a general overview. The article was written about a practicing lesbian who had a spiritual conversion. She was attending church for quite awhile while in this relationship, but her partner never attended with her. At some point, she came to the conclusion that in order to grow spiritually she needed to get out of this female-female relationship, but it was hard. So she started asking people in her congregation, "What did you have to give up in order to come to Christ?" And their responses amazed her. From the outside she was seeing these Christians as people who were "practically perfect", involved in church, soccer moms, homeschooling moms, hardworking dads, and the list goes on. Yet each one of them had something they had to give up.

I have many sins that I could list here from prior to my spiritual conversion (and after). However, if someone were to ask me directly, "What did you have to give up to come to Christ?" I would say sexual sin. The way that I filled the void of my Heavenly Father was through intimate connections with men. Am I just as much of a sinner as any homosexual? Yes. This is the main reason I never get into arguments or "discussions" about such topics. I know who I am, and where I once was. Do I agree with their lifestyle? No. Do I agree with anyone having sex outside of marriage? No. Was I once that person? Yes.

The reality is that I had major sin in my life before coming to Christ. I gave that up to come to Him. Was it easy? NO! Especially when I started dating again after my Spiritual conversion. It was tough! Do I still have sin in my life? Yes! However, when I look at where I was ten years ago (I just celebrated my 10th Spiritual birthday last month!!) and where I am now I am continually grateful for the grace God has shown me and the ways He has worked in my life.

I still have "sins of the heart" as my preacher-husband likes to call them. Anger and pride are the two that I work on the most. Self-control falls in there somewhere, but it is usually accompanied by anger or spurred on by my injured pride. And this is life. We are all running in the race, whether we know it or not. Whether we are going toward Christ or away from Him.

I hope this has been an encouragement to you all to remember where you once were, and where you are now. Whether that encourages you to keep fighting the good fight, or to get back in the race, or to give up whatever it is that is holding you back from a closer relationship (or any relationship) with our Heavenly Father.

Grow in God's grace.

Musings

So much and yet so little is going on right now.

Earlier this week I was feeling upset that I am not "showing" like most other mom's do at 24 weeks. I know it may sound ridiculous, but I really do wish I had a nice round belly that would show that YES - I AM expecting my fourth baby!! It's actually a little embarrassing to me that other people don't realize that we are having a baby.

And then I heard that a very close family member overdosed and stopped breathing. Thankfully this family member is doing OK now, but it's so foolish to think that I was wasting my time feeling upset about something so insignificant as what my stomach looks like when this person I love so much could have died (technically did die).

It seems that I am not a very quick learner. Because just today I was comparing my life situation with someone else. I have always wanted to adopt, and so when I hear of others adopting I feel this twinge of jealousy. And yet I am well aware that we may NEVER adopt. After fostering my husband really has no desire to adopt, but I have those feelings nonetheless. And then I remember that the person adopting is in a very different life situation from myself. And that this person and her husband are on the same page.

And then I hear of another family member choosing to cut themselves off from another. And I'm angry. Before my spiritual conversion I used to get vehemently angry frequently. That anger was lifted after I had this amazing encounter with Jesus. Today was the first time I have felt that barely controlled anger rising up in me. I am thankful that after praying I was able to get my anger in check and pray for this family member instead of rattling off an angry message to them like I wanted to.

As I read some "mom-blogs" today I was reading of children who are struggling in school. I realized that what our girls are learning and the levels that they are learning at my come off as bragging. I certainly am very proud of each of my girls, but I know that even if they had a learning disability or struggled in school I would still love them just as much.

Of course, being prideful is a sin, one that I am constantly reminding myself of and working to correct in my life. Late last week we had a few incidents with one of our children being "sneaky". The child would sneak a piece of candy and hide somewhere to eat it. And trust me, this child certainly knows better. This happened multiple times. Sometimes the child would confess only when caught red-handed. And other times she would act very shameful of her actions (but wouldn't change them). After a discussion today on truth, trusting, and what our actions say about us, she has committed to working on this sinful behavior.

I guess there is more going on than I realized...

Actions & Words

This morning at breakfast the kids were eating great and I spied our devotion book lying on the table and I thought, what a great opportunity to read a few verses to the kids!  I got the book and read one verse. As we began to talk about it, Anne wiped cream cheese off her face with her sleeve and as I started to remind her to use a napkin, her arm shot forward and knocked over a half-full cup of milk which spilled all over the table.

Instead of calmly cleaning it up I got angry and irritated and frustrated and grudgingly cleaned up the milk while grumbling and ranting about her carelessness and how she spills more often than any of the other kids (I don't even know if this is true), and was just all together ungodly.

As I took the sopping rag back into the kitchen it struck me at how ironic the situation was. Her spilled milk gave me a perfect opportunity to show God's love and grace in a simple mistake. And I failed miserably.

When I came back to the table I apologized to her tear-filled eyes and felt like a complete jerk. I asked the kids what the would remember most from that morning: the Bible verse I read or the way I acted when Anne spilled her milk? Abbey tried to give what she thought was the "right" answer and said, "the Bible verse!". So I asked her what the verse was and, of course, she didn't know. Then I asked her how mommy acted when the milk spilled and she said, "Not good and not nice."

I proceeded to try to explain how I was very sorry and how I will try to act better next time and that even Moms make mistakes and need to be shown grace. I'm not sure if they "got" it or not, but it was a good reminder (at least for me) of how our actions can show God's love and grace (or our own failure) sometimes much more than our words can.

Life Isn't Fair

Something that has been on my mind a lot is how "life isn't fair". Trust me, this is not a rant or a complaint on my part. But it is true. Life isn't fair.

I have a high school friend who lost her husband in a tragic accident. Another friend I played soccer with for many years lost her preemie twin son, and her husband who had an unknown heart condition, all in the same year.

Life isn't fair.

I know a young family who work hard, but struggle financially.

Life isn't fair.

I have friends who struggle with mental illness. They fight hard, but they struggle.

Life isn't fair.

I have friends who have had several miscarriages, who have had ovaries removed, who have emergency surgeries, and they struggle.

Life isn't fair.

Currently our family has experienced many, many undeserved blessings. We have a nice home, we are so excited to be expecting our fourth baby, we have more than we need. And it doesn't feel fair.

I have been looking for ways to bless some of these aforementioned friends who are struggling.

Our pastor on Sunday was talking about these blessings that we have, and reminding us that it is okay to have "nice things", but to be sure that we own the things, and the things don't own us. He was also encouraging us to use what we have been given. He gave the example of a man who had a really nice lawn mower and he shared it with his impoverished community.

As I think over the things or talents that I have, I am challenged and encouraged to share those with others. Because, the fact is, life isn't fair. We live in a fallen world. But we can have hope because God has given each of us gifts that we can use to encourage, cheer, and bless others with.

I know that I may not always be in this "season" of blessing. That there will be hard days ahead, just as I've walked through difficult times with the help of the Lord.  And I hope that when those hard days come again that I am reminded that "the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

God's Grace

When I started doing some serious research into homeschooling, many people suggested having a "mission statement". This statement would help be a reminder to you on the busy and difficult days why you are homeschooling. A couple of weeks ago in our evening devotions I struck upon the perfect verse to guide us through the year.

"Grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory!"

I have even changed our tag-line for my blog to "Growing together in God's grace."

Grace is something that is so essential to our Christian lives. I also happen to believe that the lack of grace shown within the church is a large part of the reason that many of the "church kids" I grew up with no longer attend church.

I make a lot of mistakes. And I want God to show me grace!! So who am I to with hold this precious gift from one of my children just because I happen to be in a bad mood and what they did really irritated me.  Yet often in that situation, I end up yelling at one of the kids. But I try to go back and apologize, ask them to show me grace, and in turn show them grace.

And then there is Hope. Hope that this grace can seep into their lives, to make them better people, to extend grace beyond our family and into the world.

Going Gray for the Girls

I've always been pretty fond of my hair. When I was a teenager I had many many different hairstyles. I had it really short in the front and spiked in the back, I've had a bob, I've had bangs, I've had layers, I've done heaps of different things to my hair.

I was born with a full head of jet-black hair that stood straight up on end. As I got older it turned blonde. Some summers it was very, very blonde. In 9th grade I got the great idea to dye my hair "auburn". Yeah, totally did not look auburn - it was definitely red. But I was into it. I liked it. It sort of became an annual thing that I liked to do every New Year's Eve- try a new hair color. I went back to blonde my senior year of high school and kept dying it blonde or adding highlights every so often for the next couple of years.

After my sophomore year of college I was engaged and I thought I'd attempt to dye my hair back to what might be close to my roots. I ended up dying it dark brown, which was actually a titchy bit darker than my natural color, but I liked it. A woman at church (God love her) told me the first Sunday after she saw my dark hair, "I hardly recognized you with the dark hair. I like it blonde better!"

Since that time I have only highlighted my hair once, and when I saw how fast the roots grew out and how little time I had to spend on my hair once the babies started coming, I stopped dying it.

Where am I going with this post? Trust me, I'm getting somewhere.

Our culture is obsessed with beauty. Everywhere you turn you can find a million products to make yourself more beautiful. But you are never quite beautiful enough. I like to think that part of my hair-dying love ended because I was becoming more sure of who I am as a child of God. I had my Spiritual conversion my freshman year of college, and that is when my hair dying drastically slowed down.

As I raise three lovely girls I have to stop and think about what image I am showing them, as a mother figure, a wife, a woman, but most importantly, as a follower of Jesus Christ. Am I showing them that women can only be beautiful if they wear make-up, fancy clothes, have a perfect body and blonde hair?

In December, 2012 when my life was extreme stress and chaos Anne noticed a "white string" in my hair. Of course, this white string was attached to my head and was indeed one of many white hairs that I found that month.

So much within me wants to run to the store and buy a box of hair dye and quick remove any traces of gray. But I don't. I don't. Because if I truly want my daughters to believe that they are beautiful just as God created them, then I can't show them that Mommy doesn't think that she is! But you are! What will they believe? Will they believe my actions of dying my hair to make myself look different, or will they believe the words that I spout off? But what if my actions and my words match!? Is there beauty in that?

I'm going to be honest, I really don't want my hair to turn gray. I'm 28! But I am determined to allow my hair to slowly change. Because I don't want to look 18 all my life. I am usually a "live in the moment" type of girl, and I will accept and love who God intended for me to be, each step of the way.


p.s. Please, please, please don't think I'm judging you if you dye your hair. I'm NOT!! It's just a personal choice that I have made!

Modesty is in the Eye of the Beholder

I've recently seen a lot of people on Facebook posting and commenting on this article "The Bikini Question - Made in His Image".  Growing up in a "semi-Christian" home, I wore a bikini from the moment I was born (practically). The thought never entered my mind that I was not modest. In comparison with some of my siblings I was extremely modest (in my opinion) and that was good enough for me as a teenager.

It wasn't until after I was married that I began to question my modesty. After some comments made to me about what I was wearing did I begin to even think that what I was wearing may not be appropriate. One of those comments was made to me while I was pregnant with my first child, and a church member questioned whether what I was wearing was really appropriate since I was a youth group leader and there were high school boys in the youth group. I was hurt, shocked, and annoyed. It had never once crossed my mind that as a married, pregnant (ugh!) youth  leader that what I was wearing would even once cause these boys to think anything inappropriate.

However, as the time has gone on, and the more children I have, the more conservative (in my opinion) my clothing has gotten. I'm sure I'm still a LONG WAY OFF from what other people would consider conservative. Which is why this post is called "Modesty is in the Eye of the Beholder". I'm sure I'll never dress modestly enough for some people. I often struggle with the thought that people are observing and judging me on a regular basis. There are enough things for young moms to worry about without having to worry whether they are wearing the "right" clothing or not.

I have three young daughters that will certainly dress more conservatively than I did as a child. I do not talk about weight with my children, except that whenever they are weighed we talk about how healthy they are and that they are growing and that is good! My daughters do not wear bikinis, nor do they want to. I am extremely grateful that (at this point) I have been able to find really cute one-piece swimsuits for the girls.

Anne recently received a hand-me-down pair of silky pajamas. The bottoms are shorts and the top is a spaghetti-strap v-neck. She wore them several times, but just the other day she put them on and looked in the full-length mirror. After looking in the mirror she came back into her bedroom and changed. When I asked her why she said she didn't like how the top looked because it has puffed out spots for breasts and she said it made her look too grown up and she didn't like it.

I think most of us are doing the best we can. My favorite thing about the above mentioned article was the link to really cute one-piece swimsuits. I've never had good luck finding them at department stores, and now I know where to find them.

So for those of you who like to judge, please don't judge us so harshly. I know I am not perfect, but I'm trying. I wasn't raised in a home where modesty was highly valued, but I'm working on it. I serve an amazing God who gives each of us grace. I am grateful that despite my many mistakes as a woman, wife and mother that God will continually shower me with that overflowing, undeserved, wonderful grace. I hope that each of us will do the same and remember that we are not all on the same page. What I may consider modest you may consider heathen. Please, love me anyway.

Bathed in Love

I promise I will have a 2-year-old post on Maggie coming soon. I'm hoping to get her pictures done next week, and then I will write a post dedicated to her.

We are continuing in this ministry of foster care. The longer the children stay, the more revelations come to light. As difficult as some days can be for the girl, I am reminding myself to be thankful that I can speak into her life, if just for a short period of time.

Long before our children were born, we prayed for them. We prayed for their salvation, for their physical bodies, for their future spouses just to name a few things. We loved them. From the moment our children were born, everywhere they turned, they were bathed in love.

Their Mama and Daddy love them; their aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and great-grandparents love them. People at church love them; old women in the grocery store love them. And most importantly, they have always heard that Jesus loves them The love was unconditional. Sure, they disobeyed and had to be disciplined, but they always knew that they were loved.

Can you imagine living your first (almost) 4 years without that kind of love? Of course you would be skeptical of a new person in your life. Of course you would treat them with disrespect. If all you have ever heard are sarcastic words, and rude behavior, what would you be like?

Children are excellent parrots. I remember the first time I heard Anne repeat something I had said to her out of frustration. It didn't sound very nice coming out of a 2-year-old's mouth, but I'm sure she repeated what I said with surprising accuracy.

I am seeing some fruit of the love and dedication I have poured into our girls - especially Annie and Abbey. When the girl is rude, they are not rude back. When she uses harsh words, they do not counter with more harsh words. Yes, I'm sure they are what most of you would consider sheltered. I have been very proud of the way they are persevering, being kind and good and having self-control. Unfortunately Maggie is having a rough time with the girl. Maggie is smaller and the girl knows just which buttons to push. In the girl's defense, Maggie has quickly learned what to say to upset the girl.

But, we are working hard to show her the love of Christ. An unconditional love that is completely foreign to her. I am thankful for the patience that the Holy Spirit has filled me with this past week. It should probably become my daily prayer as I rise each morning.

Lord, grant me patience, help me to show grace and experience grace. Fill me with your Holy Spirit as I minister to these five beautiful children. Thank you, Lord, for your forgiveness. Amen.

A day like Today

This morning as I got out of bed Trent gave me that dreaded warning about our 3-year-old's behavior. "She's in rare form this morning."

After he left for work all three children were playing nicely together and I got to have a few minutes by myself. As I sipped my first cup of coffee I prayed for the children, for our busy day ahead, and for grace. It's really a common theme in this house. I have received much (from God, my husband and the children), and this morning I really felt the need to pray for grace: that I can show it to the children and that I can receive it as well.

Breakfast went smoothly as the children downed their zucchini muffins (2 for Anne, 1 1/2 for Abbey and 3 for Magdalena). Can you tell who is going to grow?

As we went upstairs to prepare for the day, Abbey asked if they could play in the "foster care room". I don't typically allow them in that room because it makes more of a mess for me to clean up. Also, they have developed a bad habit of pushing the toddler bed close to the crib; then climbing into the crib and jumping off the crib rail onto the toddler bed. Not really the safest game in the world, and they are frequently told not to do this. Anyway, I succumbed to the whining 3-year-old (by the way-- what are terrible twos compared to threes?). I quickly checked my email and facebook when I heard thumping coming from the other room. I go over to find Abbey jumping onto the toddler bed and one of the wooden slats under the bed broken in half.

I was not happy. But "not happy" really is too gentle to describe how I felt and my ensuing actions. If I can be honest with you, I was angry; very very angry.

I scolded severely. Okay, I'll admit it, I yelled. I sent them to their room and I yelled some more. I attempted to shame them by telling them our foster child will not have a bed to sleep in and how would that make them feel.

Then... Abbey pointed her finger at me and "pcew" shot me with her finger gun. I was so angry!! How dare she do that while I'm punishing her?? Then Maggie followed her lead and did the same thing. I yelled some more.

A voice of an angel chimed in and said, "Mommy. Mama. I know you're upset and you're very angry, but you need to have some self-control. Just take a deep breath and have some self-control. I know it's hard, but just relax."

Could these words really have just come from my almost 5-year-old who also struggles with self-control?

They were, of course, the words I needed to hear. I stopped, I took a deep breath. But I wasn't ready to ask their forgiveness. However, my 3-year-old was quick to repent and ask me to forgive her for disobeying and for breaking the bed. I said I forgave her and I put a video on for the children to watch so I could take a quick shower.

I prayed and prayed and prayed in the shower. My morning prayer came back to me.  Over and over I heard the word repeated, grace, grace, grace, grace. It's easy to pray for it, it's much harder to act on it.

My soul calmed, I regained my composure, our day moved on.

A stop at Cherry Hill for peaches, a stop to deliver a meal, another stop to deliver another meal. The children were patient. They love car rides.

Home again for lunch. As I was preparing food for the children I thought over our morning. I knew I needed to ask for their forgiveness. I came to the table and humbled myself before my children. Will they please forgive me for not having self-control this morning and for yelling at them? They forgave me. Abbey again apologized for breaking the bed. I forgave her.

Anne reminded me of how difficult it is to be good and obey all the time. She said when we go to heaven we'll always obey and be good.  And won't that be nice because it is so hard to have self-control.

You see, this Anne-girl is a part of me. She has part of my sin-nature. The desire to obey God, yet it is just so difficult at times. We lose self-control.

I think back to the years before I became a Christian and at all the times I was angry and had no self-control. It was a common theme in  my life. And yet, "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)




If that's not a picture of grace, I don't know what is.


Have you extended grace to someone today?