It has been a whole year since I've joined the amazing group of Southern End women to worship the Lord together and to have Bible Study together. Yesterday lived up to it's name, Change of Pace. It was, indeed, just that, and just what I needed.
I'm really excited to be doing Reggie Joiner's study called, It's Just a Phase, So Don't Miss It. I'm sure I'll be writing more about it in the coming weeks.
Today I'm writing about something that came out of our discussion at Bible Study yesterday. Many of the moms mentioned they would like their children to become independent adults. So many of us have heard stories or know people who end up moving back in with their parents. These are grown adults, often married with children, who cannot live independently.
So how do we raise children who can live independently?
We let them fail.
I know this sounds harsh, but I really believe that if we let our kids fail in "safe" situations, they will be much more successful and independent as adults. Unfortunately, many moms have a major problem. They are enablers. They just cannot bear to see their child fail or hurt in any way. I beg those moms to let go of some of their own perfectionism and let their child make mistakes that they can learn from while they are still young and the mistakes aren't nearly as painful as when they are adults.
I'm the type of person that needs examples, so if you're like me I'll help you out. This just happened in our home over New Year's Eve, so this is super, super recent. When we go away or on vacation, all my children who can read pack their own bags. I write them a list of the items they will need for our time away and they are responsible for packing those items. (Eventually, they will be in charge of their own list writing.) Now here's the key, for all you moms out there who are fixers. I DO NOT CHECK THEIR BAG. So, we go away for New Year's. We have fun at our best friends' house that evening and have a great night sleep.
Next morning, one child comes to me and says, "So mom.... on that packing list.... Did you write pants?"
This particular child skipped over the line that said: 3 pairs of pants.
At that moment she had a choice to make. She could wear her same pair of pants all weekend, or she could ask a sister close in size to borrow her extra pair of pants that she did pack. Was it a bummer for her to wear ill-fitting pants for the weekend? Probably. Was it a little embarrassing? Most likely. Will this child pack more carefully next time? I sure hope so.
I'll share one from my own childhood. Most of you know I love sleeping and am not a morning person. Apparently I've been like that my whole life. I missed the school bus so many times in middle school that my mom told me if I missed the bus one more time I would have to walk to school. I can't remember how long after this threat that the day came and I missed the bus. (In my own defense, I had to get on the bus at 6:50 am. So....) Anyway. My mom said, "Well, sorry. Guess you have to walk today." I just mapped this to be sure I'm telling you accurate information. The distance is 3.5 miles, with hills. Lots of hills. Thankfully the weather was good, but the unfortunate part was that I had either a sport's practice or gym or some event that I can't recall now, but it forced me to carry my backpack plus a second bag to school. I guess I made it about 3 miles before my principal came upon me and gave me a ride the rest of the way (thanks Shirley!) which greatly relieved me as I was unsure how I was going to safely cross the busy intersection that was coming. The point is, I don't think I missed the bus the rest of that year.
Moms who cannot let their kids fail are doing their children a disservice.
Children can surprise you with what they are capable of handling on their own. I give my kids lots of opportunity to do things on their own and fail at them. Parents who are constantly swooping in to fix every little thing for their kids so they don't "hurt", are hurting them.
How have your kids failed and learned from it?
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